I don't understand his thought process

michiganpat

I really want to understand my husband's thinking. For example, he watches the neighbors and makes up scenarios he believes are true. For example, he doesn't see a particular neighbor (who has had many surgeries) drive by our house recently so he figures he must be in the hospital having surgery. Every time the wife drives by he says "Sue must be going to see Ted". A week later Sue drives by with Ted and he says "Sue must have picked Ted up from the hospital." Another example is I tell him there is a person who sells honey that lives only a mile from our church. I don't have a name but a house address and want to stop on our way to church. He says since they aren't going to be home they must be going to church too. Why don't you call them back and have them bring the honey to church with them and we will get it there. These are only a few examples. I really want to understand. Any ideas or anyone else experience this?

M1

Pat there's a name for this, it's confabulation-having lost the ability to reason, he is just making up stuff that makes sense to him but has no basis in reality. Its a common phenomenon, if you Google it you may find more. I don't think trying to argue with him or correct him would accomplish anything.

Mint

Thank you Pat and M1.  My mom does this and I had not realized this is confabulation.  Know that in my case is pretty useless to try and change how she sees it.  Just usually let her talk and say nothing, or say we’ll see.

Jo C.

Confabulation is not done intentionally; the person actually fully believes what they are saying, so any trying to correct or argue is counterproductive may cause upset with irritability and even agitation. Best to just let it go or find an excuse to make things different if something needs to be achieved; "Oh yes; the people with the honey usually are at church, but they could not make it to church today. They asked us to stop by their house to pick up the honey when we are on our way home after leaving church."  Then quickly change the subject to refocus and hopefully that settles it. Refocusing is good because at a point, the person with dementia cannot address more than one topic at a time.

J.

terei

I spent many futile hours trying to figure out what was going on in my mom’s head.  That is, until I realized that understanding was not possible.

The PWD’s brain is being destroyed by disease + the normal ‘wiring’ is simply not working.  It made me far more patient + accepting when I finally realized worrying about it was simply making MY life harder.

I learned to go with my mom’s delusions + confabulations + actually came to enjoy having bizarre conversations with her.  ‘OH, you know that guy?(total stranger across the room) Where did you meet him? What was he like?  Did dad know him too…..etc etc etc She had a wild answer for everything, but was mostly content.

NylaBlue

My husband thinks every vehicle on the road is, or should be, going to our home. He also thinks I know the people in the vehicles and the pedestrians and cyclists we see along the way. He quizzes me endlessly about them, is upset when they don’t follow the same route we are on and curses them or me when they turn a different direction. I used to respond with logical answers (e.g., I don’t know everyone in the city), but I’ve learned this is pointless and just irritates both of us; now I just calmly say, “I don’t know”. Sometimes I add “Do you know them or where they are going?” which seems to validate his thinking, since he stops asking me the same questions, but your mileage may vary, every PWD is different.

michiganpat

This has been such a process for me trying to figure out what is happening to my husband. He started to change almost 5 years ago. It was June of 2021 when I finally told my kids something was wrong. I then blamed it on depression but my son told me "I think something else is going on." I am a retired nurse and know about dementia (both siblings currently with and MIL had) but could not accept my husband having it. I fought it for so long, trying to reason with him. Several months ago someone on this board stated that until you accept what's happening you will have no peace. I am beginning to see this. I no longer try to reason with him and just let him talk. It helps to understand why he thinks like he does and I believe I am on my way to accepting and getting some peace. Thank you for your responses. It really does help to discuss with others who truly understand. It is way different when it's your spouse.

Hoot619

MichiganPat,  I glad the light bulb came on, hopefully it will make it easier to deal with your LO.  I can see why you were in denial, you had gone thru this with others. LO couldn't have it.   I keep coming back here, it will be a month tomorrow that Jan passed. Reading what others are still going thru helps me come to terms with her passing. I'll keep you and yours in my prayers.  A Michigan Yooper, Hoot

Berryette

Pat-  and something that just blows my mind is that DH's confabulations sound so very convincing!!  When family comes to visit and he is telling them about something that happened or something the neighbors have going on- it is soooooo convincing and true sounding.  Sometimes I sit there and think- did that happen- am I losing my memory.  My DH has a very strong personality.  That is one thing that hasnt disappeared during this journey and I too have tried to understand how his mind is working.  This group has been such a big help- just learning to go with the flow, so to speak.  Good luck to you!

White Crane

Hi Pat,  my DH does the same thing.  While eating lunch, a car will pass by and he says it is a fellow coming home for lunch.  He owns a shop downtown and comes home for lunch every day.  He can't remember the name of the shop but he says he know where it is.  While we are out, he will say that same car passes us every day.  They must just drive around and around the block.   It used to annoy me and I would try to correct him.  Not anymore.  I just agree with him and say something that fits the situation like...maybe sometime we can visit his shop...then go on and eat my lunch.  Confabulation.  For my DH, he seems to need an explanation for everything...especially now that the world is not making as much sense to him.  He needs to understand even if he has to make up something.  Of course, it makes perfect sense to him.  When I just accept his explanation, he is content...and so am I.

PastorB

Hi Pat,

Imagine trying to make sense out of a world that doesn't make sense anymore. Your LO can think, but not remember, so is trying to put scattered pieces of information together in a way that makes sense, though to the rest of us it doesn't make sense at all. Trying to make the irrational rational can drive you completely crazy. As others have said, one of the spouse's tools is to distract and another is to just roll with it. If my DW were to give me your story about the honey, I might say, "Oh yeah, I should try to call them" knowing that she would forget about it after a little while, especially if I could distract her attention to something else. When DW had to stop driving, she would tell me it was time for her to have a test so she could drive again. I learned to just tell her to go ahead and make the arrangements, knowing that she would be unable to follow through. Another trick I would say with unrealistic requests is, "let's put that on our list of things we need to do."

My DW and I have lived near an amusement park for 30 years - a place she loves. She's in MC about half an hour from it now and recently started telling me it must have closed because she doesn't see anyone going there anymore. No possible way she could and the place is alive an well. I won't lie to her, but I just roll with it and say, "That is a shame, isn't it." The real shame is that she has no idea where she actually is anymore, but there is no point or need trying to convince her that the place is still open and regularly visited!

This is hard stuff because what you remember is a person who could engage in meaningful conversation. As that slips away, we still need for ourselves to try to engage in meaningful conversation. Sometimes it works and sometimes not: I can tell DW funny stories about our pets that she remembers, reminisce, and even talk briefly about things that come up on the news. Now that she is in MC, she developed a whole scenario about a guy named "Sam" who is after her. "Sam" exists in her mind because she is trying to convince me that she is unsafe so I will take her home. (To be fair, I checked and there is no resident or staff member with that name.) We found the best way to keep this in check is to keep her bed curtain drawn enough that she cannot constantly watch the hall to see if Sam is coming by. She could get up and look, but she doesn't. With the curtain in place, she is "safe" and happy. I also limit my visits because I find that the more often I am there, the greater the longing to come home and the more powerful and insistent her stories about men trying to hurt her become. I would love to see her more often, but it's better for her that I don't.

Another word that may be helpful is begin to expect the unexpected. Things may seem to go in a regular pattern for a time, but then change quickly. Those sudden changes can floor you if they catch you completely at unawares. My best supports were extra caregivers at home and a very good psychiatrist experienced with treating dementia patients. This is a medical issue, so having a psychiatrist who can diagnose illness and prescribe medication is critical. Our primary care doc is great, but gave me an excellent recommendation: a doc I was very grateful to have on board. 

Best to you!