I knew better

ghphotog

I'm new here so I'm soaking things up and feel I have a lot to share with people that understand. Hopefully all posts here are private and not searchable by google as many things I deal with day to day and experiences I post here can be sensitive and family members that may stumble across my posts will not understand.
Well. . . 
My wife is always picking things up and hiding them, remote controls mostly. Pointless to ask her where it might be but over the years I pretty much know all her hiding spots.
Anyway, I took her wedding ring off and set it on the counter so I could put a bandaid on that finger. I knew I should've placed it somewhere safe but I left it sitting there.
Sure enough it's not there any longer and I have searched the house and her favorite places to  put things.
I'm sure it will turn up unless I threw it away when I was picking up all of the used and folded tissues laying around.
I knew better but I didn't put the ring away myself and now. . .

BethL

If you are concerned about privacy, you could remove your photo and replace it with something kind of generic. You have already not used your name or where you live so that is good.

NatalieHaffner

What techniques do you use to prevent this?

Iris L.

ghphotog wrote:

 many things I deal with day to day and experiences I post here can be sensitive and family members that may stumble across my posts will not understand.

This is the point: just about EuVERYTHING having to do with dementia is sensitive, and no, family members, even some professionals, will not understand.  As for stumbling across these posts, although there are a few lurkers, usually only people who desperately need this information and support are here.  Other people are just not interested.  If they do happen to read, they want to point out what they see as mistakes, or they want to take advantage.  They won't be around to help.  Unless you find a hidden gem.  Try not to listen, because they will wear you down. 

Iris L.

Just Bill

Dementia hide and seek. What used to drive me crazy is just another day in paradise. Same with the 1000 questions. It used to be exhausting, just another day now. My perspective has changed quite a bit since the beginning. Not only have I adapted to her behavior I'm capable of adapting to new behavior pretty quick. She has been in a good place mentally so it has been easier comparatively to when things weren't so good.

RobertsBrown

Oh buddy.  I am 100% in that same place.

What impresses me is how incredibly fast the remote will disappear.  I had the wedding ring thing happen to me when I was in the shower.

Why are there tortilla chips in my shoes?  What's the deal with putting everything behind the couch?

This is a gal who can be absolutely still for hours, but turn my back for five minutes and she accomplishes an amazing amount of rearranging.  Seriously Guiness book stuff.

i am on my second remote, and was shopping for a replacement wedding ring when I finally found my original under the couch.

I have learned to never put anything down.  Everything goes in drawers, and, for now, that seems to work.

storycrafter

We have all done such things at some time or another, Ghph. It feels so gut wrenching, especially when it involves a sacred symbolic object like a wedding ring. It piles on top of everything our beleagured hearts are already dealing with, like a wound within a wound. 

We are so very human. You have a lot of company here. I lost my wedding ring and and beautiful, unique, diamond ring guard many years ago. I felt so horrible and was heartbroken about it at the time and a long time after. Time did heal and now it seems long ago. I'm able to see it's just a thing; able to know we survived the calamity.

We know all too well that saying, "Hindsight is always 100 percent." It is not helpful except to remind us, human beings can never be perfect. Regrets are part and parcel of living on earth. When something like that happens, I find it helpful to remind myself of a few things. First, it's important to acknowledge what happened and name the feelings. That allows me to absorb what happened and let's me move into acceptance of reality; it happened and there's no undoing it now. Then I've learned, it's time to be very, very tender toward my wounded imperfect self. It's time to give myself a lot of compassion and empathy. Heaven knows I'm doing the best I can.

In my family of origin, from a very young age, I somehow absorbed all too well how to beat myself up about not being perfect. The critical voices around me were very loud. So, I have to intentionally work at that last bit, the part about self compassion and treating myself with loving kindness, holding a safe,tender space for my vulnerable grieving heart. Then it can heal and move forward.

Anyway. All this just to say, I hear you, I see you, and you're not alone. 

PastorB

Hi ghphotog!

As you see from the earlier replies, your situation is by no means unique. Hiding is one of the hallmark behaviors of dementia. After watching my DW hone her hiding and hoarding skills over these past six years, I think I understand it a bit better.

> She will not remember where anything is.

> She hides it to keep it in a "safe place" where no one will "steal" it and she will be able to find it.

> She can't remember where she hid it even though she has a regular set of hiding spaces.

We went through this with cellphones, wedding rings and other jewelry, you name it. I used to call it the "daily scavenger hunt" even though it was far more than daily. Once she "hid" her pill box in the lining of her windbreaker by cutting the lining open, putting the box in it, and scotch-taping the lining closed again. I knew immediately what was in the jacket, but it took some detective work to figure out how to get it out again. Things would turn up in socks in her dresser, under her pillow, in the linen closet, etc. I developed a systematic way of going through the safe places at least daily. If it was unimportant, I would leave it alone. If it was valuable or important, I would retrieve it (keys, remotes, etc.).

At home, it is nearly impossible to prevent. After losing her wedding ring, I adapted by making a fun story out of a twisted piece of yarn to replace it. She still wears that "ring." I have her real one safely put away, along with the rest of her jewelry - once found a treasured bracelet broken on the bathroom floor. I think she forgot how to take it off before showering. I told her then we were going to put all our jewelry away for safekeeping. Soon forgotten altogether.

DW has been in MC for a couple of years and the hoarding hasn't lessened. What's helpful is that there are far less hiding places. She collects and hoards medicine cups, juice boxes, sugar, salt, pepper, tableware. Sometimes even cups and water glasses. She also hoards towels and bed linens. Again, I let her hide and hoard unimportant things (she developed a very impressive collection of drinking straws!). I surreptitiously clean out excessive things or things that can spoil when she's not paying attention. 

If it 's out of sight, it's out of mind. What she knows is the procedural memory of safekeeping, but has lost the short term memory of where it is. I suspect the ring will turn up.  One of my DWs is still in my former backyard waiting for the new owner to find it while gardening. Check the socks and dresser drawers!

All the best to you!

Ed1937

Just for your information. I did a Google search for "Ed 1937". On the first page of hits, one was "Profile for Ed 1937 - ALZCONNECTED". Then it said you have to be logged in to see my profile. But if I clicked on part of the link, it did show a few of my recent posts. That doesn't bother me because I'm not worried about my privacy here. 

When it comes to losing things, one day I noticed my wife did not have her upper dentures in. I asked her where they were, but she had no idea. I did not rush out to get a new denture made, and a week or two later, our son found them on the floorboard of the car. We understand just about anything that might come up here.

Davegrant

I identified with the hiding stories here as I never realized that this was so common. My DW hides things all the time and has for many years. The main item is her purse. Currently I know where her purse is but the billfold is missing and has been for several weeks. All her ID stuff is in the billfold but fortunately I made copies of all of them. I also have a tracker in her purse and have had some limited success. The item that I identified with the most is the kleenix. My DW wraps money in kleenix and hides it. I often find it and share the "good" news with her and she rehides it immediately. I am careful to not throw away any kleenix without a close examination. I've alerted my children to this in the event of our passing. 

Dave

ghphotog

Almost seems like we are all dealing with the "same" person. Hiding things constantly, folding an entire box of tissue, putting clothes in the toilet. . .
Yep she believes someone stole the ring. . .
My wife cries a lot in the morning, doesn't know where she is or how she got there and asking me if I know how she got here. I explain every morning over coffee while holding her hand that we live here. We bought the house together over 20 years ago, "see all of those pictures? Those are our families". . . etc, etc.

Thank you everyone for sharing your experiences with me

MaryG123

I’m sorry the ring is lost, a sad reminder of the marriage partner you’ve lost as well.  Could you borrow a metal detector and scan your home?  I’m planning to buy some “Tile” tracking tags for keys, remote, phones, etc.

dhyink

Wow! This sounds just like my DH.  Especially the Kleenex and remotes.  My solution was to buy several remotes from Amazon, then store them somewhere my DH won't look.   I also bought him an inexpensive wedding band and moved the real one somewhere safe.  I find Kleenexes everywhere.  Sometimes he has treasures hidden in them, sometimes it is just paper.   The biggest challenge is making sure he hasn't hidden anything in the laundry.  One time I opened the machine after the wash and had lots of tissue bits + nearly $200 in $1 and $5 bills!   He gets agitated if he doesn't have Kleenex, so I don't fight this.  Generic tissues are cheap and they seem important to him.    

toolbeltexpert

Yep tissue  and treasure hidden away. That's a big d thing. I got a hidden  treasure yesterday, a small garden snake thought my boots were a great place to hid till I put my foot in and realized something was in there. Glad it wasn't a baby copperhead. I'll take tissues anyday.

MaryG123

OMG toolbeltexpert!  I’m glad it was a friendly viper too.  You’d better keep those boots indoors!

PastorB

The stories about remotes made me howl. I completely forgot about those until I was looking for a computer cable in a box I have stowed away and found about six Comcast remotes. No, I put them in that box - DW lost a couple of them. She really lost two because I never found them even after she went into MC and I sold the house and moved! I had this collection of them because I went to the Xfinity store and told them I needed a new one. I explained and the guy handed me six of them! After I moved, I just took the batteries out and put them in my box of spare computer cables in the attic.

I bought DW a small TV for her room in MC. I think it took about a week for that remote to permanently take a vacation. The facility is not new to this challenge, though. They have a generic remote they can program to work with any TV. Her new supply seems to be inexhaustible.

Expect the unexpected and laugh off as much as you can. The laughter keeps a lot of tears and frustration away!

Best to all.