How could Hell be any worse.... Venting

FloydSnax

First of all, to all you caring for a loved one who's suffering from this disease.... you're suffering from it too. This is Hell. And it's only getting worse. Sometimes she so sweet and we share laughs during the day and I think she's still in there somewhere... then something will happen, or she'll say something and who am I fooling? Even basic conversation (most of the time) is out of left field.

 I do everything for her, and she denies that I do. I know it's not her and it's the disease, but it still hurts. If I didn't move in with her 6 years ago, I know she'd be long gone by now. I've already stopped two serious fires because she's so out of it. And that dreaded 4 o'clock hour that keeps my eye on the clock throughout the morning and into the afternoon, seems to be getting earlier. Of course, it is! I suppose it will progress till her every waking moment is this manic search for the kids that don't exist or that ride to her home she always expecting.

 It's taking its toll on me but she's my mom and she took care of me when I needed it most. I just keep getting these images in my head of the final separation in a hospital corridor with them pulling her away and the frightened look on her face and screams everywhere...I literally have to yell out at myself to scrape that image from my mind. 

I have a friend who has gone through all this and now she's on the other side. By that I mean the person she was caring for has passed, not her. And she sounds like a tremendous weight has been lifted from her shoulders. I even think I heard her laugh. I hope I will meet her one day on the other side. I hope we all meet her there. By that I mean the other side of this disease, not dead. But it's going to get worse before it gets better. I guess we all need to keep that in mind.

Ok, that's my vent. Got to go start dinner. Oh, that's another one. Cooking for over an hour with 3 burners going at once...sweating and trying my best to throw some vegetables on the plate. And always presenting my dish as if it's a five-star restaurant only to hear, "Oh, I'm not that hungry". Ok vent officially over.

mommyandme (m&m)

Venting is definitely helpful, glad you feel you can trust your vents here. 

I tell ya, I gave up the wonderful menus and cooking them.  The frustration I’ve felt from the meal being scoffed at was too much.  I use some fresh vegetables but often frozen or canned.  Lots of frozen dinners and easy to make sandwiches.  My mom only has two meals a day so that helps too.  Maybe you could let some of the menu items be ready made.  At this point I’m not so worried about sodium levels etc… Mom still likes to eat and doesn’t differentiate if I take 3 minutes or 3 hours to make something. Also there’s less clean up with the easy meal prep.  Both give me more time to sit with her while she eats (and help her) and enjoy our time cause I’m usually not frustrated about meal times any more. 

The hurtful accusations do cut deep.  I understand.  Our LOs focus on only themselves now also hurts. My mom used to care about my life and me.  Not anymore. She more worried if her cats have been fed because of course I’m probably an animal abuser in her world.  Those insinuations bothered me a lot at first, now, who cares.  I know I’m taking the best care I can of all the living beings in her home.  Have to remember to take care of me too.  

You take care of yourself  too.  Sending peaceful thoughts your way.  

SusanB-dil

Go ahead and vent. Don't know who would disagree with you, either.

We've been in middle of fixing dinner and she makes a pbj sandwich. 'We're about to eat'. 'WELL! I'm hungry NOW!'       that and other things and on it goes...

i really, really HATE 'this'.

FloydSnax

M&M

Thank you for your response. You made me laugh and you made me almost cry. This whole situation is so insane. With everything in life, it's how we deal with it, and I've been pretty good at that throughout my life. But this one takes some getting used to, I guess. 

Every night I say I say I'm not gonna cook. And every night I keep setting myself up. Even right now, I'm defrosting some pork chops...that makes me laugh. Even her doctor told me that she doesn't seem to be losing any weight and to consider yogurts or fruit for dinner and I'm defrosting pork chops. A couple of decades ago, I would just eat both plates but now I seem to be throwing $$ in the trash. But I'm coming around. There's this brand BRITOLLI (I think it is) that are the most delicious frozen pastas and a large variety to choose from. 

You have given me some advice or kind words in the past and for that I truly thank you. I really don't know how or where I'd be without this site. I do feel comfortable here.

FloydSnax

Susan B

It's not fair. And up to about 20 years ago...didn't even know it was a "thing".

Kay82

My first post here was venting, helped me so much to see posts from others who could understand my feelings. I don't post much, I read posts mostly, I find this is a very supportive community.

GothicGremlin

You should feel free to vent, FloydSnax, we all do it.

I end up feeling bad about a lot of things having to do with Peggy's care but not about cooking. No one, not even Peggy in her demented state, has any illusions about my cooking abilities - I have none. Well, I can make three things with confidence, the rest is just bewilderment.  The kitchen is not my natural habitat. One time I tried to make chicken for my dad when he was still alive, and had no clue. I cut it up, ended up with nine pieces. I called my friend for advice and she said, "GothicGremlin, chickens have bilateral symmetry, you should have 8 or 10 pieces, not 9."  Oh well.  I tell Peggy that story and she still laughs, although I'm not sure if it's with me or at me.

abc123

KMSL @ Goth's chicken story! I can totally relate to that story!

Hello Floyd! Venting is a good thing! M&M offered up some good advice about meals. I have also tried the Bertolli frozen pasta's AND the jarred sauces. Good stuff and easy! 

SusanB-dil, Greetings! I feel your pain. My mom once scooped up a handful of angel hair pasta covered in red sauce from her plate and plopped it to the floor for the dogs. I wanted to pinch her nose off because I had just mopped.

Sending you all good wishes for a peaceful day.

mommyandme (m&m)

Bertolli frozen meals are pretty darn good.  I’m resorting to Marie Callender’s and Stouffers frozen meals cause then I can use the microwave, don’t even dirty a pan… lol. We’re getting to finger food mode and casseroles just aren’t very finger friendly. So I’m trying to figure out new meal options myself. 

None of this is fun but we gotta find a smile somewhere.  Gothic… thanks for the smile! 

mimi262015

I love how you can find humor in an insane situation. My husband was diagnosed with Alzheimer's three years ago. Recently I realized I've nearly lost how to laugh. Any suggestions on how to get it back?

SusanB-dil

Hi mimi - 

Some things with 'this' make you either laugh or cry, so depending on the day, might as well just laugh it off.  MIL watches a lot of tv... wants 'something new' on. Put on a show that hasn't been on before, like maybe a reality show, and she declares she has seen it already recently and twice last year.   Also, we tell her well in advance, and even write it down, if we are having company (usually just my daughter and her DH, we keep company to minimum), and yet when we set the table for extra, she will get very upset and ask 'are we having company?'  Yes... "WELL nobody told ME!!" and gets all in a snit - until they get there, at which time she showtimes and all is well. We could find this a bit amusing, or cry... because it is rather sad, but unchangeable. And we know she will be in a better mood once they arrive, so, ok, whatever, it's just 'here we go again'.

Then there is the situation with the dish towels and dishcloths. Where have they gone? She may be throwing them out after use, or hiding them, perhaps? (thank goodness can stock up with Dollar Store) So we just figure that since we don't see them in the trash, that some day, some way, we are going to find a stack and a half of dish towels and dishcloths, placed who-knows-where, or hidden in some deep, way-back corner.

Gotta just go with the flow, or at least try to.

DrDave2

Thank-you for your post.  Venting is not only normal, yet needed.  While I only have words, please know I will be praying for you and your Mom.

BABA757

I do believe we all say from day to day, who would have believed this would happen?   Where has my life gone? I find a quiet spot somewhere in the day and close my eyes and just take deep breaths.  Peace in short moments.  Know you are not alone and you may not see us but, we understand and there are many of us behind you! Close your eyes and breathe.  This too shall pass. Your life is full of valleys and peaks and we all know this is definitely a valley.  Tomorrow always holds promise is what I hold onto. Find a few moments of peace for you each day!

ninalu

Hi FloydSnax,

I'm with everyone on this - go ahead and vent. We understand. 

One thing I wanted to share about kitchen fires: there are automatic shut-off devices that plug into your cooking range and prevent fires by turning off the range when it is unattended. The one I purchased for my LO also locked her out from cooking whenever I wasn't around to monitor. I set up the on / off times through a website and also monitored how many times it automatically shut itself off. Before we had the unit, she had had 3-4 small fires. Once we had the unit, the analytics from the device said that it shut itself off hundreds of times in the 18 months we had it. 

Apparently mom would wake up in the middle of the night and turn on all the burners on the stove and leave the room. The device, plus a camera I had installed in the kitchen, confirmed all this. The device also let me lock out the use of the stove - meaning even she tried to turn the stove on, she couldn't. I could, because I had the code, and I could give her access when I was able to monitor. The nice thing about the device is that, in addition to stopping fires, it stopped arguments. And a lot of fretting on my part. 

If your loved one has access to the stove and is trying to use it, I highly recommend this kind of device. It saved my sanity while cohabiting with a LO / PWD who used to "run the kitchen"