My worst fear

ghphotog

Does anyone else lay awake at night thinking about what it would mean if we, caregivers, didn't wake up some morning? Sorry, not trying to sound morbid but it's a genuine concern of mine.

Nobody is coming to check on us, my DW would not understand, she wouldn't be able feed herself or the dogs or give them water, she wouldn't even know how to go to the neighbors for help much less call 911. Nobody would check on us for days or weeks or longer.

She can get out the back but she doesn't know how to get through the garage and I have a lock with removable key in the front door so she can't get out that way and try to go "home".
The thought of what it would be like for her, alone, is terrifying to me almost every night if I didn't wake up some morning. 
My health is good but we never know.
Maybe that's my cue for MC, she would be safer but we are not ready for that yet.

zauberflote

 Welcome photog, and while I am not currently caring for a PWD, I really feel you! I have those thoughts anyway! If you still want to keep LO at home, is there any family, neighbor, or friend who could call you at certain time/s of day, and if you don't answer after a certain number of calls, there'd be a protocol you had previously agreed to? In your position I'd definitely be very anxious because I do that really well. 

Even if DW were to be in MC, you might feel more comfortable having something in place. 

Lorita

Hi,

That is a legitimate concern for caregivers.  Guess I didn't think about that when I was caregiving.  We live way out in the country and see very few people.  You know, I have that concern now that I'm alone.  I don't talk to someone every dsy.  If you have someone who could call each day, or you call them, that might help with your worry.

I had a good friend who retired and lived alone.  After a year or so she sold her home and movd to a new retirement home in Kansas.  Maxine was afraid she'd pass away and wouldn't be found for days.

This is sort of morbid but I have two Great Pyrenees who often stay in the house at night and four cats.  I worry that I might pass away and no one would know - well I won't go further but you can get the idea. Pets get hungry..

You're in good health so probably no need to worry.  St night we think of everything and worry.

toolbeltexpert

Ghphotog that was a real concern for me, we live in the country and I had locks on all but one door, but my dw couldn't dial 911, I have a nieghbor that offered for me to text him everyday as a safty check. That's a real concern if we think about it. Setup a plan for backup or just add that to the list of reasons to find a place. I ended up finding a place but that was just one of the reasons.

This is so hard on the caregiver having to make these types of decisions that are life changing for both the pwd and the caregivers.

Stewart

Bill_2001

"Do not distress yourself with dark imaginings." One of my favorite lines from the poem Desiderata.

You bring up valid concerns, but you have enough on your plate as a caregiver. You should take all of the precautions that you can, but you cannot prepare for every possible situation. Keep calm and carry on.

My safety toolkit and preparedness includes cameras, locks, alternate entry methods, grab bars, and friends and family checking in with me daily. EMT information is posted in plain site on my refrigerator. Another consideration is to be MUCH more careful when doing things, or deciding not to do them at all. I will no longer venture up a ladder, knowing my dear wife could not help me nor call 911. So I hire people for things like that. I go down stairs more carefully now. I call my doctor at the slightest sign of illness. Caregivers must be extra aware of everything.

We are not alone in the dilemma that you worry about. Consider single parents of toddlers, elderly couples where both suffer from dementia, or even people who simply live alone.

Take one day at time, and do the best you can.

ghphotog

Thanks everyone! I'll try not to worry so much and see if I can get somebody to call daily or so.
I know I've been posting a lot but I have so many things to ask and share now that I'm with people that truly understand.

MaryG123

No apologies needed ghphotog, as the topics you’re bringing up are very pertinent.  I’m learning from the wise folks who reply.

Ed1937

This is a good reason for most of us to have fall detection on a device that calls for EMTs if needed.  I have a son living with me now, but I expect him to be leaving early next year. Then I'll get fall detection.

Iris L.

For myself, I came up with the term, "look-for friend".  This is the person who will come and actually look for me if they don't hear from me for a while.  I had the experience of having a friend and close neighbor ask me if I had been out-of-town because she had not seen me for about a month.  No, I had been not feeling well and had been home all that time.  Although she did not see me, she did not make the effort to pick up the telephone and call me to see what was going on with me, or if I needed help or groceries.  She lived where she could see my front door.  I could have been dying.  So from then, I knew I was on my own.  I have no one who will come look for me.  I don’t have a look-for friend.  Yet, I look for other "friends".  Ironically, I have had people call me to look for other mutual friends.  They will look for them but not for me.  BTW, I no longer consider these people friends, but acquaintances.

I have an elderly, frail neighbor that I have been calling every day since Covid came into our lives.  I can check on her, but she won't check on me because she thinks calling me is bothering me.  One of my projects for the new year will be to figure out something.  I am not worried about falls, but about if I were to have an accident while I am driving or shopping.  It is a huge worry that is always on my mind, in the background.  I'm getting anxious right now, just posting about this.  

Iris

Battlebuddy

  I recently had a fall that resulted in 14 staples to the head. Really got me thinking. What if I had broke something? How would I have called 911?

  I went out and got the Apple Watch so I can call if something happens to me. I feel better having it available . I must admit that some days I don’t wear it so I’m glad for the discussion. Got to put the watch on every day 

Gig Harbor

I put together a binder of all our info for my daughter including passwords for everything. I also researched MC’s. I made the decision to place my husband before anything was needed. I like the idea of having someone to text everyday so that they would check on your house if they didn’t get the text. You could put an envelope on the fridge with info about your wife. She could be taken to the hospital for observation and moved to a memory care. Be sure you have a family member named to be the one to call. I know you said you were not close but choose the one who would help the most. See an elder care attorney and set up a plan in case you die first so that money would be available for her care. Find a home care agency and have someone come one day a week for 3-4 hours. That would allow your wife to get used to having another person in the house and if you ever needed home care if you were sick you would have someone already available. It would also give you a break each week. The Apple Watch is a good idea. If you fall it asks you if you want 911 called. You can also pay extra and have it become its own phone in case you didn’t have your cell phone with you. Put all your bills on autopay so that if you were to get sick services wouldn’t be shut off. I am sure others will have lots more to add.

Gig Harbor

I know I am an overplanner as a therapist once told me. However I feel better when I do it. It takes work to gather all the info you need but it lifts a weight off of your shoulders.

saltom

A longtime neighbor across the street from us who is widowed and I have an agreement to check each other's driveway every morning to see that the newspapers have been picked up. We can see each other's driveway from our houses.  DH also has a medical alert pendant he wears most of the time and hopefully he would know to press it even if he couldn't respond himself, it would alert the medical center. We have a combination lock box on our front door handle with a front door key in it. The medical alert company has the combination number as do our immediate neighbors who also have a key to our house. We are lucky to have wonderful neighbors who look out for us.

ghphotog

I have some good friends, retired nurses at the VA. He and his wife are my backup and have been very helpful when I had to take my mom to the doctor and in the middle of her procedure I checked on my wife via Alexa Drop-in she was having a potty emergency but I couldn't leave. My friends went right over, cleaned her up and put clean clothes on her. I can't even get her family to do something like that. They also are my emergency contact that I keep in my wallet if I have some sort of accident while driving. They would know what to do.

I asked him if I could text him every day, just a "hey" or "thumbs up" and if he doesn't hear from me he will try calling, then either come over himself or send someone for a welfare check. 
I'm slowly getting things in place and everyone here is so helpful.

Next is to setup a Trust so if I do die unexpectedly all of our money goes to her care. I just haven't wanted to spend the money for that yet but I will soon.

Crushed

We have a family trust. Our two wonderful daughters are successor trustees.  they have specific instructions as to what to do financially and other wise if I died.  

for injury I do wear my apple watch  and they can track that and my iphone.  i am a half mile for the largest medical complex in the USA  

You do what you can

 

CD5

Do you have someone you can call or text every morning just so they know you are okay?  Even a neighbor?  So if they haven’t heard from you by a certain time, they should know this is a concern.  Maybe set your alarm at the same time every day just so you know to send the text.  I don’t have that concern but if I did, that’s what I would do.

RobertsBrown

You have a real valid set of concerns, and I share them.

I  am aware that if anything happens to me, my gal is in immediate and serious trouble.  I can't leave her alone for fear of what would happen if I didn't come back.  That keeps me on the farm, but even there I find myself really looking at what I am doing.  If I get my foot under the tractor, or if a horse runs me over, or a hundred other things.  Even if she was standing looking at me, she would not understand what to do to save me.  That's more than a little concerning.

I honestly have no good answer.  I keep my phone on me as a lifeline, but what happens if I am disabled?  Like many of you, we don't get regular calls, and if we don't answer people just figure we are 'fine'.  There are commercial services that make daily check-in calls, and I am considering the wisdom of using one.

I also have to wonder how I ever got to this place.

Golden years.  Yay.

ghphotog

Yes, a very scary thought indeed but at least now I can check in with my friend every morning, via a short txt when I get up. He already called me yesterday when he didn't see my wakeup txt yesterday so I'm grateful for that.

loveskitties

If you have no friends or family who can call or text you daily to ensure your well being, you could contact your local police department to see if they have an automated service...some do.  It is a computerized service which does auto dialing and requires the phone be answered and responses given.  If police don't have it, you might try your local agency on aging to see if they know.

Another option is to research check-in services via web search.  These usually have a fee and can operate with either a real person or computerized.

We got a fall detection watch for my mother.  Be aware that most of these only alert on hard falls, so would not give alert if you were already in bed.

Lorita

Robert, you  might check on getting a Medical Guardian device.  I got one after I lost my husband almost eight years ago.  I live alone on a ranch and run cattle.  I don't talk with someone every day so thought it would be good to have one.  It detects falls and/or you can press the button.  They respond immediately.  

When I go out in the Gator to check the girls I cross a low place.  I wasn't always wearing it because I had my cell phone. Good friend, Sandy,said to me that if the Gator turned over and I wasn't wearing it, none of the girls would come over and dial my phone for help. Really got me to thinking so I am trying to wear it now.  If I'm away from home, it also works.  It does give me a feeling of security.