M1, have you visited lately?

Ed1937

Just wondering how it went for you. The last I heard, you had a reasonably good visit. Hoping you can say the same or better.

M1

Ed I went Monday after a reasonable visit on Friday, and it was a complete fiasco, i stayed less than ten minutes.  Lit into me the minute the activities director left us together, and she would not be diverted.  So I am back to square one.  I am trying to figure out how to proceed, but i don't think there's a good answer.  And yet:  then she went to the activities director on Tuesday with my phone number, said she needed to talk to me and hand't seen me in a year.  Meanwhile, our friends are able to visit successfully (yesterday).

All of which just confirms to me that it's the emotional connection to me that's the trigger.  If she's better off without my presence, so be it, and I will grieve in private.  I have to do what's best for her.  Hard to think of not being able to visit particularly with the holidays coming up, but I think that's what it's going to be.  And there is only so far i will let myself be browbeaten.  If my visits aren't helping her and are making things worse, that's just how it is.

Ed1937

I wish I had words that could ease your pain, but I know there are none. In fact I don't know what to say. Do you think it's possible that she actually thinks you haven't been up there for a year, and that's why she's so upset? It's hard to think someone would be like that for such a long period of time.

toolbeltexpert

M1 I am sorry this has gone backwards. I visit daily and my dw doesn't remember it. I know this isn't any help, and  I don't have any good advice.

I continue to keep you in my prayers.

Stewart 

harshedbuzz

M1-

I am so sorry this situation has not resolved as it typically does. 

During the period in which dad was new to his MCF, he had a similar kind of behavior with my mom. He had just enough on the ball to insist on cornering her in his suite where he would excoriate her. What helped in those days was to make sure she never visited solo-- I would go with her and do whatever it took to prevent him from moving the visit out of the public areas of the facility. In the phase of the disease, it was easiest to visit at lunch with some takeout to eat in the communal dining area. 

I don't know if you've tried something like this, so I thought I'd throw it out there.

HB

abc123

Dearest M1, I am so sad to hear this news. I hate this disease, I absolutely hate it. If it were at all possible for me to help you, I would do it in a flash!

Please take good care of yourself.

Sincerely,

Susan

M1

As always, talking to you guys helps so much, I am really suffering right now.  HB, I did try visiting with our friends--and she pouted and then dismissed them, saying she wanted to talk to me alone.  We may try it again, anyway--but I'm not optimistic.  I may try taking someone else with me--but there are just not many options.  Fearful of taking our neighbor from across the road because it will trigger more memories of the farm and upset her as to why she's not there.  Ditto with our very nice cabin tenant.  I'll continue to think about it.

ABC./Susan:  Susan is one of my favorite names, it's my daughter's name.  Thank you.  Hope you are doing okay, and your dad, too.

M1

Good question ArmyVet--I remember that you had similar problems towards the end, did you not?  But no, she clearly knows me and identifies me as the person who could "liberate" her, and whom she wants to be with.  Before placement, there were several instances of her confusing me with someone else and/or not recognizing me (telling people I had left when I was sitting right there on the couch), but there hasn't been a single incident of that since placement.  It seems pretty clear that seeing me upsets her because she wants to be with me and doesn't understand why she can't be, and that spending time with me at MC is not sufficient and not what she wants.

DJnAZ

"It seems pretty clear that seeing me upsets her because she wants to be with me and doesn't understand why she can't be, and that spending time with me at MC is not sufficient and not what she wants."

M1. While the adjustment to a MCF can be difficult for our loved one, and for us caregivers too, our wives are certainly making matters even more complicated. For 5 months when my wife sees me and she goes to her room to finish packing. She keeps most of her things in bags and bins ready to go rather than getting her room set up.

Due to aphasia she can't communicate verbally, but I see it in her face. She wants to go home and even in her cognitive fog she knows I am her ticket out. My visits are rarely more than 30 minutes and my leaving is definitely stressful. The staff has adjusted her medication so that my departure is a bit easier, but I know she is upset.

She is like a puppy that has been left at home all day...when she first sees me she is excited, happy and smiling. When I leave without her she looks so sad, confused and lonely.

I wish I could lend some helpful thoughts or suggestions, but all I can do is understand exactly what you are going through. I hope it gets better for both of us. Loosing my best friend was difficult enough, but this MC situation is really pushing my limits.

Ed1937

M1 wrote:

We may try it again, anyway--but I'm not optimistic.  

If you try it again, and she tries to dismiss them, tell her if they go, so will you since you rode together. Maybe worth a try?? Just looking at any possibility now.

Jo C.

M1; there are just not the right words to say how sorry I am for these heartbreaking and frustrating dynamics.  You are wonderful in how hard you have strived to make this better.

It brings to mind one of  the Members here who was just such a "trigger" for her husband. If he saw her, all went ballistic and she had to leave.   She was very creative, she got a wig in a different color and style, wore it, made herself a faked name ID badge to wear on her sweater, and when speaking with her husband, she spoke in a fake foreign accent.   To her amazement, it worked. She has had successful visits only when in her "disguise."  If she shows up as herself, all goes to pieces and she has to leave.

The things we find we must do.  I wish this could be better for you and so hope that this dynamic will somehow soon change.  Hope springs eternal.

Big hug,

J.