I moved my DH to a facility this week :,,(

Spanky77

Hi, my hubby was placed in memory care assisted living two days ago.  I know it was time and a half dozen of friends and family said I did the right thing…but how do you get past the guilt? I feel so bad like he’s “in jail” at a facility. The place is very nice but he needs staff with him if he wants to go to the garden.  I understand because it’s too risky. . I just feel very sad and guilty and the house is so quiet.  I’m curious how have others work through their grief? I can’t wait to see him today. They wouldn’t let me go there a few days for him to acclimate. 

Thanks for any thoughts. 

toolbeltexpert

Spanky I wish I could offer you some words or a specific process that would ease your grief. Your not guilty of anything, he's not in jail, he will be well fed and care for, your doing a great job. So why doesn't  it feel that way,I ask myself the same things. I haven't missed a day of visiting except when she got covid. Love hurts is all I can say. My dw has been gone since July 11. I have the empty house, and a broken heart, but love also heals, when you do things that are right,don't let anyone say otherwise, they are not in your shoes. Everybody does different things, I visit daily others 1 or 2 times a week. It is helpful to me because I am still my dw helper, if she isn't letting the staff do something for her and she let's me, I am still gonna show my love for her by my actions, she got a shower friday but didn't wash her hair so today I will wash it if she lets me. Little by little she's trusting others for those things, but it takes time. I have gotten to know the staff, some I already knew and the new ones I am learning who they are. They all have things going in thier lives, why do I love on them, they need to know I care because they care when I can't.

Sorry I got off on a tangent, but some of these things have helped me to know my dw is in good hands and that helps me know it's going to be ok, maybe not great or good, but ok. I refuse to give up loving my wife. This is part of how I have dealt with those ugly unwanted feelings.

I am doing the best I Can! And I know you are too!

Stewart

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Ed1937

If you feel that he is better off where he is than at home, that should be enough to get rid of any guilt. When you are to the point where you can't provide the care he needs, it's time for someone else to do it. And  he has people caring for him who are rested, and not overwhelmed from the rigors of caregiving. Sorry I can't help with the grief. I'm dealing with that too.

sandwichone123

Spanky, I placed my dh this past summer, and I have to admit sometimes I feel that way as well. Then I remind myself that it is not me, but his dementia that causes this placement. I'm free to rail at the dementia all I want, because that truly is the source of the problem. I would bring him home in a heartbeat, and send him back to work and enjoy the life we had before. But it's not my choice.

Another thing I sometimes remind myself of is that if he had some other illness, I would leave him in the hospital with bright lights and blinking monitors due to his condition if he needed it. Same thing.

Stuck in the middle

I think guilt is part of grief, along with anger, denial, bargaining and all that.  I feel guilt with all the people I have lost, and the more I loved them the greater the guilt.  I try to accept that grief, guilt included, is the price I pay for love and try to forgive myself.

You didn't put him in jail.  Jail is a place we put people for the purpose of taking their freedom as a punishment.  His disease took his freedom from him, and you put him in a place of safety.

ghphotog

So sorry for you. I'll be facing the same situation in a year or two. I have enough guilt just putting my DW in adult daycare a few hours now and then. 
I have often imagined what I will feel like when that day comes for me as well. As I walk away on the first day, looking back, her sobbing. Don't know if I can do it so you are a stronger person than myself and I hope you realize soon that you did the right thing. Respect for that!

Joe C.

Sparky, I placed DW about a year ago and felt the same feelings/emotions. The quietness of the house and the loss of the caregiver routine was so difficult to deal with I tried to stay away from the house as much as possible in the beginning. In time things fell into a new routine and it became easier but I still miss having my partner with me. Now I also know that placement was much more difficult on me than it was on DW as she slid right into the MC routine seamlessly.

Spanky77

Thank you.  Everyone has been helpful on this support line.  Its been 8 days, and I go see DH daily for about 5-6 hours because I don’t want to be home, either. . He seems ok, but when I take him out for awhile, I see him in deep thought and alert like he’s wondering why did I do this. I’m probably beating myself up.  

Well, I will take a day at a time…now I’m wondering what the holidays will be like. Thanks, again, everyone.  I don’t know if I replied correctly in this forum…but at least it should post. 

Ed1937

Spanky77 wrote:

I see him in deep thought and alert like he’s wondering why did I do this. I’m probably beating myself up.  

On the other hand, maybe he's wondering why you didn't do it sooner. Maybe he likes his new way of life. Quit beating yourself up. Become a friend to yourself instead of the enemy.

toolbeltexpert

I can't believe how fast time goes seems like yesterday you placed your dh. I am like you my visits are most of the day.  And like you the looming holidays, sounds terrible when I say that,but for me I can't imagine what it's gonna be like. My church family will want me to celebrate with them and I know many of them will visit my dw, but being home alone isn't where I want to be.

Spanky77

Hi, 

My DH was interesting today. We had a nice visit and went on a drive.  When it was time to go, he said “I want to go back with you to the other place” and pointed in the direction to the town we live . Sigh. The doctor told me people with this disease usually forget within a few minutes, but man, did that one sting. He was in the zone, again. .  Anyway, I’m glad I can talk on this support line. It’s still tough going home and tonight was quite cold out, so I’m thinking “is he warm enough” or “are they paying attention to him enough”. I know staff can’t give the care that we give our loved ones, and I do appreciate how hard they work, but when I hear he’s wandaring down the hall looking for familiarity at his MC facility, it reallly is tough. 

Thanks, again, for everyone’s thoughts. Night time is tough.  There are moments I feel slight peace. I’ve been told  Baby steps and a lotta prayer for us and our loved ones to feel comfortable.  

Gig Harbor

Maybe decrease your visits and the amount of time you spend with him. He is living his new life and he will become more settled but maybe it would be better if he had a chance to settle into a routine with the other residents. I think his new life has to become his real life and he will forget about his old home. As long as he is reminded every day that he lived someplace else it will take longer for him to settle in.