I’m too lazy to get therapy but probably need it

Danni L

 Hello kind people-I just joined and wondered if anyone else is struggling with caring for a loved one who was not a good parent? My parents are Korean immigrants who made many poor decisions. Despite that, my brother and I turned out fine. I’ve always covered up for their shortcomings so I have tremendous guilt even discussing this. Now that I have to care for them, I’m in a funk. I do not have the heavy lifting as they live far away near my brother. I’ll be traveling a lot to see them and handling financial matters. That’s the plan at least. Anyway thank you for listening. It’s nice to find this.

ninalu

Hi Danni L,

Welcome to the forum! I'm glad you found us and I'm sorry that your your family is affected. 

Balancing caring for our LOs and for ourselves is a common topic here. You are definitely not alone in caring for a parent who was (and/or still is) difficult. There is a LOT of wisdom, experience, knowledge and compassion here. I personally feel that I could ask this group anything that comes up in my journey of caring for my mom and myself. 

Financial care for a PWD is a significant piece, so please don't diminish your contribution there. You don't mention specific questions on this, so I don't know if you already have POA and have secured your LO assets. There is a lot of information on how to do this (the best practices, so to speak) that you can find by reading other posts or if you have specific questions, please ask. In my mom's case, ensuring that my name was on accounts and removing risk associated with her use of credit cards and transactions / creditors was an important thing to do ASAP. PWD are vulnerable in many ways, including financial. 

ladyzetta

Hi Danni.

Therapy is good if you choose to go that way.  When I was caring for my DH I did not have the time to go to a therapist. I spent a lot of time caring for my DH and had all the help I needed right here on these message boards. You can ask anything, you may get different answers because different things work for different people. People here are very caring and loving people, and I found all the help I needed was right here. Hugs Zetta 

mimi262015

Using both peer support and visiting with a professional therapist has helped keep me balanced as I care for my husband. Nothing beats the encouragement of others experiencing the same challenges of caregiving. However, conversations with my therapist help me to clarify my thoughts and feelings and together we come up with creative strategies to improve my wellbeing so in turn I can be a better caregiver to my husband. Moreover, many therapists conduct sessions securely online so there's no need to leave your home if your time and energy are limited.

CatsWithHandsAreTrouble

Hi danni, welcome to here, sorry you're going through with this. I'm in a somewhat ambivalent relationship with my parents and my sister pretty much despises them. We're both caregivers for our mom with Alzheimer's. The strain we've had on our relationship with our parents does effect how we care for them, more so for my sister than me.

Thankfully my mom's personality change from the disease has made it a lot easier for me to let go of my opinion of my mom in her "past life" and to embrace the current her. My sister struggles a lot with this and it has led to her having caregiver fatigue. It's not fun for anyone involved.

I just want to point out that you're not lazy for not getting therapy. You're conflicted about caring for your parents who you feel have let you and your brother down. That's totally normal to feel. There's a lot going on in your life that you're putting first before therapy. That's not laziness. "Lazy" is just a word people use to not offer help to others and justify their discontentment towards them. You have to put yourself first while caring for someone with dementia. It is a very draining disease for both those with it and those caring for them. 

Please consider putting yourself first, especially, especially since you're not on the greatest terms with your parents. Professional therapy can help you immensely.

Iris L.

Danni, my suggestion to you uis to read a lot of threads.  You are not the only one with these thoughts.  Keep in mind that not all therapists are familiar with the emotions and thoughts relating to caregiving for a parent with dementia.  Many of them are unfamiliar with anosognisia, which is a major characteristic of dementia.  Many family members wait in vain for some acknowledgement of gratitude or awareness from their LO, and it will never happen. If the therapist is unaware of anosognosia, the caregiver will be in big trouble, emotionally.

Iris