Caregiver's Anxiety

Kritv88

It has been almost one year since diagnosis and what a year it has been. I felt good about how things were going until about 3 months ago. Since then I feel like my anxiety is over the top. I am basically the sole caregiver for my LO. One sibling is not involved (so heartbreaking and disappointing) and one lives out of state (although helps from afar). Lately, my worrying thoughts about my LO feel like they are overtaking me. I feel like it's affecting my work and just my entire being.  I'm already on some depression/anxiety meds and I am truly considering going to a councelor or psychiatrist for help.  How do you all manage this?  As if caring for a LO isn't stressful enough, then we have this out of control anxiety...   UGH!

ninalu

Hi Kritv88,
I bet that so many of us relate to your post. There's that day or time when things suddenly feel  overwhelming or too much. 

My journey with my mom's dementia has been a slow work in process. If I had to sum it up, I'd say I had to get better at learning how to be flexible, kind to myself, and how to take care of myself when things feel out of control, hard, and scary. Before Alzheimer's came into my/our lives, my coping skills were good enough to get me through stressful times. With Alzheimer's, I've had to try new things and get better at certain things - not just caring for another person but caring for myself. 

I bet the recipe for managing anxiety looks different for each person. For me, it's being sure to get exercise (my anxiety is much worse if I can't move and breathe the tension out of my body), limiting how much time I'm on my phone / computer, seeking out laughter, meditating and reminding myself to breathe (instead of holding my breath when I'm stressed), reaching out to friends and making sure I don't get too isolated from my support system (that's a big one for me -- I go downhill fast if I lose touch with my friends, which is easy to do when work and family care take up all my time.) Basically, the anxiety of not knowing what will happen or fearing bad things happening has required me to develop coping skills around finding physical comfort and reassurance within myself. Also, learning how to take mini-breaks - how to step away from a tough moment rather than escalate. Self care for me combined with learning skills around caring for a PWD, too. I feel more balanced when I had some techniques around how to communicate with my mom so that she's as calm & reassured as she can be. 

This is a great place to ask this question because people here know the path you're on. We have to find ways to manage anxiety while in the middle of it. 

Hoping that you receive replies to your question that feel doable right now, that you can take a step or two now even if getting to where you'd like to be is a journey of many steps. 

SusanB-dil

Hi Kritv88 - I agree with ninalu that each of us copes in different ways.

Two #1 rules apply to 'this' - don't argue or reason with pwd, and also, must take care of yourself.  Might be hobbies, or getting away at least a few hours each week. If therapy is needed and will help, go for it. I don't utilize, but I see posts where it has been tremendous help for many.  

There are times I feel overwhelmed, too. You aren't alone with that at all.  

April-the daughter

Hello, I am new to this site and am the sole caregiver for my mother. She is 84 and has Alzheimers, I would say she is about 50% gone mentally. She frequently calls me "mom" and gets mad when she thinks I haven't come to see her if a "long time" which is never the case, as I live 3 miles down the road from her. She lives with my step dad and he tries to help as much as possible but he has health problems of his own, and is 86 and slowing down also.  Recently she had some elopement episodes that scared me to death! She tried to leave their home at night in the rain, saying she wanted to go home to her house. I had to go over there and calm her down for hours. I am now in the process of finding her a memory care facility but it takes time and there are a lot of hoops to jump through. In the meantime, she has said she wants to go home (right after they finish dinner) two more times, but my stepdad keeps the doors locked from the inside (they lock with a key on both sides). He used to keep the key in the key hole, but removes it at night, which can be a hazard if there was a fire or emergency.  Sometimes I get anxiety and don't want to call or go over because I am afraid it may trigger another episode of her her wanting "to go to her house" and I won't be able to leave. I still work full time and feel badly that my step dad has to deal with all of this too. She thinks she lives with "Pop" who is/was her grandfather.  She calls stepdad Pop, and sometimes calls me mom.  I need to find a way to stop my anxiety, and then I also feel guilty that I don't want to go there. I feel like a terrible daughter, but this is wearing me thin right now.  Any advice is appreciated.

Appy

Beautifully said!!

GothicGremlin

Hi Kritv88 and April-the daughter -

You've both come to the right place. We all have different strategies for coping with Alzheimer's, and all of the caregiver stress that goes with it. I can only tell you what has worked for me . 

As soon as my sister was diagnosed I got a therapist - I knew I was in over my head, and I was feeling overwhelmed. The therapist I chose has a background with Alzheimer's patients and caregivers, which was really important for me as I didn't know a single thing about it when Peggy was diagnosed. I don't see my therapist often, maybe once a month, but it's enough.  I also make sure to go to the gym, if I don't, I just become a little stressball. 

Also, in the beginning I read everything I could get my hands on so that I could try to understand this disease.  Understanding the Dementia Experience by Jennifer Ghent-Fuller is still the best thing I've found. To learn about the different stages of Alzheimer's I read Tam Cummings. And because my sister has early onset Alzheimer's, I also read Somebody I Used to Know by Wendy Mitchell.

April - all of the age stuff is really strange, I agree. Peggy's in memory care now, and she'll refer to the other residents as "girls". Well, these "girls" are 80 years old, if they're a day! I have a caregiver who I use mostly as an additional companion for Peggy, and Peggy refers to her as "the little girl".  She's 25.

mommyandme (m&m)

Hi, I feel you.  This has been a very anxious week for me.  I hate the physical feeling of anxiety. When it’s not just my mind working, but can actually feel it affecting my body, I know I better figure it out or I’ll lose days, months or years from my own life.  I really haven’t figured out a good way to help it subside except emoting and crying.  I do work out most every day but when I do I’m here reading and thinking. Helps the workout go faster though. Getting relief from caring for mom is my saving grace.  I’m working things out with a possible change up in caregiver help, think that’s my main culprit. There’re just so many other things besides caregiving for mom in my life, I’ve been able to ignore them somewhat until now.  Gotta find a way to deal without affecting my mental and physical health.  It’s very hard. 

I’m sorry for all of our struggles 

Linda. A daughter

   My mother has vascular dementia. Until this past July, she was in an apartment in independent living, where she didn't have to worry about meals, cleaning or transportation. She was slowing down and having some memory issues, but was managing pretty well. She was finally diagnosed with orthostatic hypotension, and things went downhill pretty quickly. I planned to move her to an assisted living community that we had visited and liked, and use her LT care policy to help provide additional assistance, if needed.

  But things went downhill very, very quickly and MC was the only viable option. Fortunately, she had enough financial resources that we were able to find a place where she received good care.

  Several people seem to cope by exercising, reaching out to others, etc. a/k/a healthy outlets for coping with stress and anxiety. I barely manage to get out of bed and go to work. I've stocked up on frozen entrees and prepared salads because the idea of grilling a piece of fish or chicken or roasting vegetables is too much. 

  I don't want to reach out to people because I don't want to talk about it. I just want to be alone because I find it too difficult to cope with well-meaning things people say "my uncle had a similar issue but it got better", "you'll feel better once your mother dies and is no longer suffering," "you're lucky that you still have your mom... I lost mine to cancer when she was 45: Also, it just makes me sad to talk about this or answer questions. 

  I started seeing a therapist last week, and I hope that will help.

  This feels like a safe space to say how I feel, and not be judged because I had to move my mom into MC. At around the same time the memory issues got so bad, it was not safe for her to be alone or manage her medication or walker -- she had a couple of falls. And it just reached the point where she needed assistance for ALL of the acts of daily living.