Only Mean to Caregiver

GG7680

My 89-year-old father was diagnosed with Alzheimer's 6 months ago.  He reserves all his anger, paranoia and hurtful words for my mother (caregiver).  No one else sees/hears it.  I am learning that he did this on a smaller scale for a lot of years but mom never told me until now because it has been amplified due to the Alzheimer's.

MY QUESTION:  Would a person with Alzheimer's specifically behave badly with the caregiver but then act like nothing is wrong--cheerful, talkative and friendly--when anyone else is around (and at anytime)?    This doesn't sound like Alzheimer's but rather a narcissist.  I love my father very much but I am watching my mother age quickly because of his amplified behavior.

Thoughts?  Advice?  

Stuck in the middle

They say that when you know one person with Alzheimer's, you know ONE person with AD.  In your father's case, it sounds like he was always abusive to his wife, but is now less inhibited about it, due to AD.  This is not a real unusual situation.

The diagnosis is less important than the question of what you can do about it.  He isn't likely to change at his age, so it may be that the only way to help your mother is to arrange other care for him so she can be less exposed to him.  Will your mother accept help with his care? 

M1

I agree with Stuck, but i wouldn't necessarily extrapolate from previous behavior to dementia behavior. Your mother is undoubtedly his "safe target" because he has the strongest emotional connection to her. Happens here too- my partner gets upset when i visit but not with anyone else.  Those closest to us are frequently the strongest triggers. She may have to turn his care over to others, but it's not easy, i guarantee that.

harshedbuzz

GG-

Hi and welcome. I am sorry for your reason to be here but glad you found us.

What you are describing is not unusual-- there's even a word for it-- showtiming. This is when a PWD puts on a display and portrays themselves as a better version of themselves. They may seem more "with it", more engaged, sociable or pleasant. All caregivers find this crazy-making to some degree, but when the PWD is generally nasty, it really feels cruel for them to be nice around others. 

Another piece to this is that dementia is about so much more than just memory. Loss of empathy is something that happens fairly early in the disease process, too, which can lead to a PWD having no concern about how their behavior impacts others.

That said, mental illness doesn't vanish with the onset of dementia. If dad was a narcissist before, this might be even more noticeable as his social filters wane. My own dad had some mental health issues. His geripsych thinks undiagnosed bi-polar based on family history; a friend whose a clinical psych and knew him pre-dx thinks he was more of a high functioning sociopath. We didn't enjoy an easy relationship, but he was generally the life of the party with others. As dementia set in, he lost control of is public-facing persona and saw what was obvious to me all along. While dad was diagnosed fairly late in the disease, he burned through friends at the club 15 years prior, and again when my parents moved to MD and then FL to give him a fresh start.

And yet another factor in this could be (or not) how your mom interacts with dad. If she's exhausted from running their lives and resentful she might not always be using best practices in her interactions. If she's correcting him, reminding him of the disease or telling hard truths rather than using validation and fiblets, she could be part of the problem. 

Sometimes this kind of behavior can be addressed with medication to relieve anxiety or depression that is expressed as irritation. But if it can't, placement for him might be a better option for both of them. 

HB 

EMCas

I understand this all too well... Mom was diagnosed with Dementia in June, she is 93, and has been just cruel to me and my siblings since she went into a memory care facility. Her behavior towards us was recently observed by her doctor, who prescribed Seroquel to her 1x day. So far, it has helped her tremendously. You should speak to your dad's doctor about it, maybe it will help?

GG7680

Thank you all for your response.  Despite my father's age, he is still able to take care of himself, work in the yard and all the other basics.  He is losing the ability to keep the checkbook, pay the bills, etc. so the struggle is with letting go and having mom do it.  His issues at this point are all the mental part of the disease (and who he was prior to the disease).  He also thinks she is going to leave him despite her reassurances. 

So hard to differentiate what is the disease and what is his personality.

Nighttime is the worst!  During the day he is "fine" but when the SUNDOWNERS appears to be kicking in, he is verbally mean and angry...and my mom is so sensitive to begin with.  Ugh.

GG7680

EMCas

THANK YOU so much for the suggestion; I will ask the doctor about it.

GG7680

Thank you.  The problem is he is able to take care of himself, carry on conversations, etc. so not quite where he needs to go to the memory unit but yet my mom is struggling.

Nighttime is the worst!  Most days he is fine but when the SUNDOWNERS appears to be kicking in, he is mean and angry.  At this point it is all verbal...and my mom is so sensitive to begin with.  Ugh.

GG7680

HB

Wow, did you hit the nail on the head with describing my dad.  Thank you for sharing your insight.

Today I reached out to my father's doctor and asked for them to consider reassessing his medicine.  They got back with me and said they were making a change.  (May not work but at least we tried).

Alzheimers org reached out to me and is providing me with some county services for my mom--and they come out to the house (so she cannot avoid it).  I found out that my aunt had given her a flyer regarding support groups when dad was diagnosed (my aunt is in the 3rd year of giving care to her husband with dementia) that she ignored.  So she has been avoiding rather than dealing with the need to step up and take care of herself......now I feel more equipped to give her the help she needs.

I will begin looking tomorrow for memory care units within driving distance for my mom so she can visit my father when he needs to be placed in one.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

Appy

My Mom's caregivers and I have all experienced this with her. Mom and I have always been close and seldom had cross words for each other. But especially over the past year as her dementia has progressed she has turned her anger on me more than once. Trying to help get her moved from one place to another she will get frustrated and look at me with such anger and shake her fist and yell, "Get the he** out of my house and don't come back!" Breaks my heart every time even though I know it's not her but the disease. Each of her caregivers have been the recipient of her anger...some telling me that she can swear with the best of them! Dropping Fbombs and making horrid comments to them. That is not my Mom. We all have come to a place where we just don't respond to her when she does this. For me, I have to just walk out and come home (across the driveway)...crying all the way.

Vickierd

We are having problems with my Aunt that lives with us (myself 51yo disabled/ my daughter 19yo-autistic- working- college student, and my son 18yo autistic- working- highschool senior). 

She is a large 61yo, working. I'm trying to get my cousins (her children). To get her tested.  She is acting, but mostly saying just outrageous things to my daughter. For example: last year my daughter worked but had no friends, my aunt told her that she needs to get out and find friends. My daughter did make a few friends at work. Now this year, that my daughter is going here and there with her friends (she's never gone long) my aunt is calling her a slut, and saying that my daughter is lying to her. Saying she never cleans the house, isn't taking her school seriously (kids got As&Bs) but because she's doing her school online. That's a problem. Every time she sees my daughter it sends her into a rage, over nothing. My son on the other hand is a little higher up the autistic level. He tries to be the peace keeper with her. I also try, but I can't just let her keep tearing down my daughter. Now, my aunt who has diabetes, AFib, COPD, and asthma. Won't take her medications as ordered, won't eat anything healthy, wants to move out, and buy a house on her own. She also has 3 animals, she can't take care, we do. My cousins when I hit them up, won't even answer me. Any advice would be much appreciated. 

prov1kenobi

Showtiming ! 

I have an 80 year old brother who’s dementia has accelerated exponentially over the lasr 12-13 weeks. it started with a 3 day stay in a local hospital to treat covid-19. There, he was diagnosed with dementia. (I have recently read that covid 19 can accelerate the development of dementia). 

So, when this went down in aug sept 2022, my wife and I moved in to take care of him. I saw what was happening. i saw that his mental state was deteriorating quickly. Remarkably though, I noticed that whe was involved with a group of people, his ability to connect and communicate was restored. People who didn’t  know what was happening would think his mental state was perfect. Now, let’s throw in the term “narcissist”. After reading what a narcissisr is, and combining it with my brother’s dementia, made me understand what was happening to my brother. WHAT A PERFECT STORM ! 

This whole thing is crazy ! He abuses me, my wife who does all of the cooking, cleaning, and laundry, and his daughter verbally all of the time. to use a term “it is my wsy, or the highway” is a term that describes his attitude toward the people who love him and care for him. This is brutal ! Here we are cleaning up his pee, his diapers, his crappy toilet paper, his pee soaked bed and pajamas….and he abuses us. 

but yet, people in his own circle of friends think he is pefectly sane