Bathing(4)

Crkddy

I've been assisting DW for several years now with bathing and hair washing.  However, just in last couple of months, she no longer will get in the bathtub or shower.  I know she no longer recognizes me as her husband (now just a roommate), so I thought her newly found modesty was the problem.  I started getting her hair washed at the hair salon, and she cooperated.  I tried that today, but she wouldn't allow it.  So, DW is desperately in need of a bath and hair wash, and I'm at a loss.  It's not that she is unable, she is just unwilling.  She is 60 with EO, and her physical health is still good (if not a little smelly.)

Any helpful experiences you're willing to share would be appreciated.  Best regards to all.

Ed1937

There are several things you could try.

1. Make the bathroom as inviting as you can. Pretty towels and washcloths, make the room plenty warm for her (not necessarily for you), use Alexa or another device to play soothing music that she might like, and try to make it seem like a spa or special treat for her. You might even try some relaxing aroma therapy.

2. I tried the above, and it only worked for a very short while for us, but that doesn't mean it won't work longer for you. One of our daughters was over, and she knew her mother gave me a problem when it came to bathing. She took her mother by the hand, led her into the bathroom, and came out with a newly bathed mother. She then asked me not to try to get her into the shower, but let her know when she needed one, and she would try to handle it. We set it up where she would call every other day to tell her mother it was time for a shower. Then I would get in there with her to get her clean. This worked for well over two years, maybe over three before she finally went into a facility. So a person other than you might have more luck.

3. Be compassionate. After my wife became incontinent, there were times when I had to get her into the shower without our daughter's help. This was always a huge problem, and it would always lead to a lot of yelling, and sometimes I physically forced her into the shower. After fighting the battle like this for weeks, one day I didn't get upset when she refused to get in the shower. I just told her I was very sorry, and I knew this was really hard for her. But I told her I loved her, and we would work together on this because it had to be done. I kept telling her it was OK. I kept apologizing to her, and I came across as someone who really was sorry it was so hard for her. This really had an impact on her demeanor, and she complied with my request to get in the shower. She still didn't like it, but it was so much easier for both of us.

I don't know if any of these will help you, but hopefully others will leave comments too.

ImMaggieMae

Is there room for both of you in the shower? My DH was resistant until he got to the point where he really couldn’t wash himself, he would just stand there with the soap in his hand when I finally convinced him to get in. So I got in there with him and washed both of us and shampooed our hair. When he started becoming a little resistant lately, I discovered that later in the day he was more willing. I think it may have been since it’s gotten colder or perhaps he just wanted breakfast first. Also, when it’s both of us I can just tell him WE gotta take a shower, we’re starting to smell. ‘We’ works better than telling him to do something he doesn’t necessarily want to do. At least for now. Things change.

ghphotog

Bathing is a very dramatic event at our house so bathing only happens every two weeks or if there is a potty issue. In the meantime I wash her feet and legs, apply moisturizer and get her clean socks and underwear. That's dramatic enough. When it's time to bath I have to help her through all of it while she cries and sobs. I understand.

nancyj194

Snow and the garage door crisis. 

Yesterday morning I opened the garage door to get some firewood, as snow was predicted later in the day. Perhaps 6 or 7 years ago, DH put up a fluorescent light fixture above  one side of the garage door. Each time the door went up it would bump the light, but DH was adamant he needed the light on that side of the garage.

As the door went up, I heard a crash and bang and the two long lights shattered everywhere.  

The door stopped and would not go up or down. A neighbor came over and pulled the fixture out and so I went about cleaning up the broken glass and pieces of the fixture.  I then brought some firewood in and the garage door would not close all of the way.  I called the garage door company that installed the new door in 2014 and was told that there was no one available, so it would be an emergency service with a $250 fee on top of the labor and parts.  

I asked about Friday she said they were booked for Friday and then she mentioned the holiday coming up on Monday.  I made the phone call at 11:00 am on a Thursday, not a Sunday or holiday! Then she wanted my credit card number to charge me the $250, before they would even come out, which she hoped would be by 7 PM that night.  I said I would call someone else.  

DH did help with the glass clean up by sweeping, but that was it. He spends most of his days sitting in his recliner, sleeping or humming and making the same sounds over and over. 

I called our son, who was able to leave the university and see what he could do.  When things were getting worse rather than better, he called another garage door company recommended on the neighbors FB page.  They would have someone out in an hour to an hour and a half. 

This fine man arrived an hour later and within and hour had the door repaired for a grand total of $115. Thank goodness for the red flag with the other company on wanting my credit card before any work was done!

Life is stressful, but it could be worse.  

The calvary or sorts did help me out. Mostly it is just me doing everything, but yesterday two very amazing people helped me get through this. 

I know this rarely happens, but when it does, I am truly thankful. 

Crkddy

Thanks to all for sharing.  I do wish I had daughters to help, but only sons for us. We do have a nice large shower, and I have been getting in with her for quite a while now.  If I can just get her to remove her clothing, then getting to the shower follows fairly easy.  I haven't tried later in the day when her mood is better.  Dumb me, I still default to old habits, even after almost 5 years of this journey.

Ed1937

Here is a video that might be helpful. I hope it is. When someone with dementia REFUSES to bathe [try this]