Just another heartbreak and lie

sweepmore

I live in Florida and take care of my Alz. mom.  I have for 5 years.  I decided to place her in a "Memory Care" facility.  I had to make a doctor's appointment for a TB test and to fill out the 1823 form.  I have been driving back and forth for paperwork, down payment (it is 45 minutes away) for about 3 weeks.  I panicked last week when they told me she would have to have an assessment with a nurse.  I waited 2 weeks for a return call when I didn't get one, I called and made the appointment myself.  I talked to the Memory care person and told them I was scared they wouldn't take her because she is total care.  They said as long as she can talk and eat she will be cared for here don't worry.  Well, the assessment was today and they won't take her because she is not a high functioning alz. patient.  They want to hand her a wash cloth and her bathe herself and they will do her back.  They won't her to put on her on pull up and wipe herself.  Not going to happen.  She is stage 6.  This was supposed to be a Christian facility and they did this.  Total waste of my time.  I found out that what they did is they have a Standard license for assisted living and just titled themselves as a Memory Care Facility.  Very misleading.

Wow this is disappointing.  Over 140 views and no one comments?  I was expecting feedback.  Like I need to know if anyone else has had this issue and what did you do about it?  Skilled nursing perhaps?  I don't know anything about skilled nursing so I would like feedback on that from someone.  I would hope I am not alone in this.  Does Medicare pay for Skilled nursing?

Now the facility is holding her $1000.00 deposit until I come in and sign a form.  It just never ends.

SusanB-dil

Hi sweepmore - eeeasyy...  I know this is first chance I've had to be on since yesterday morning... and you will have folks who check out what's going on without posting, and that is fine. I figure we are all learning something as we go.

Sorry you had such a lousy experience. It sounds like they are a mid-way facility, but I guess they shouldn't have put themselves out there as 'memory care', but 'mid-way care'.

toolbeltexpert

Sweepmore, that kinda sounds like cherry picking,I would move on! Skilled nursing might be an option and medicare might pay some from what I understand but not all and it is expensive.

I would find another memory care facility, and would use all the experience you've gained. Ask what they can do, but I wouldn't mention the other places rejection unless specifically asked about it and offer your reasons why they rejected.I learned alot in this part of the process, I didn't offer information about my wife unless they asked, if it was a medical question I referred to the physician.  Ask if they have a bed, what it does cost, can they transition to Medicaid if your going that route. Set that evaluation if they meet your qualifications. Your doing great and hope you find just the right place.

Sorry you invested so much time into that place, if it was a real christain based they would have offered you some help finding a place imho.

I had to use a skilled nursing for a month till a bed opened in my choice, dw is settling in a little after 6 weeks.

Stewart

PattyAZ

Sweepmore... I'm so sorry you had this terrible experience.  I used a free service "aplaceformom.com" to help me find a memory care facility for my mom - and I know there are other services out there.  They provided me 4 or 5 places that I then researched and visited.  I only considered locations within a few miles from where I live.  I pray you will find the right place.

MN Chickadee

The term "memory care" is used loosely. Its meaning varies a lot by company and state, as does licensing. Some do indeed cherry pick residents for "easy" ones. Some require them to be ambulatory and have certain skills upon moving in but will let them stay as they progress. You will want to tour a bunch and ask lots of questions about the services they provide and what would cause your mom to have to move. All will require an assessment usually done by a nurse and probably her doctor to sign off and send an official med list. You want to be honest and up front about her needs so there are no misunderstandings and they know to staff to the right level for the residents. Many do the hands on care you are looking for, you just need to cast your net wider. My mother was in two MC facilities, and both did incontinence care, bathing, and eventually feeding, two person lifts to move people, and everything to let them age in place. My mother passed away in the MC facility, we brought in hospice at the end as well. If a person requires more acute medical care sometimes a move to a skilled nursing facility is needed, but not everyone. Sometimes the only Medicaid beds available are in SNF. Medicare does not cover any of this. Many people start as private pay and transition to Medicaid when funds run out. You can google long term care Medicaid 2022 to get a sense of the rules in FL.You want the advice of an elder law attorney for planning how to pay for her care. They will look at her individual finances and advise how to proceed. Each state has different rules on medicaid, and you want to make sure you get legal advice up front to avoid issues. There are also some tricks you can do for spending down so the legal advice is a lot up front but tends to save money and headache in the long run. Then you will know how and when to apply for medicaid.

harshedbuzz

sweepmore wrote:

Wow this is disappointing.  Over 140 views and no one comments?  I was expecting feedback.  Like I need to know if anyone else has had this issue and what did you do about it?  Skilled nursing perhaps?  I don't know anything about skilled nursing so I would like feedback on that from someone.  I would hope I am not alone in this.  Does Medicare pay for Skilled nursing?

Hi and welcome.

I am sorry for your reason to be here, but happy you found us. 

I am not surprised you got a lot of views and no feedback initially. Like many online communities, this one has a lot of "lurkers" who read but don't post-- perhaps they're new to dementia and don't feel they have something to contribute, maybe they only have time to read given their caregiving responsibilities, or maybe they're uncomfortable posting. It could be that many of the members saw your post and didn't respond because your situation is not something with which they have dealt. Many folks here keep their LOs at home through the end of the disease with the help of aides and hospice services and wouldn't be personally familiar with this scenario.

My mom and I had a similar situation to yours. Dad was not accepted by mom's first choice of MCF. Dad also "failed" the screening by the MCF's director of nursing who came to interview him at home. Dad had mixed dementia including an alcohol-related form that is sometimes associated with challenging behaviors. By the time we were seeking placement, dad had calmed down and was fairly docile. He was pleasant during the interview (he could showtime like there was a paycheck in it for him) so we were surprised.

My mom was crushed by the rejection and very angry. I took it more philosophically; I didn't want dad in a facility that was cherry-picking for the merely befuddled. I wanted well-trained and experienced staff in case something went sideways. And I didn't want to deal with having to move him if he were asked to leave. I feel like we dodged a bullet. Dad was accepted by our second choice, and it turned out to be the right fit. He got excellent care.

IME, a religious affiliation means little in terms of quality of care. IMO, A Place for Mom is the devil. They are a clearinghouse for facilities that pay a kickback (said to be 1-2 months' rent) to be included in the area listings. Many very nice places are able to keep their beds full without this kind of advertising and I'd rather dad was in a facility that spent their money on training and retention of staff. Plus, once they share your contact information, you will be getting calls for their affiliated salespeople every time management changes. I got a call almost 3 years after my dad died asking me if I was happy with his current placement. LOL, it went to speaker and I had mom in the car-- it took me days to convince her I wasn't planning to place her.

HB

mommyandme (m&m)

I kinda agree with HB on “A Place for Mom”. If a facility can’t fill their beds without a contracted sales force then maybe there’s a reason.  I’m sure there are good placements with their recommendations but they hounded me with sales calls disguised as caring support.

jfkoc

I am just checking in now too and do not always open this forum.

What has happened is horrible for your mother and you.

Finding placement is really hard. I do not think it makes a hill of beans what religion is in charge or if it is for or non-profit. The food is certainly secondary also.

So what does matter? Staff training (initial and ongoing), inspections infractions and what they must do as is listed on the state license.

I think all facilities amke an assessment and if they are in demand they will take the easiest clients. It just makes sense.

So you are now at square one. How can we help you get started again.

BTW...I would have all correspondence going forward documented. Email works well for this.

Judith

BassetHoundAnn

Hello, Sweepmore. I'm so sorry for what you've been through. You asked whether anyone else has had a similar experience. Yes, I'm afraid so. I was preparing to move my mom into a nearby memory care. Their nurses did two assessments and felt she would fit well in the facility. I went and picked out her room, had a moving company scheduled as well as medical transport. The day before the day of the big scheduled move, hours before I was to meet with the facility manager to provide the downpayment and finish the paperwork, the head nurse phoned me. She said that according to their medical assessment software, which assigns points for care needs, my mom was only a couple points away from being disqualified as requiring too much care. So they didn't want her. 

I was shocked and beyond furious. How could they do this to us? It was a highly regarded facility owned and operated by the local Catholic church. My mom had been a devout Catholic all her life. How could they do this to her? 

Once I calmed down, others with more experience chimed in and talked some sense into me. It was a good thing that they rejected her before she moved in, otherwise they may have tossed her out as requiring too much care after just a brief period. That would have been even more awful. Clearly this facility was cheery-picking the easy-to-care-for residents. 

I found another memory care closer to our house that takes high-needs ALZ sufferers. When I shopped for another memory care I was perfectly honest with everyone I spoke with. I said she had been rejected from another facility for requiring too much care. I detailed her care needs. I even provided a printed list of her specific care needs, her ALZ stage and cognitive deficits. I told them she was doubly incontinent and needed to be supervised at meal-time. 

So far the memory care where she's living is pretty good. Not great, but o.k. She's been there over a year. I'm grateful she was rejected from the other memory care because surely they would have tossed her out as her care needs grew, a terrible scenario that never occurred to me.

This is a devastating disease. It's devastating for us all, patient and family alike. 

I read your message last night but didn't respond, meaning to do so today when I had more time to write. I read the messages on this forum before going to bed, for insight and comfort. I suspect many others do that too. If there's something I want to respond to in depth I usually wait until the next day when I'm more rested, have given it some careful thought, because I want to be as helpful as possible and not take up bandwidth unnecessarily. You'll find members of this forum really give responses their full heart. They don't often fire off responses like knee-jerk reactions. I can understand your frustration, but give us time, we'll be helpful <g>.  

To summarize, consider this rejection a good thing. You'll find a much better suited memory care soon. 

GothicGremlin

Hi sweepmore -

I'm sorry your mom got rejected like that. It sounds kind of deceptive to me.

When I was getting ready to place my sister in memory care I shopped around. The first place I went to pretty much ushered me out the door as soon as I started listing Peggy's issues.  I was surprised that incontinence was an issue for them. I mean, what do they think happens in stage 6?

So, I'm squarely with harshedbuzz and BassetHoundAnn - given this facility's deceptive practices, it's probably a good thing your mom isn't going there. Who knows what issues would come up in a month or so? And after awhile it becomes very difficult to move the person who has dementia. Drastic change will almost always lead to a meltdown.

After I shopped around more, I found a pretty good memory care facility for my sister. She's been there a little more than a year now, and I'm generally happy with them.

Also like BassetHoundAnn, I saw your post late last night and made a mental note to respond today when I was more rested.

Val2010

I hate this has happened. I wish there were more options. But It doesn't sound like she would be a candidate for skilled nursing. She would be more suited as long term care resident and I know that sounds scary too. But I have faith you will find the right place for your mom.

sweepmore

Thank you.  I checked on skilled nursing (she doesn't qualify for Medicaid) it is $11400 a month.  Not an option.  Council on Aging (she has been a day patient for 5 years) is helping me either find placement or someone to come into my home.  I don't know anything about home care, but since mom is ambulatory I worry that I am still not going to get the break I need.

sweepmore

I am just so tired.  I placed her in a MC facility here for Respite care before and the whole time they didn't shower her or brush her teeth.  It seems like Florida is easy for the deceptive process of cherry picking.

sweepmore

Thank you.  Yes the food is not as important to me as at first it was Lol.  I am tired and can't see an end to this.  It is just me taking care of her.