How to get my mom to her doctor appointments

Cheri H.

I have posted here before and all the comments I received are so helpful!  Update on my mom, she had 3 really great days, and I am forever grateful.  The great days mean she was not angry or rage filled and I loved being with her, she was happy and interested in "her world" and the things she loves like playing cards, sitting on the deck and making puzzles. 3 days of good preceded the worst rage day we witnessed.  We were hoping with her new medication, designed to help keep her calmer and more interested in life, we would have a chance to openly discuss with her moving to a facility and going to her next doctor appointment. So, thinking this is not happening now.

My mom fights us on every appointment, several have been cancelled and some only attended by me and my siblings We realize she needs help beyond what we can offer.  My sibbing's and I have made arrangements for her next doctor appointment, this next appointment would determine if she is capable of living on her own.  We anticipate, we will not be able to get her to the appointment.  WHAT do we do if we cannot get her to go?  

Linda. A daughter

I am so sorry you are going through this. First, you watch dementia take over, and then you have to fight with your parent (like she is a toddler) to get her the help she needs, but refuses to accept. Not to mention the guilt and anxiety it causes the loved ones. It helped me to have a good social worker to navigate and I highly recommend seeking one out ... her doctor's office might be a good place to start.

Phoenix1966

Tell her that Medicare (or whatever insurance she might have) requires a check-up to maintain coverage and that if she misses it, she will be dropped. 

Call it a lie, therapeutic fiblet or whatever to yourself. It’s okay. We do what we have to to get them to go. 

harshedbuzz

Cheri H. wrote:

We were hoping with her new medication, designed to help keep her calmer and more interested in life, we would have a chance to openly discuss with her moving to a facility and going to her next doctor appointment. So, thinking this is not happening now.

This sounds like a terrible idea. Your post/profile page don't fill in many details, but if your mom is raging and her adult children are considering placement, I would assume you are facing moderate dementia. Many PWD also have a condition called anosognosia which prevents them from being able to recognize how impaired they actually are. In their minds they are just fine and suggesting otherwise will feel like gaslighting. 

In a situation like this, it falls to the POA or guardian to make the decision to move mom by whatever means it takes. Does someone have a DPOA or springing POA?

For some families, this happens from a hospital after an accident or illness. For others a fiblet (therapeutic lie) is employed to move the PWD. If mom lives alone, the common ruse of having to move temporarily while a sewer main or termites are addressed could be an option. My dad revered physicians and was very focused on getting the best care for himself, so we moved him saying his doctor wanted him in this lovely upscale private rehab to get stronger. 

My dad was also a volatile individual. It was best not to signal the move ahead of time with him. The day of the move we told him he was seeing a new specialist for a second opinion. We decorated his suite at MC, to look more like a hotel room rather than fill it with familiar objects from home. 

My mom fights us on every appointment, several have been cancelled and some only attended by me and my siblings We realize she needs help beyond what we can offer.  My sibbing's and I have made arrangements for her next doctor appointment, this next appointment would determine if she is capable of living on her own. 

I'm confused. Are you expecting to sit down as a family at the doctor's office, lay out the situation at home and ask him/her to be the bad guy? Do you know that the doctor will go along with this plan? Have you discussed it with them? While some PCPs will suggest this to families, not all docs will do this. When I took dad to the state mandated pre-admission appointment, his doctor suggested he and mom could move into AL together. Oh hell no. Dad was talking about killing her while she slept-- he needed placement. 

The bottom line is that most family caregivers have a better sense of when placement would be appropriate than a PCP who sees her yearly would. 

We anticipate, we will not be able to get her to the appointment.  WHAT do we do if we cannot get her to go? 

You do whatever you need to do to get her there. A story about needing her Medicare Annual Wellness visit to re-enroll for next year. Perhaps she needs a refill for her BP medication and can't get it without a BP check from the nurse. Or maybe use some other concern.

If she is truly intractable, then you may need to wait for one of her raging episodes and have her transported to the area hospital with a geriatric psychiatry service for treatment, medication management and eventual transfer to MC from there. 

Cheri H.

Thank you all!  In response to the questions below;

My brother is POA and we are working to invoke.  With the support and advice of her doctor.  

Us siblings were hoping to discuss with mom moving into a facility, trying to avoid the fiblit.  However, rethinking based on the valuable input below and moms doctor.

Beauchene105

It is so hard having to be the parent. My mother has never liked going to the doctor. If my mother knows ahead of time we are going to the doctor, she will "be sick" that morning. So I've stopped telling her until a couple of minutes before we're leaving (like you would do with a small child).