The driving thing

Isac

Although my DH has been driving safely since he was diagnosed with MCI a few years ago he is beginning to exhibit some carelessness. We had the no driving discussion several months ago and he exploded. Although he has some driven some since the discussion to keep the peace (some of you know what that feels like), he insists on continuing to argue that I won't let him drive anymore. Today he brought it up again (not in a nice way) and I lost it. I gave him my keys to the car, took everything out of it that belonged to me and told him the car was his.

Although intellectually I know this is childish, not to mention dangerous, I'm also fighting with my emotional stability. Of course, he is flabbergasted. He has no idea why I'm so upset because he doesn't remember continuously arguing with me about the driving.

Tomorrow we see his neurologist and I will request his assistance with the driving issue. Today I needed to vent so that I can keep sane till tomorrow.

Thank you guys for your support.

Ed1937

There is nothing wrong with venting. It's somewhat healing. Here is a video from Teepa Snow about driving with dementia. Dementia and Driving - with Teepa Snow of Positive Approach to Care 

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M1

Isac, if you can, I would call the neurologist's office ahead of time and tell them you need help with this issue.  Or:  put your concerns in writing and give it to the receptionist when you check in.

Meanwhile:  You can't do this.  You could be sued for everything you have if he were to cause an accident.  could you live with yourself if he kills someone?  So as hard as it is, you have to stop him.  I know:  my partner threatened to pull a knife on me when I wouldn't give her the truck keys, so I absolutely know.  It's what put her in memory care.

mrahope

I am right where you are.  My DH was diagnosed with MCI in late 2020.  He just last week got lost in familiar surroundings (at night, to be fair).  I am also looking to neurologist to try and completely stop him from driving.  The dr ordered him to drive only in daylight, under normal weather conditions, and not on highways when we had our last appointment.  We've now had another round of testing, but can't get results or a dr visit on this until 12/12.  Very frustrating.

When we do discuss the issue, he's often very furious with me.  I try and keep deflecting from it and just go ahead and take the wheel anytime we go anywhere together.  He doesn't protest too often.  I think he may realize things are not going well somehow.

What worries me is that he sometimes will go out when I am out of the house or sleeping.  He's not in a place where I can tell him lies yet about the car, etc.  He sometimes says it ought to be up to the DMV whether he can drive or not.  I may go the route of having the dr report him.  In our state I believe that would trigger a revocation of his license and/or a test.    So hard that he realizes that he's impaired, but not enough to stop.  

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Isac

Thanks so so much for your replies. I hear each and everyone of you and I thank you for the time to respond. I have hope for moving forward with confidence and direction.

JulieB46

I had the letter written to our dmv. He got lost coming home from my sister’s house.  He still insisted he was fine driving, but more and more, I had to tell him where to turn.  He, unfortunately declined so quickly, he just couldn’t drive anymore.  I called our insurance guy and told him to take my DH off the policy as a driver.  He still asks to drive to this day— even though he would be unable— I just tell him he can’t cause he’s no longer insured.  It works every time and he gets into the passenger side.  Not happy with me, but what else is new?

PlentyQuiet

DH diagnosed with EOAD in the MCI stage November 2021. He was driving up until last August, but I was taking over more and more. He never got lost, nor had an accident (the major markers the Alz Association says to watch for). 

We went for a driving assessment with OT September 2022. He scored a 19 on the MoCA and had lags in the area of executive function. The OT very nicely was the fall guy for telling DH he was not able to drive anymore. We didn't even make to the part of the assessment where they check peripheral vision and reaction time.

One note about insurance: it would have caused my premiums to go up if I had taken DH off of the policy. The state we live in and the fact that we are married makes it cheaper to leave him on that remove. Check with your agent before making insurance decisions.