Transitioning to Caregiving Daughter

LadyTexan

Greetings all. Allow me to introduce myself.

Some of you may remember me from the Spouse Forum. I cared for my DH who had EOAD. DH died in April 2022 at the age of only 58. As you might expect, I am heartbroken beyond words. Somedays are harder than others. Somedays I question my sanity. Grief is real and it is a monster.

Since my DH died, I have been taking a more active role in caring for my 83 year young mother who has Alzheimer's. My 85 year young father is my mother's primary caregiver. I am one of their three living children. We all live in the same rural Texas town. 

This forum was a lifesaver for me when I was caring for DH. Now that I'm more active in my mother's care, I want to re-connect with other caregivers. I am learning that being a caregiver daughter is a very different dynamic than being a caregiver spouse. And I am a witness to if you've seen one person with Alzheimer's, you have seen one person with Alzheimer's. My dear mom's symptoms are not the same as my DH. Navigating the chaos is tricky too.

I regret that any of us have a need to be here. I am glad this supportive community and safe space exists to help us navigate this chaotic and unpredictable journey.

Quilting brings calm

LT -  I’m sorry you are in the situation of having to jump back into this deep pool of caregiving.  I’m sure your father appreciates the help.   Please be sure to take time for yourself.  6 months isn’t a long time to grieve and try to heal before exposing yourself to the dementia again.  I don’t want you to end up so emotionally and physically depleted that you become ill yourself. 

Are you and your siblings sharing the load?  Is one of you handling the bills, another going to medical appointments, Errands being shared, visits to the house rotated, etc? I ask about the bills and medical appointments because neither of my parents ( also in their 80s) can really handle the bills or remember what to tell the doctor or what the doctor said. They both use walkers, even though my step-dad refuses to use his if he leaves the AL facility.   There are more physical conditions to deal with, etc. 

Both my parents now have dementia, but their symptoms are different.  Mom’s is the typical form of stage 4 Alz,  while he exhibits paranoia and delusions.  Mom knows she has issues, he thinks he is fine. 

Something else to watch for - difficulties with siblings over who does what - or who is doing their share.  I know you had all you could handle with your spouse and I don’t know if your siblings feel like they need a break now. 

dayn2nite2

Oh. My. Gosh, I'm so sorry you're back in the thick of it.  You barely got a breather!

A positive is that your mom's presentation is different than your late DH's, so hopefully that means you are safe at least.

I know you will try to relieve your father of the burden of caregiving, but please don't do it at the expense of pushing your grief down to be dealt with later.  That's not fair to you, and I do encourage you to not rush in to do it all and just be one of THREE supports your father has.

What you might do is assist with getting a Plan B for your dad by scouting out potential care facilities in case one is needed due to fall or acute illness or either your mother or him?

M1

LT, SO glad to hear from you, though sorry you are facing yet another caregiver role.  I am sure you are not through processing your grief for your DH--don't know that you will ever be.  I'm curious, does it help to have tasks to focus on, or does it just feel overwhelming now?  I could see it cutting both ways.

Peace to you my friend, I have missed you on these boards.

FWIW, my parter is fixated on going back to Texas, to her tiny town.  Thank goodness we got to go to her 60th high school reunion in the fall of 2019, I wouldn't trade anything for that trip.  There's still two bumper stickers on her truck:  "I'm from Texas, what country are you from?"  and "Don't mess with Texas."   So I guess you're in God's country, as far as she's concerned.

toolbeltexpert

Lt you had said you were probably going to be doing more caregiving, it must be in your blood, doing good, caring for your family. I appreciate your posts. You hold the the trophy high and celebrate everyday. I continue my prayers for as many as I can remember and that list gets longer everyday. 

Stewart 

harshedbuzz

LT-

Welcome back to the fold. It's nice to hear from you but I am truly sorry for your reason for being here.

It is remarkable how, despite the overlap in symptoms and behaviors, dementia can look in any given individual. My dad, two of my aunts and a dear friend's mom all had dementia at the same time and I was struck more by the differences in their presentations than the similarities.

It's great that you and your sibs are able to be there for both your parents. It must be an adjustment to shift roles from primary decision maker to that of supporting your dad and finding consensus with siblings.

HB

ladyzetta

LadyT.

You're a blessing to many. Please take care of yourself. Hugs Zetta 

SusanB-dil

Hi Lady T -  So sorry for your loss.  Shifting gears and at it again. uuughhh!! 

'this' whole thing just bites.

Do make sure you are taking care of you.

GothicGremlin

Hi LadyTexan, I'm so sorry about the loss of your husband. I've read some of your posts on the spouse forum, he seemed like a wonderful person. I rarely post over there (only if the topic is fairly general) because the difference between having a spouse with dementia is so very different than caring for a parent or a sibling, and I want to be respectful of that.

It must be very difficult for you to jump right back in caring for your mom, while you're still processing your grief over your husband. I'm glad that you have siblings who can help with caring for your parents.

​fesk

Hi LT. I am sorry for the loss of your husband. I have also read some of your posts. I hope you are able to take care of yourself too while helping your mom now.