How to deal with my FIL feeling pushed out and lonely, and my bf's fear of abandoning his dad?

lake_disappointment

Hello my lovely people,

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I was just looking for some advice, especially from others who are in the same boat. x

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We are just awaiting a diagnosis on my FIL (cancelled twice) and have been making hopeful long term plans to manage his illness and us. My FIL is at a stage where he has forgotten who my boyfriend is a few times, has got lost in his two bed flat quite regularly. He dresses and bathes, but it is becoming more erratic (for example he wears tshirts inside out lol). My bf is preparing all his food. His dad loves going running at 4pm each day, but because he can never find the right house to come back to, so we often sit outside whilst he runs (albeit it is very brief). He is still kinda with it and understanding to my bf and I's need for some quality time, that I am pushing for more. Whenever I visit however, he is so excited to have someone new to chat to it is hard to escape! He is currently living with my bf.

We are trying to place him into either sheltered accommodation or a two bed ground floor place. He is on board with carers now, which we feel would give him a much better quality of life - someone to take him out for coffee and cake, go for walks by the seaside - he just loves to chat! And help him to make sure he eats and takes his meds, and to watch his runs. It is quite a lot to juggle whilst holding down a full time job and we realise it could well get harder. He met one carer and got on well with her, but my bf needs to fill out paperwork, and along with work and not sleeping well, I feel he is struggling to keep his head above the water!

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My FIL is also worrying that he is getting pushed out. For my bf to get a break over the last 6 months, he was taking his dad to my bf's brother's place, but it is quite far and they don't get on so well, so that is no longer a viable option. I think last time he stayed there, my SIL lost her temper and shouted at him for the first time, and so the dad is feeling like a burden. We've been trying to figure out a plan, and so with looking for a house, we found one for him across the road, but because there were steps to the bathroom we decided against it. Because we are chatting about having my FIL live elsewhere instead of across the road, he is feeling anxious that he won't be close by. He is also worried he is being pushed out. I have been asking for some quality time and a break booked in, and there is a 4 day window coming up in a month, but because the diagnosis is in a week, my bf is reluctant to book anything in incase his dad feels abandoned, especially so close to his diagnosis. I am just worried on the other side that my bf is feeling far too responsible for his dad and his dad's feelings. He has been chatting about when the dad does move out, of perhaps moving in with him for a bit so he doesn't feel abandoned. I am hoping with the diagnosis there will be chat of a long term sustainable plan - my bf is constantly exhausted. I am also hoping that once the carer comes it might lighten the load and my bf will feel less responsible, with his dad actually going out and having fun. Obviously us having a break and some quality time is on the backburner whilst we get the diagnosis out of the way.

I am wondering how can we mitigate my FIL's worry of being pushed out and his loneliness?? (He is also very fearful of being put in a home.)

Also if there is anything I can do or say to help with my bf's worry of abandoning his dad?

At the moment I am starting to feel pushed out myself, and don't know whether to even say this to FIL as he is apparently quite understanding still and get him on board with everyone having their own lives to maintain. Or if that will just be fuel to the fire. His dad is good fun! But by the end of the day my patience wears thin, especially as I do want some time alone with my bf, but it is very hard when he is living with my bf. I am trying to be understanding, as it is my bf's dad so obviously there is a much stronger emotional attachment than what I have. I am just keen for things to become easier, and in an ideal world, my bf's dad would have support of carers coming in regularly every day, and me and my bf could go and visit, have fun with his dad, but then we could relax knowing his dad has support and care, and we could have some more quality time (and space for my bf just to breathe.) I am just wondering if anyone had any advice to mitigate any fallout that might happen, with my FIL feeling anxious of being pushed out/put in a home etc. Thank you all for listening to me rant on if you made it this far - I really appreciate it! x

SusanB-dil

Hi lake_disappointment -  we are not quite in the same place, but MIL takes direction from her son way better than she does me. The more people, the more agitation. It makes for a rather strange set-up sometimes, but we do what we gotta, I guess.  And yes - takes much patience - sometimes it seems more than we have, but we never yell at her. It isn't 'her', but the disease, and realizing this helps. 

Are DPOA and HIPPA papers in place? very important.

Is there a day-center nearby where his dad could go, even if just a few times a week?  that may help give bf a needed break. Must take care of self... 

bf and his dad are fortunate to have you in their corner and being so understanding.

Iris L.

lake_disappointment wrote:

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I am wondering how can we mitigate my FIL's worry of being pushed out and his loneliness?? (He is also very fearful of being put in a home.)

A brief answer: try to find a companion for your FIL who can go for walks, engage in activities, and so forth.  A day care center is a good idea also.

Iris

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