getting help when it is not wanted

helplessdaughter27

So I've been caring for both of my parents (dad- Alz and Dementia) and (mom- lung disease).  We live next door and have cameras in the house.  We lost mom 4 weeks ago.  Dad wants to be home alone.  I'm okay with this with the cameras and us being back and forth many times per day.  My issue is now is we have some family vacations coming up.  He does NOT want caregivers.  He does not think he needs them.  I'm scared that he would be mean to them.  But, I do not feel comfortable not being right next door without someone there to help him.  Has anyone been in this situation?

My brother and other family are ready to put him in a home.  However, I am the one here everyday and he does NOT want to leave, so that is NOT an option for me now.  There will be some days where he knows me and my kids and is okay (ish).  But there are other days where he doesn't remember "his bride" is dead and can't figure out how to get back into his house from my house 5 feet away.

Any and all insights are appreciated.  

mommyandme (m&m)

welcome, sorry you need to be here though. Sorry for the loss of your mom too… so hard. 

Do you have all the legal paperwork in order, POAs etc… If so maybe you could tell him since he’s asked for your partnership in his care, he’ll either need to accept in home care or he’ll need to go to a facility for the duration of your trip.  Not knowing you and yours, of course this could be way off the mark.  Sorry if so.  

Do you have other family or friends that can stop by a couple/few times a day, even a neighbor?  If you included those close to you that might help with the ability to check him on the camera, that may be helpful.  Relaxing and enjoying your vacation may be futile if you’re checking often and/or worried. We did long distance caregiving for my mom, which in a way you will be doing while on vacation.  It’s very difficult to manage a service’s help because sometimes they wouldn’t show etc.. I was then having to call family, friends and neighbors anyway.  We used cameras too, great addition to the care plan which you know.  I hope either he can go somewhere or you get close family ties in to stop by and help if needed. 

Just another thought: maybe you could hire a house sitter for your home with the added duties of checking on your dad.  You could tell your dad it’s someone that needs hours with helping an elderly person for their “certification” or community service hours.  Something like that?  Or just any other fiblet that might pacify his issues with someone being around.  

SusanB-dil

hi helplessdaughter27 - welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason.

first of all - I am so sorry for the loss of mom. That's always so hard to deal with, let alone also caring for dad. Whew! that's a lot on your plate.

Sounds like dad has anosognosia. It is not denial, but rather, the firm belief that nothing is wrong.  

A couple things come to mind - is DPOA and HIPAA paperwork in place? very important.  Also - are you sure he is ok by himself, protected from scammers, nothing left on the stove, wandering, and a myriad of other things.  I know the cameras are in place, but so much can happen in an instant.    As far as caregivers, most folks go with fiblets. 'they are here because they need some hours in, so dad, you are helping them out' 'they are here to get some time in to get their certification'.  whatever may work.  Is he on any meds for agitation in order that he would not be mean to any caregivers?  Or is there any place that may take him for possibly a week or so, so you can get a break?

rule #1: do not argue with a person with dementia, it will only aggravate them, and frustrate everyone.  also rule #1: must take care of yourself.  and do have that important paperwork in place.

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