Dinner, the battle ground

Lizzielou

I try to make simple meals that I can “hold” for an hour or so when DH won’t come to the table but it is getting so frustrating.  Tonight I finally took the TV controller away from him . Then he will eat 3 or 4 bites and start to clean up.  When he is all done cleaning up he will come back to the table and eat more of his now cold dinner.  He has FTD, approximately stage 5-6. He is loosing weight and is so OCD that I can’t set the table without him taking the plates back to the cupboard “where they belong”. 

Does anyone have a suggestion how to get him to come to the dinner table,  get him to stay there and eat something?

Quilting brings calm

I’d stop arguing about it.  Buy him a TV tray or sofa  table,  Put a towel or two on the floor under it to catch dropped food.  Let him eat his meal in front of the TV.

M1

I think I agree with QBC on this one Lizzie.  Sad for you:  is it hard to make a change because eating together  at the table was something you all still did together?  Letting him eat in front of the TV is thus another loss of normalcy and togetherness for you.  But it sounds like, in fact, it is already gone.  Might be worth an experiment and see if you think he gets more calories in if you let him eat in front of the TV.

Ed1937

Make it easier on yourself, and let it go. Eating in front of the TV is better than trying to convince him to eat at the table. Whenever you think there is a problem like that, ask yourself if it really makes him unsafe or unhappy. If the answer is no, then the battle probably is not worth fighting. He doesn't want to comb his hair in the morning? It doesn't hurt anything. Not worth the fight. He wants to wear a checkered shirt and plaid PJs around the house? That's not a battle you want either. Pick your battles wisely.

Pat6177

Will he eat in front of the tv? Or is his OCD going to prevent him from eating somewhere other than the table? Maybe try giving him frequent snacks throughout the day? Does he like nuts? They’re nutritious, high calorie and easy to eat. Sliced fruit? Raw vegetables? Maybe a hot meal doesn’t matter to him? It does sound like coming to the dinner table triggers certain behaviors so a change from your standard meal at the dinner table might help.

harshedbuzz

At a certain point, the goal is simply calories in.

Does he actually have OCD or is this an anxiety driven manifestation of his dementia? Are you addressing this with a medication? Something to dial this back might help you both.

I don't think my dad ate an actual meal at the table for the last 5 or so years of his life. He might eat better for you if you let him eat in front of the TV. He might do better if you offered foods that can be eaten without utensils-- think sandwiches, chicken nuggets, heavy apps, meat and cheese trays with fruits, veggies and nuts. You can also add things like Ensure or ice cream to limit his weight loss.

Lizzielou

Thank you all for your excellent suggestions.  This morning I gave him breakfast on a tray in his chair and he ate it all!  I will do it again at lunch and dinner.  I was reluctant to let him eat there because he spends soooooo much time watching TV.  His feet are swelling and he get no exercise.  He even sleeps the night in his chair. I tried to get him to a doctor and had to go to urgent care because he has no primary care physician but the wait was over 45 minutes and he refused to stay.  Just walked out.  He’s totally non-cooperative.

M1

So many things can cause leg swelling Lizzie--the lack of movement, heart failure (wouldn't chase that one), even low protein levels.  If you get more calories in him, would be interesting to see if that improves.

You are doing the best you can in an impossible situation.  Seems like at some point, something will happen and you will probably have to have him transported to the emergency room by ambulance.  If that's what happens, don't worry about it, just go with it.  At that point you can say, justifiably, that you can't care for him at home because it's not safe for either one of you.

JeremyBeer

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nancyj194

Our family always ate at the dinner table. My husband and I continued to eat at the table long after the children were grown and gone.

When it became an issue of DH slowly eating his food and I was long finished, I decided to make an executive decision and eat in front of the TV. We have been doing this for around two years.  

On our cable service, I can have a fireplace scene play during dinner. DH enjoys this, as I do and so we eat dinner by the fire each evening.  It is lovely. 

N

Joydean

Letting dh eat his meals while watching tv is about the only way to get him to actually eat a good meal. I don’t worry too much about him dropping food because our little dog sits very patiently by his chair. Have to admit our dog is gaining weight and doesn’t like to eat her own food now.