Moms “man-friend”

luv2bcntry

My 82 yo mom was recently diagnosed with mci. But the drs and I believed then there was more to it. Mom wasn’t taking her medication correctly so we have corrected that now. I have no doubt we will get the official diagnosis on next visit and believe it’s much farther advanced . My mom has a man friend, and since I had to take over lots of things for her, I have learned she has almost spend every penny she had on him. My mom has always been meticulous about her spending. Well apparently several years ago she chucked that out the window. She didn’t pay her own bills but paid his, bought him a truck, a lake house, a side x side and pays all the bills for them. I have personally never cared for him, because he is not the type of person I like to be around. (Think loud, opinionated, politically incorrect, and just an unpleasant person.) My biggest issue with mom, is stopping the money spent on him. I feel like he is manipulating her, and causing our problems. Mom gets vicious, upset, and all the other defensive signs of dementia about him. She understands why I control her money now, until he calls. Then we spend hours going over it again and she is great, until he calls. Him and I have had words and I can’t get him to leave her alone, nor can I get her to leave him alone. I don’t really know how to get this under control. But it’s causing things to be so hard on her, which makes it harder on me. She wants to fight me, makes all kinds of wild threats, then gets upset when she realizes what she is doing. 

Sorry to ramble but I am at my wits end on how to get him out of moms life without traumatizing her anymore…any help would be appreciated. Thanks for your time. (Excuse grammar or spelling mistakes my brain is tired…lol)

Mint

Oh boy I deal with a similar issue also. My mother, 86, asked a man she did not know to marry her twice.  So sad she talked about it like a giddy little school girl. He did not not take her up on her offer and has not taken money, so far.  Do feel though that he may enjoy pulling her chain as one neighbor man told me he did.   Several neighbors have allowed her to spend quite a bit of money on them including one she bought a truck for.  She has several men she calls and asks them to come over and I’m pretty amazed at how many do this.  So far always men she has previously hired to do things around house.  One of them told me she likes men’s attention.  Them giving her attention has made it easier on me in some ways and harder in others.

My mom cooks enough to feed herself, keeps house fairly well, walks all over neighborhood sharing apples etc. with the neighbors.  Some have told her not to come back but some have tolerated her for years.  This has went on a long time.  I have had to take care of her bank account for a lot of years.

 I do have DPOA so I went to bank and had a flag put on her account with the name of guy who bought truck.  If he brings a check in to be cashed they will call me before cashing it.  I also talked with the guy and told him you can take no more money.  If you have DPOA you could check with bank and see if you could do something like this.  Now if he went to a different bank he could cash it since there would not be no flag there.  He has not taken any more money and it has been several years now.  I have made contact with each man I am aware of, so far have always been able to find a way to reach them since most have their own business.  Basically let them know without being accusatory that I’m here, let them know I own the home and what my expectations are as the home owner.  Have not felt any of them have done anything wrong.  Just want them to be aware a pair of eyes are watching them and legally my house.

Hope you can find a way to deal with it.  Don’t know if any of this will help you or not.  Seems in your case just one person and his intentions may not be good.  In my case many people and think majority have good intentions and she is more the one trying to manipulate them to be there for her.  Think it makes her feel less vulnerable.  I understand that and possibly that is also true with your mom.  Even though he may be using her she feels less less vulnerable as a man is available.  As challenging and hard this disease is on us  it is also very hard and challenging for them.  Tell people it is hard on both of us.  Always say I wished I had a 6’2 250 lb brother

Take care

[Deleted User]

The user and all related content has been deleted.

M1

Welcome to the forum luv2bcntry.  Sounds like this may be a hair on fire situation, Sayra's experience is very relevant and there are many other stories here of people who have had major financial disasters.  Sounds like you need to talk to an attorney and her doc sooner rather than later about getting POA if you don't already have it, and it doesn't sound like you do.  If she won't agree to POA, you may have to pursue guardianship; the attorney can also advise you on that.  Certified elder law attorneys can be found by location at nelf.org.  

If she spends all her money on this guy, how are you going to pay for care if she needs it later?  Is she qualified for Medicaid?  The attorney can also address that.  Good luck.

[Deleted User]

The user and all related content has been deleted.

MN Chickadee

Run don't walk to an elder law attorney. You need legal advice and representation to get this under control. And don't bother reasoning with your mom, likely you will need to use therapeutic fibs and work behind the scenes. (Once you have the legal authority -  stuff like using the POA to change the mailing address on all financial accounts, managing all her finances on line unbeknownst to her, changing credit card and bank account numbers, freezing her credit so no one can take out a loan in her name, all while using therapeutic fibs with her to smooth it over. I'm not sure why that card doesn't work, I will look into it soon etc.) Seems possible once this guy hears you have an attorney and the cash flow is cut off he will lose interest and move on. He likely has no interest in having a relationship with or caring for a person with dementia.