Seeing changes

Anna2022

My brilliant husband had trouble making the bed this morning - a task he has always enjoyed and performed upon rising. It took him 1/2 hour.  He gets agitated if I try to help, so I stayed away. He has been having trouble with his computer lately too,  forgetting passwords and getting agitated with it all.  We have an appointment with the lawyers to sign updated wills and POAs on Thursday this week. That appointment can't come soon enough.

Pathfinder52

Dear Anna --

Yes, familiar tasks can fall away quickly.

We went through a period when at least weekly, something he'd been able to do became mine to manage just because the familiar was rapidly becoming foreign.

Now is a good time to begin to think about your "enough" -- things won't be as they have in the past and you need to figure out what's good enough, complete enough, thorough enough for your own expectations, because his abilities will continue to fall short of previous functioning.

Often it is our own expectations ("Why can't he make the bed!?!?!") that make us miserable.  Learning to let go (make the bed later, when he's out of the bedroom) and find a new acceptance of his increasing limitations will make you happier as things progress.

Good that you're seeing the lawyer soon.  Get those decisions managed before his ability to decide/agree is being questioned.  You need to be legally in charge of anything that allows you to manage your lives and livelihood -- money, health, housing, assets, etc.

Wishing you all the best,

--p

Ed1937

Anna, that is an excellent post above. One thing I'd like to suggest is that you have someone other than him as your POA, if you haven't already thought about that.

Anna2022

Thank you, Pathfinder! The concept of "good enough" is a good one. I think I get it in the abstract, however....We just had a robust discussion about why DH can't wear shorts and sandals outside today - it's too cold. Am I nuts for asking him to wear pants and socks? (He refused and said he's never going outside again if he can't wear his shorts and sandals). Or, is this a battle that's not worth having?

Anna2022

Ed, thanks for the suggestion! I am avoiding an argument right now by not suggesting someone else as my POA. In awhile in the future, I will pay to have my POA redone and changed from him to someone else.

M1

Anna, I had to do this too, and just went to an attorney and d had my POA's changed in private, never did tell my partner as her feelings would have been hurt.  But:  you need to do it sooner rather than later, in the event that something unexpected happened (ie you get hit by a bus).  You might think about emailing the attorney and letting him know this, if you haven't already; and while you can sign the documents with your spouse next week, make another appointment by yourself to have yours changed.  They might even give you a discount if you do this now, as opposed to having to pay the full fee again later.  Will your husband read your documents in detail?  Maybe it can be done such that he never knows.  

Deception is hard to get used to, but most of us end up doing it out of kindness, to keep the peace and bring comfort.

Anna2022

M1 - Your suggestions are excellent. I will talk to the attorney and get a second version for me drafted as soon as possible. Thank you!

Gig Harbor

Talk to the attorney ahead of time and have him do two. One with your husband and one with the real person you want. Casually sign both but later destroy the one your husband signed. He likely will never know.

Ed1937

I'm with Gig on this one. FWIW, my wife was very much "with it" when we went to see the CELA. She was in early progression. He already knew that I wanted our daughter as my POA. This was all done with one visit, instead of having to do it twice. If nothing else, let them know what you want for your POA.

saltom

We also had my DH's name taken off the safety deposit box and our daughter's added. DH had to agree but was happy to do it. We also had our daughter's name added as a trustee to the trust and put on the checking and savings account. So far she has not had to do anything with any of the finances, but it is reassuring to know she can if something should happen to me.

Anna2022

Thanks Ed and Saltom - good suggestions!

M5M

Thanks for the reminders from all of you! We have CELA appt next week and am thinking I will make a list of items for the atty that I want addressed privately… changing POA and adding a person for financial access. I’ll casually hand the list to atty along with, say, list of beneficiaries and address. Going to mark my requests as “confidential “ and “Private”