To tell or not to tell(3)

CorinasDaughter

Hello, thank you for reading this and would appreciate any feedback.

My mom was diagnosed with dementia approximately 4 years ago.  Her memory loss is primarily short term so we have multiple conversations of the same thing.  It has gotten worse and worse with the situation we all dealt with covid lockdowns, etc.  She is still at home, with my dad and he is her primary care giver.

My aunt was diagnosed with dementia also approximately 12 years ago.  At the beginning, my mom was very involved in the care of my aunt and helping place her in assisted living.  With then visiting very regularly.  As the years went on any my mom's diagnosis was more apparent and she went less and less to see my aunt.  It would take her days to recover from her depression and soon she stopped going.  After years of this battle last week my aunt is no longer eating, drinking or taking her medicine. 

My question is...at the time of my aunts passing...do we tell my mom this information with the acknowledgement that she will deep dive into a deep depression and then most likely not remember that conversation so we'll have to do it again if she asks.  OR not say anything at this point.  Both scenarios are just terrible...the whole thing is terrible.  The family is split down the middle on this and hoping for some perspective on this.  

Sending many thanks 

HSDaughter

Corina's Daughter,

I had a very similar situation, as my mother had Power of Attorney, with me as back up, for her twin sister.  She too had placed her twin sister in assisted living, but as the years passed, my mother herself was struggling as a result of Alzheimer's.  I stopped taking my mother to visit her sister when it seemed to upset my mother more that her sister was unable to respond to conversations.  The twin sister passed away about 8 months before my mother.  By that time, my mother had not visited her for about two years, though I visited each one weekly.  I did not tell my mother.  By that time, my mother was in a skilled nursing unit, and had had a stroke.  Just not much point in passing on bad news that would not be remembered.  One caveat though.  If you place an obituary notice in a newspaper that your mother might see, you could either suspend the paper delivery for a few days, or be with her just in case she does see it.  And if old friends and neighbors might send a sympathy card, you have to intercept that too.  

SusanB-dil

Hi CorinasDaughter - welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason.

I agree with HSDaughter - I don't see any benefit in telling your mom, and also to intercepting any information about it.  If your mom hasn't asked, nor been by to see her in so long, I would resort to whatever fiblet works best. Perhaps 'We will maybe think about seeing her next week' or 'She isn't feeling that great right now, so we will wait until she feels better'.  

Regina312

I'm sorry for your struggles.  None of this is easy and it will only get harder.  Only you know what is best for you and your family, but in the case of my Mom, she remembered so very little and eventually remembered no one.  I elected to tell my Mom only positive things and stories, just to keep her engaged in as much conversation as possible.  My Mom did not know who I was anymore. I don't know who she thought I was.  So sad.  However for some reason, she remembered she had a daughter though and would talk to me about me.  It was heartbreaking. I  There was no more sense in trying to tell her who I was.  She just didn't know.  So when someone in the family, or family friend, would pass, I didn't see the need to share that with her. If, on that rare occasion, she remembered someone, I simply told her that person was doing well and relocated far away.  I wish you all the best.

Wilted Daughter

This is one of life's/disease' hard choices. I believe you will know what to do when the time comes. There is no need to plan anything one way or the other. Ponder this:

If she asks tell her in a soft/gentle manner...talk about how peaceful it was and how she's at rest/peace now...whatever you feel comfortable saying. Keep in short and simple and past or present tense depending on her at the time of the discussion.

If she asks again just repeat...

If she doesn't ask, don't bring it up

I dread these types of discussions, because you may inform in the best method possible but can't control how they will respond, if they understand or will remember.

Whatever you decide, I'm sure it will be thoughtful and based upon the best decision you could make at the time. There is no right or wrong answer...do what your heart leads you to do/say.

Best wishes

zauberflote

My mother was the last remaining living of her generation, and thankfully remembered that they were all gone. All except one. She kept asking where her cousin "Golden" was, although I'm pretty sure she attended his funeral. I didn't want to upset her, so I'd tell her, perfectly truthfully, that I didn't know where he was, but I bet my sister would and I'd ask her. Meanwhile, remember this or that about Golden? That prompt actually got out of her, numerous times, a very sweet high school prom "not a wallflower any more!" story which we had never heard before! I told Golden's daughter the story, and she loved it too. 

I am forever grateful that I only ever had to tell Mom of my MIL's death, but Mom understood it and had little connection with her anyway. If Mom had been beyond it, I wouldn't have told her, and if asked how Martha was doing, would have told a real whopper....