Realization(1)

Buggsroo

I have seen three homes and they are all nice. The staff is caring and the premises are very clean. The residents seem very happy as well. What my realization is that my mindset has had to change. I always saw long term care homes as death incorporated and swore I would never commit someone in one of those places. Well, I was totally wrong. I was looking at the homes from the standpoint of myself going into one.

Now I have changed my view, I am looking at the homes from the viewpoint of my husband. He needs cheerful staff to look after him, joke with him, hold his hand if need be. He needs other people to laugh with, to make sure he is comfortable. I have done what I can, now it’s time for the professionals or as my dad would say: the A team. 

I am comfortable now with him going into one of the homes. I realize I can’t do it all.

I plan to see one more home and look into a couple of homes online, as there is Covid in some of them. I am ready.

billS

Buggs you are exactly right. I made the tough decision to place my wife 10 months ago and it has proven to be the right choice. She adapted quickly and is happy there, surrounded by loving and caring staff and enjoying the company of other residents. I visit every other day to monitor her care and express thanks to the staff, which I think makes them all the more conscientious in caring for my wife. Meanwhile I can now get uninterrupted sleep and keep up with work at home, something that was impossible when my wife was home. Yes I miss her terribly and think about her often every day. Of course I would much prefer to have the pre-dementia woman I love home with me, but both our lives are clearly better now. You can't go back to what is no longer there. Best wishes to you.

Joe C.

Buggsro, Good luck as you move forward with placement. I can echo Bill’s experience with placement. DW is much happier at MC than she was at home due to the engagement & socialization.

Paris20

Buggsroo, you’re right. My husband is in a facility that is comprised of four old mansions converted into home-like residences. My husband is in the skilled nursing unit because not only does he have AD but he also had a stroke. We had to consider our options, fast. Fortunately there was a room available in the best place in town. The grounds are beautiful, the food is great, and the staff is well trained. The only problem is that there aren’t enough of them. That is my biggest complaint. Looking at the work they have to do, I’m amazed that anyone would do it, but I’m very grateful they do. My husband thinks he’s home and I don’t try to convince him otherwise.

Jeff86

Great to read about your mind shift, Buggsroo.  When it becomes time for placement, we have to view it as best and right for our LO, and not as a failure or limitation of our caregiving capabilities.  Good luck with the placement.

White Crane

Buggsroo, I'm glad you have come to a place of peace about placing your LO.  My DH is not ready for placement yet but I have a nice MC picked out and feel at peace knowing he would be well cared for when the time comes.

Ed1937

Buggs, it's great that you are thinking about it like you are. That makes it much easier for placement. Wishing you the best.

Beachfan

Buggs,

Best of luck as you move forward with eventual placement.  One important  thing to keep in mind: placement is as much for you as it is for your DH.  Once your DH is comfortably settled and you have started to become acclimated to your (and his) new lifestyle, you may be surprised at the sense of calm and contentment that you experience.  You deserve this!  You have gone above and beyond in caring for your DH and keeping him at home.  Best wishes. 

toolbeltexpert

Very well put Buggs. The mc where my Dw is, is a place I had visited as a pastor for 8 years. I used to tell everyone DW included if anything happened to me and I needed to be placed, this was where I wanted to go. Never really thought about that till recently I remind myself of that. Great food, caring people, safe and secure. No not perfect, but good.

Sounds like your homing in on a great place glad to hear.

Stewart

Gig Harbor

Good for you Buggs for making the decision to move forward. Once you place him the worst memories will fade and the good memories will become stronger. You may start to feel guilty and wonder if you did the right thing. With the horrendous events you have dealt with I am amazed you have held out this long. I know you have a great sense of humor and hopefully will take this the right way - take pictures of some of his poop issues etc so when the days of doubt creep in you will remember and know you did exactly the right thing. Good luck!

Buggsroo

Thank you all. I appreciate the support. The last few days he had a stomach bug and threw up as well as pooing everywhere. So honestly I am ready. Oddly enough I will miss the intensity of the caring but I want him to be cared for by professionals. Luckily he is back to eating and demanding his dinner every few minutes. I am relieved.

saltom

Thank you for your posting. I have been thinking about MC for my DH as something that might be good for both of us.  I'm still getting our long term care insurance cleared then MC will be much more of an option. These postings really help me look at the caregiving and dementia more realistically, and again I thank all of you for your thoughts and posts.

Dio

Buggs, good for you! I know I'll have no trouble placing my DH. It's just a matter of finding the right place at a sustainable price. After witnessing his reactions lately, I've come to the conclusion that he can't be happy living carefree. He's only comfortable when he's in a state of worry and anxiety. That's how he's been his whole life. His cousin tried to warn me about him being a worrywart, but I didn't realize the severity of his condition until after I married him. Now that the new medication seems to bring a little clarity into his cognition, the negative side of him is showing up in full force, too. Nothing I do for him to increase his comfort is duly appreciated. For example, he's lost a lot of weight and was constantly complaining about how baggy his clothes are. So I purchased some smaller size clothing for the winter. Each time an item arrives, he'd say "why did you buy that? you didn't have to do that ... there's no room to put all this stuff in ... what are you doing to me?" Same scenario when I take out garbage, or cook or clean or anything. He also has disengaged from all activities that I tried to introduce him to: paint-by-numbers, jigsaw puzzles, relaxing music, spiritual books, even watching feel good tv shows/movies is too "confusing" so he's stopped doing that as well. He can't operate the computer or smartphone anymore, so these toys that were once so dear to him have become obsolete. He will still go out to eat or take walks, but not without a long list of complaints. A dear friend calls nightly to do guided meditation with him over the phone while I turn on the music. At first, he was ok and showed much appreciation, but lately he finds it annoying. Heaven help me!