He doesn't believe what he's told

Katie Roo

Yall, I'm struggling with this.  DH does not believe anything hea told.  If one of our girls says she is doing A because of X, he thinks there's an alternate reason.  The news just gave a number of $5800 and he says they misquotes that amount bc it was much higher.  If I say something, he responds with "as smart as you are, I cannot believe you see it that way."  I swear, every conversation is a challenge bc he sees it differently.  He sees the negative in most everything and is so cynical about motives.    Is this an effect of the dementia? We have always seen things differently, but not this much of a challenge.  

And I am so glad to have this forum.  It is helpful reading what other people experience and much appreciated the advice and support.  

Ed1937

I know this is easier said than done, but just say "Yes, we all see things in our own way, and sometimes differently". If what he is doing is not hurting anything, or making something unsafe, just let it go. Come up with your own wording. You can learn to do that, and it will make it easier when you do.

PookieBlue

I say and do anything to keep the peace. I’ve learned that he is always right and I just go with it. I know many of the triggers which will result in an obsessed outburst which he will usually apologize for but won’t remember what it was. I used to think I was intelligent, but since I’m always wrong now I can hang my head in shame and sink into my alternate reality.

M1

It's an extremely difficult lesson to learn not to respond or to just hold your tongue Katie.  It distances you from your DH even more, but that's what happens, this is why you "lose them before you lose them."  The relationship changes enormously, and you no longer have mutuality.  I think it's a natural thing to want to explain yourself or justify your views to someone you're close to--but that has to go by the wayside with this disease.  So sad and hard.  But the sooner you get there, the better off you will be.  The sad thing is you will no longer turn to your partner for support, you'll end up turning to other people--like on this forum.  Not ever the same, but we all need to get support somewhere.

prov1kenobi

This is an amazing forum. We are all experiencing the same things. The more I read about this disease, the more I realize that I am not alone. Just tonight I read a post on Facebook regarding a 79 year old man, who took his car and his dog out for a ride aroung 6:30 pm, bought some gas, and drove off to parts unknown. this is serious where we live because the temp outside is going to be around 10 above tonight. ( this is warm for those of us who choose to live in the middle of Alaska ), but cold enough for somebody to freeze to death if they go off the road in the middle of nowhere. my brother cannot drive due to dementia, but he is obsessed with finding his keys so he can drive off into never never land. my brother also lives in his house, but he thinks he doesnt live here. ( my wife and I are his caretakers ). it is a strange disease.  am glad we are all building this little family so we can feel a little better about things

toolbeltexpert

Not trying to compare my dw situation, she can't remember I have visited and when the aides tell her I have, she thinks their lying. They try all the strategies and tell her I am going to be there first in the morning with coffee. But until she totally forgets me this is gonna happen. Not visiting is not an option for me. I will do the best I can for her.

Jo C.

Hello Katie; M1's response is excellent.  Wish I had that experiential wisdom for my reading early on when facing such dynamics.   My first response when new to dementia was to use logic; to point out the actual facts; sometimes to argue a point to try and indicate things were different.  It was at first quite confounding.  I didn't know what I didn't know.

When new on the dementia caregiver learning curve, it is true; we don't know what we don't know and hopefully we learn as we go along, flying by the seat of our pants.  Discovering this wonderful supportive place was very helpful in teaching me and giving me insight.

To point out, to argue a point, to show frustration with such items, etc. will only garner negatives.  Our Loved Ones (LOs) brains have been deeply affected; damaged, and they can no longer process logic, facts or factual problem solving as they used to be able to do. Their reality is their absolute reality as solid as the chair you are sitting on, and nothing we say or do can change that.   Our LOs can no longer utilize logic or clarity - they no longer operate in our world reality, so we learn that we must often enter theirs and learn to let go.

I developed; "I understand," or, "That is really interesting," etc. and then refocus onto something else to change the topic.   If it was something that could be potentially causing a negative, I learned to abruptly and energetically change the topic to refocus what was churning in my LO's mind at the time. Some things needing doing got done when they were sleeping or otherwise out of sight of the issue being managed.

You are striving to find steadier ground; when our LO is very high functioning and seeming much like their old selves in many ways, it is often difficult for us to fathom or to process the invisible changes within our LOs brain.  We begin to climb the learning ladder and that is what you are in the process of doing.  Certainly not always comfortable, especially if one is a logical thinker with value on honesty, but we sure do learn and such changes in our supportive dynamics do not cost us a single penny and it is by far for the best.  You are like all of us when we began this journey; you are climbing that learning ladder and will do fine.  Thankfully we have this caring place of support and we sure do all understand.

With warm thoughts being sent your way,

J.

Kittyfern

Thank you Jo.  I am here for the first time and your comments were very helpful.

John_inFlorida

I used to try logic as well. It never works. I read a paper on memory, sorry I cant recall where I found it. But it talked about how immediate, short, and long term memory works. And how in some cases people with dementia "remember" things that are not true. That is what happens to my DW. If it's in their memory you cant reason with them because they really think they remember.

Still hard accepting and not saying anything when you know they are clearly wrong. 

PookieBlue

John in Florida,

My husband tells me he met Ben Carson in a bar. (I was a Ben Carson supporter 2015). It did me no good to try to convince him that that encounter never happened. He still occasionally brings up that false memory. I just tell him I’m jealous.

John_inFlorida

Haven't had her thinking either of us met anyone that we didn't yet. Something to look forward too I guess

Mostly for DW it's conversations that we didn't have. Sometimes its funny when her memories are stuck like that. I asked her once, didn't she believe what I was telling her, she said she did, just that I was wrong

Davegrant

Thanks to all for this post as it hits me where I am recently. I start the day at this site and remind myself of the characteristics of this disease. Then DW gets up and the negativity begins to suck the life out of me. I will try again today to practice what I learn. Yesterday I said to myself "its the disease" My emotions don't always believe me. Yesterday she asked me 2o times "who is coming over today?'  Around evening she started on who is coming tomorrow? This never ends. 

Knowing others have the same frustrations does help and logically it is ok but she is so negative and the one person who does come over , a granddaughter who is in a very tough situation with her 2 month old  , the wife will say " Why is she coming over? . I think she resents her because she trusts me more with the baby  and my attention to the baby distracts me from her. She wants my attention 24 hours a day.  The other children do come over but my wife's expectations are still too great to be realistic. 

I believe that she needs something to do and I tried day care but she didn't like that and told the director that she can do puzzles at home. 

I needed to write this today to get it out of my head and on paper. The reponses are so true and I will hang on to each of them. 

Dave

Gig Harbor

Dave my husband is in a memory care that has lots of activities but he doesn’t want to do any of them. He will listen to music and go for rides but definitely does not want to do crafts. He sits and looks bored much of the time.

Stella Luna

This is such an amazing post and replies, it is such an important skill to deal with dementia. I have taped videos of my interactions with my DH when he is insisting that I took his things, his money etc. instead of keeping calm, taking a deep breath and redirecting him, I raise my voice and escalate the altercation. We end up with a complete meltdown. I have to learn to let go of the “truth” ,stay calm and redirect when possible.

PookieBlue

Gig Harbor,

I care for my DH in our home, and I know he would never participate in any activity in a MC facility. He is the most introverted person I’ve ever met. He may like the music, but his only lifetime hobby of enjoying his sports cars has been minimal to non existent for 4 or 5 years now. I keep him on a fairly structured routine which helps keep the peace. He is totally dependent on me. He is losing a grip on more things now which breaks my heart. The struggles continue in our parallel worlds.

PookieBlue

Stella Luna,

I’ve found the lesson of de-escalation the most helpful of all the lessons. I am familiar with most of the triggers that will immediately escalate depending on how I respond to it. I’ve learned to redirect him to his more gentle personality. If I am unable to do so, I go in to another room and wait for him to work himself out of it. I realize that this the coping method now, but things can change very fast which precipitates me to figure out how I can best adjust to the challenging days.