Deeply Saddened

riajean

  Hello everyone.  Trying to get through yet one more f'n holiday season, pretending, dressing my table, buying fixings for Turkey Day, readying guest rooms for my sister and aunt and then sobbing all night missing my poor, dear husband who's in long-term care.

He contracted Covid at MC in mid September; fell (again) and split his head prompting yet one more ambulance ride to the ER, this time at a different hospital asked for by me.  This time the social worker in the ER said, "we're not returning him to MC due to his balance being way off, his walking severely compromised".  And more.  They set him for PT, but his responsiveness was not good, not understanding most of what the team was trying to get him to do to regain some strength and walk.

He no longer walks.  He no longer feeds himself.  He's bedbound.  All this from walking (incessantly) and talking in sentences just over a year ago.  Placed him over a year ago as keeping him at home, trying to work, training home health care aides and more sent me over the edge.  Declined dramatically in 3 months and now this.

I'm so terribly, terribly sad.  Nightmares of our over 8 years dealing with this devastating disease, all the changes, all the loss and now he's bedbound.  I miss my dear, dear husband, wishing we had more time together, though he still seems to know who I am, I'm devastated.  Hospice did an evaluation 2 weeks ago, and admitted him that day.  Though he's in long-term care in a facility, Hospice is on board.  I now question how much longer.  After a weight loss of 30 lbs in one month, becoming bedbound, I"m wondering how much longer my DH can really hang on.

While the holidays can bring joy, I'm so sad and devastated.  Don't know how to get through yet one more year of his absence.  He's the ONLY man I've ever loved.  We've had 34 years of marriage, his 3, and our 2 kids; his grandkids and now such emptiness with no one around.  He's who I miss most.  Love of my live and I'm only 66.  He's 69.  Such loneliness.  Saddened for all of us who have to deal yet again with this ---- time of year.  How do you get through?  How do you "WAIT" for someone to die?  How do you deal with real life and imaginary life, attempting something "normal" when nothing is normal?  What do you do to cope?

Help.!!

Jgirl57

Hugs to you. Hopefully others who have been

Where you are will be able to give you words of comfort.

I hate this disease and the devastating pain for all involved.

Stuck in the middle

This is a depressing time of year for a lot of people, even people who aren't facing devastating loss.  You are far from being alone in feeling down.

I try to cope by working on my health (diet, exercise, etc.), getting as much sun as I can in these short days, and by laughing as much as I can.  I also get a lot of benefit from antidepressant medication, which I have taken ever since my son died.  If you tell your doctor you are sobbing every night, you might get some help.

Ed1937

Riajean, I'm so sorry. Not sure if this helps, but there are several of us who will have a hard time through the rest of the year, and beyond. Like you, my wife was the only one for me. Thanksgiving day will be five months since she passed away. It's OK if we all cry. Then we will put one foot in front of the other, and go on for another day. Sending virtual hugs.

Crushed

I was 66 when the love of my life went into memory care   We were married 47 years ago

I asked her to marry me on Christmas day 1972   It hurts
  

All I can tell you is that dramatic declines with alzheimers are the norm rather than the exception whether a person is in or out of a facility   DW has been in the MC facility for 5 years. We treated weight loss with ice cream and cake on doctors orders, 
 
Its been 4 years since she hod the slightest idea who  i am or was
 Its always tough but dont beat your self up

60 falcon

I don't know how I coped when it became obvious that my wife was going to die in the hospital.  At that point it truly was waiting for her to die.  I think at some level my mind was somehow disassociated from the reality of it. I spent my time trying to comfort her as much as I could and ensuring that she was receiving all the necessary comfort care.  She's been gone two and a half months.  Her 63rd birthday was 10 days ago and I'm really not in the mood for holidays.  Some days it feels like all that keeps me going are my two sons in their 20s and our two dogs.

I wish I had words of advice for you but sadly I don't.  I'm sorry you and your husband are going through this.

M1

Riajean, I'm 66 too, and this is my first holiday season with my partner in MC.  I hold my breath every day waiting for the kind of decline you're seeing.  The pain hits me every morning when the dog wakes me up wanting to go out.  I know how your feel, even if I'm a bit behind you on the illness curve.

I've dealt with lonesome holidays for years.  My father died on Nov. 23, 1993 and my mother on Dec. 25 1997, so there's that.  When my kids were young, there was shared custody with my ex, so they weren't always around, and I don't have extended family.  So I tend to just put my head down and treat the holidays like any other day.  Lowering my expectations helped a lot.  Having grandkids helps some, though they tend to go to their other grandparents' house at this point.  There is one tradition we keep that matters to my kids--we try to read together on Christmas Eve.  But that's it.

My heart goes out to you.  We will get through this.

Whyzit

When I am sad I find comfort in a song written by Andre Crouch. To hear him sing it Google Through it All. Song by Andre Crouch and Diciples on YouTube.

A. Marie

Dear riajean, I'm in about the same position as you. I'm 67, and my DH who has been in skilled nursing for almost 1.5 years is 73. He too has declined sharply since he was first checked into the SNF: He has been in a wheelchair since COVID went through his ward in late spring of this year and left him too weak to stand or walk; he can no longer feed himself; and he sleeps much of the time.

I don't have any good answers for how to cope with this situation in general or during the holidays in particular. But I suggest, with empathy, that one thing you might consider doing is to leave major holiday preparations behind. You mention a sister and aunt; could they take over some or all of these? Or could you invent a new holiday plan altogether? As you say, the old normal no longer exists. We caregivers may all have a better chance of hanging onto what remains of our sanity if we adapt ourselves and our expectations to the new abnormal.

Me, I'll be having Thanksgiving dinner across the street with our understanding neighbors for more than 35 years. They too have a new abnormal to adapt to this year (a critically ill relative), and we're all sort of pulling each other through this.

riajean

Oh my, thank you everyone for your comments.  Yes, just because the calendar says one thing doesn't mean we have to comply.  My new normal is truly abnormal but I'm not quite there in dealing with everything.

If the sadness ever ends, maybe it will be better, but now it's just not.  I know, truly know that everything I can do for my DH, I do and then some.  I know I'm loved and appreciated, but the sadness doesn't end.  Time will be a gift for us all.   Again, thank you and my best personal wishes for you throughout this "holiday season" whatever we can take from it, knowing it doesn't matter the day/hour we celebrate.

clndaniels

Like you, this is my first holiday with my DH in MC. He has been there 6 weeks and I already can see so much decline. Of course he was in decline before he went to MC. It is still hard when I visit and Thanksgiving and Christmas without him at home will be super sad.  He is where he needs to be and that is a comfort but still hurts.  

Wishing you a good holiday in spite of all!

LilySue

I have similar feelings about the holidays. For the last three Christmases I've thought that it would be DH's last, and it's made me so sad. He's still at home with live-in caregivers, and after ten years, he's tired and hasn't known me for at least a year. Holidays are very hard and tears come easily. One day at a time seems the only way through this horrible season.

Paris20

Riajean, I know exactly how you feel. Exactly one year ago, my grandson and his new bride came up from Maryland and prepared the entire Thanksgiving dinner for one of my daughters, her daughter, my husband and me. My beagle enjoyed everything that fell to the floor.

This year, my husband is in an assisted living/skilled nursing facility because he had a stroke last May, on top of his AD. He is paralyzed on his right side. He will never come home. This year, my grandson and his wife are enjoying their newborn son and entertaining her family in Maryland.  My beloved dog died of cancer last month.

When I think of the Thanksgivings of years past, I become maudlin and nostalgic. Our whole family used to get together. My parents hosted fabulous holiday dinners. Those years are gone. With my family spread out all over the country, getting all of us together is just too hard. I had made peace with that but I thought DH would Have been able to join us. That all changed 6 months ago.

jmlarue

I sure understand how you're feeling and can only say, "Me to." My DH has been in a VA Psych Unit for 4 long months. On Friday he crashed - unconscious, can't swallow, heart rate doubled, fever, white count very high. Fri, Sat and Sunday I dreaded answering the phone, fearing it was Next of Kin bad news. Finally, this afternoon the doctor called to say his vitals were improving, but he's not out of the woods yet. In effect, I feel like I keeping a death watch while Thanksgiving is just a few days away. I'm invited to dinner with my oldest son and his family. This is going to be a very hard season, I think.