Stress(2)

Nutty623

I don't expect many comments,just venting

My mother is a hoarder. Her house was condemned in 2004.my brothers cleaned it out and fixed it up so she could remain in the house.she moved in her this August and I am having a tough time. Cleaning up after her is triggering memories of cleaning her house so now I am snappy at times. She isn't at the stage she needs a nursing home but she isn't well enough to live alone. Has anyone had this issue or similar?

GothicGremlin

When you say "nursing home", do you mean skilled nursing or memory care?  Maybe assisted living? When my sister was still living at home (before memory care), I always had caregivers come by to spend time with her, do puzzles, make food for her, etc. It was fine for a couple of years, and then it was clear living at home was too much for her.

Vent away!  We all need it sometimes.

Wilted Daughter

OMG! Cleaning up after a hoarder is a nightmare. Mom's house wasn't condemned or TV show worthy but there was years of stuff to go through. If your pass the cleanup to make the place livable stage and just trying to stay on top of things, try not letting things pile up (newspapers, food, bags, no more shopping for unnecessary things. etc.). 

If you clean daily/weekly, just throw things away before trash day...it's stressful to see things piled up. My mom's likes to see things spread out on a clean surface/not see a clean uncluttered surface. I clean up like the cleaning police...when she clutters I throw it away.  You may want to wait until she is not in the room.

When I decluttered/painted, etc. listening to music and sorting things between keep, donate, sell, and trash was helpful. Although I did throw away some valuables it could not be helped...I was stressed!!!

Go for the trash first and put out trash regularly. Then look for things to donate and schedule pick up or drop off days. The remaining items like big furniture/valuables you can take time sorting and making a decision. Don't let food linger in the frig, don't buy more food than you can eat in a week or let the panty get stocked too full (throwing away food when some people don't have enough to eat may make you feel some kind of way). 

After awhile you will develop a system and not get so emotional/have flash backs. Burn scented candles, open windows, wash dishes/floors/laundry regularly. If possible have someone come in once or twice a month to deep clean or once weekly. Some agencies can help with PCA services that includes cleaning (Elder Services). 

Hope this helps...don't let it get you down. You will get over this...

mommyandme (m&m)

In our situation, even up to just some months ago, I would have a hard time with my mom due to resentment baggage I carried.  Her behaviors would send me down the history trail and I’d have a hard time getting out of that loop.  I’m not sure why but I’m more often able to stay in the present now and can even find myself thinking of happier memories of my mother when I was a child to young adult.  It’s a much more peaceful life for me to think of positives instead of negatives, and there are plenty.  Staying in the here and now may help some until you can possibly look back at some of the smiles you had because of your mom.  Not to mention, try to find the smiles from mom’s situation in the here and now too.  

I’m so sorry for these struggles, hate this for all of us.  

Iris L.

Nutty623 wrote:

My mother is a hoarder. Her house was condemned in 2004.my brothers cleaned it out and fixed it up so she could remain in the house.

If your mom has dementia, her ability to maintain normal household standards is gone.  There is no way she would be capable of doing what needs to be done.  Don't expect her to be able to keep up.

Iris L.

Klako

When my sister passed who had lived my dad her whole life and they hoarded all of their life I was faced with trying to get things livable and safe for my dad. Prior the house was like the video game dig dug with one small path leading through the whole house. I filled three dumpsters with stuff. Luckily, my dad was ok with it. Mostly because unless he was right there I put everything in garbage bags so he couldn’t see what I was getting rid of. I was literally get rid of their whole life. I tried to focus on what I could see and if things had a place in a cupboard or closet they are still there. 

It is a very daunting task. What I have realized too is that something my dad wanted to hold onto in a moment he doesn’t remember in the next so then you can get rid of it. 

Hang in there. I agree with others on keeping up and getting rid of stuff while they are not looking.

Nutty623

Thank you Gothic. Nursing home. Haven't looked into memory care yet

Nutty623

Thank you for great suggestions. I am the hired PCA for her. So I do get some finial compensation. It is getting better. I found a system that might work for me. She has a bad leg so it takes a while for her to get back in the room  I have moving fast and throwing stuff out the front door. I am going through begs very discretely. I would really like to do some deep cleaning but my energy still gets consumed by dishes, sweeping and mopping. My pantry needs some tlc.it is good to be heard.

Nutty623

Thank you mommy and me. I do have some positive memories from my childhood but like my dream she suddenly does something to ruin the positive. It's just her personality. Unfortunately, it always startles me.she has a good sense of humor so we can have a string of hours where things run smoothly . I need to stay in the present your right. It's my house and I have more control over it than my traumatized mind wants to believe.

Nutty623

Thank you Iris, sometimes she does clean and organize her belongings. Perhaps I should be grateful she can still do it imspite of the hoarded objects. If the items were I would be okay. Sometimes I will gently take them and tell her I am just washing it. I rip boxes into 50 pieces. Just very time consuming when I already have the job of making sure she eats food.

Nutty623

Hi Klako, I am glad I posted here. It allows me to reflect and think of things more positively. We moved my mom into our house in August and I was responsible for the move her memory issues allowed me to give away much of her furniture to goodwill. She also had far too many dishes. It's frustrating that she is in the living room. She cannot do stairs so we put her bed in there and put up curtains in the doorway. I feel bad but she seems to enjoy chatting with us if we walk through

DarrenBryant

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