how to handle losing a pet

CStrope

2 weeks ago, we had to say goodbye to our 12 year old lab/mastiff.  We still have 1 dog, a sweet pittie mix.  DH worships all animals, much more so than humans!  Since the passing of Dia, there has been an increase in his confusion, and a lot of crying. He is confused about Franco, the dog we still have, and continually asks if we have 2 dogs.  

My son thinks we should get another dog right away, but my worry is that by adding another pet so soon after losing Dia, that we may be risking another blow to his "routine" and cause even more problems.

Can anyone else relate? My viewpoint is that I have enough on my plate right now and really don't want to think about adding another stresser, but if I really thought it would help DH, I'd find a way to handle it.  I'm still working full time, from home,  and must handle all other responsibilities by myself.  DH still handles his personal care fine, but is not able to help with any chores or other things. 

60 falcon

Just my opinion, but I wouldn't consider adding another pet. You are right, you already have enough on your plate.  Losing a pet is certainly a difficult thing to go through, and so is raising another pet.  I don't know how far your husband's dementia has advanced, but my wife was mid to late stage 6 a year ago when we had to have one of our dogs put down.  My wife was upset for only a couple hours and never mentioned that dog again.  Hopefully your husband will somehow process the loss or forget about it eventually. Maybe your husband's bond with the remaining dog will grow even stronger now.

Btw, I bet Dia was an awesome dog.  I've have/had labs my whole life and also had an English Mastiff a few years ago. Dia being mix of the two must have been great.

GothicGremlin

Hi there CStrope -

Yes, I can relate.

My sister Peggy is like your husband, so much so that her entire working career was taking care of about 70 parks, and being responsible for the petting zoo at one of the parks. Making sure the animals were all taken care of was something she really cared about.  At home, she never had fewer than four cats.

Over time, the cats aged, and would pass on. I don't know if Peggy realized there was something up with her, but she didn't replace them. Two months before I placed her in memory care, her last cat passed away. It was traumatic for her, and she was inconsolable. This caused a sharp decrease in her cognition. I believe to this day that the loss of Jezebel (her favorite cat) was a huge contributor of her going to memory care when she did.

Even if Peggy hadn't gone into memory care when she did, I would have steered her away from getting more cats. She thought she could care for them, and she took great pleasure in caring for them.  But, sadly, her desire to look after her cats, and her actual ability to do so were two very different things. I watched her with Jezebel the last few months of her life.  It was not good. When Peggy wasn't looking, I'd make sure Jezebel had the right food, the right meds, and a good amount of water. How Peggy looked after the cats was a window into Peggy's cognition for me.

Now, today, Peggy never mentions Jezebel, or even wanting more cats - which is a relief because there's no way she can take care of a cat.

I guess this is my long-winded way of saying maybe think twice about getting another dog.  It's so hard to know how someone with dementia will react.

M1

CStrope I'm sorry for your loss. My partner is also an animal person.  I would not get another pet, agree completely with the other posters. My partner couldn't remember how many cats and dogs we had and would constantly ask about it. Interestingly she seems to have completely forgotten them now in MC, which surprises me given that they had so much emotional weight.

Ed1937

I'm sorry you lost Dia. That is hard stuff, even when you don't  have dementia. Since you still have the pit, maybe he will become closer with it. I agree that holding off, at least until you feel better about getting another one, would probably be a good idea. It's really a hard decision.

Paris20

On October 12, I said good-bye to our beagle, who died of soft tissue sarcoma. I certainly understand the emotional pain. I’m still not over it. My husband is in a nursing home so I had some choices. My daughters and I decided not to tell him. He loved that dog more than anything (and perhaps anybody). With no short term memory left, he would get the bad news and promptly forget it. There’s no need to hurt him with that knowledge, which he’d be unable to recall anyway. However, I have had to lie about Maddie. He asks about her and I always say she’s OK.

I understand if your spouse is at home, you can’t hide the absence of your dog. Getting another dog would probably be confusing. Depending on how advanced the dementia is, daily fiblets might work…the dog is at the vet, the groomer, outside, etc. That is likely impossible in most cases but if your LO is very far into stage 6 or so, it might work.

zauberflote

CStrope, I am so sorry. Losing a pet is very hard in the best of times! I've never experienced exactly your situation, though, and hope to avoid it for myself and our kids. I'm sitting here with our last remaining cat, going on 19, on my lap. I'm only 70, but watched my MIL's 9-yr-old sociopathic cat nearly not find a new home when MIL died, and don't want that. 

When he asks if you have two dogs, could you say enthusiastically, oh we used to, yes!, and launch into a story about the pair's shenanigans? My mom used to love talking about the cat we'd had in my child/teenhood. They didn't get another, but Pyewacket's bizarre adventures could keep us going for a long time very happily. 

If your current dog grieves too much (the loss of his brother in summer 2021 caused our current cat's dementia symptoms to nosedive, and it's been downhill ever since), how about a cat, an older one? All they need is laps....

toolbeltexpert

Cstrope I am sorry you lost your beloved dog. We have cats and themomma cat just never showed up again. I took down all the pictures and I had taken photos daily of all the cats to help my dw know they were OK. Of course she couldn't remember even if she did see them. So I continued showing her an old picture she never caught on to me and I mourned the loss alone. I wouldn't get another dog just my humble opinion. You could create a whole new series of problems, like you said you have enough on your plate.

Stewart

Pat6177

We had 2 cats and had to put one of them down in August. He had arthritis and I was giving him gabapentin but he didn’t like taking it and I didn’t like chasing him around to try to give it. The only other option the vet had to offer didn’t work for him. So partly for his sake and partly for my sake, we put him down. As much as I grieved for him, I was grateful to not have the hassles of chasing him to give him meds, cleaning up puke and poo accidents etc. DH wanted to immediately get another cat. I have told him that our remaining cat who is almost 18 would not like another cat in his space. The remaining cat is quite happy being the one and only. I don’t know if that argument would work with a dog. But it seems like integrating a new dog into the equation would be additional hassle on your shoulders and not necessarily a help to your DH.