DW Refuses My Help

Rudy C

I am the primary care giver for my DW.

Behavior changes began recently where my wife no longer lets me help her. She wants her sister or another female to help her change clothes and help her in the bathroom.

She uses a Rivastigmine transdermal patch and she will no longer allow me to put it on her.

She goes into the bathroom and talks to the mirror about me.

After she had an accident in the bathroom she refused my help to shower and change clothes. I had to call my sister to clean her up and change her.

Is it time for me to consider outside help to come in and bath and change her clothes?

mommyandme (m&m)

Hi Rudy and welcome to this forum.  I’m not taking care of a spouse, but my mom.  I like to read this forum too as I need all the help I can get.  Hopefully some of the wise and supportive folks will provide a response soon.  

From what I understand, it does sound like it’s time to bring in someone to help with your wife’s needs. Besides helping your DW, respite for you is invaluable. Also starting slowly now may help when you need more help for longer stretches.  She may be more accepting of you being gone for a bit and/or having someone else to help with her care if she’s gotten used to it here and there. 

Sorry for your need to be here but glad you came.

markus8174

Yep, my DW refused to allow me to help her most of the time, but would accept help from her daughter or outside female staff. Even in the facility she is in for long term care, she will do as the staff directs but not me. It got bad enough that this was the root cause of me placing her in long term care. No solution from me, just commiseration.

Ed1937

Rudy C wrote:

After she had an accident in the bathroom she refused my help to shower and change clothes. I had to call my sister to clean her up and change her.

Is it time for me to consider outside help to come in and bath and change her clothes?

Hi Rudy, and welcome to the forum. Sorry you have a need for it, but it's a good one when you need it. 

I had the same problem with my wife. A few times I actually physically forced her into the shower, even though I felt bad forcing her to do anything. It simply had to be done. It was always a yelling match when that happened. One day I didn't get upset with her, but I told her I knew this was so hard for her, and I was sorry. I told her it was OK, that I loved her, and we would work together on it. I kept repeating that it was OK. She immediately responded differently, and got in the shower. She didn't like it, but it was much better for both of us.

Re: outside help. I think m&m said it very well. If you don't have other help, having someone to help on an ongoing basis will give you a little time to recoup, and everyone needs that. But she will still probably have an occasional mishap in the bathroom when nobody else is there. Trial and error. You'll figure out what works best for you.