Rent due

obarillas

So I live with my grandma just me n her & we both agree for me to be her caregiver. She has bad mood swings with her dementia that I feel is getting worse, so today we had to pay our rent and I asked grandma if she wanted me to go leave the check in the leasing office & first she tells me not right now, so a few hours go by & I ask again, I tell her it’s getting late & we need to leave the check, & she lies to me & says she paid it over the phone knowing that we don’t have that option so I was confused like huh? I let her know we aren’t allowed to pay over the phone call & that she has to leave the check in the office, then she starts getting angry with me & raises her voice at me saying you don’t tell me what to do & putting me down, so I ignore it & ask her again when are u gonna give me the check to go drop off & she comes up with a another lie & says she went already to go drop it off, but we live in a 1 bedroom apt & i can see when someone leaves & she’s not even supposed to be outside by herself , so I tell her I didn’t see you step out & then she makes up a another lie & says I gave the check to some random person outside which had me really worried. & I was like what ? Then she raises her voice at me again and tries to put me down, so I just walk away. Luckily I have her debit card info & I was able to pay it over the internet , but we get charged like a $50 fee which I was tryna avoid but I guess I should of just paid it online myself to begin with without asking her is that wrong?

obarillas

So know she’s on the phone with a family member her talking crap about me over the phone & talking about she wants to move away.

KMenehan

This sounds super frustrating. Can you see yourself as the caregiver, meaning handling her finances for her? And do family members know she is being cared for by you? I guess as our elders' minds diminish we have to do what we know is right no matter what they think is correct.

sandwichone123

Obarillas, it's all a learning curve. You'll start to learn what works and what doesn't. Do you have access to the accounts? It's really important for the person that's caring for the PWD (person with dementia) to have the legal authority to deal with the finances. Right now it's rent, someday it may be care. The family, if there's more than just you, needs to step up and get financial control ASAP, and someone needs to take over bills immediately.

You may find that, as with many PWD, it doesn't work well to remind her of reality when she's thinking something else. She may think she did drop it off, or she may be confabulating--making up a story that seems to make sense in her reality. It is not wrong--it's very right--to take care of what needs taking care of (although that $50 fee seems wrong to me).

obarillas

Thanks for the advice right now I’m getting the silent treatment from her & it scares me because she starts doing stuff on her own when she doesn’t know how to example she doesn’t know how to use the stove right , when she turns on the gas she lets all the gas out. Any advice for when the PWD is giving her caregiver the silent treatment

obarillas

Also yes my family is aware of me taking care of her everyone works & no one has time to care for her so it’s just me. When I make time for myself to go out I have fun because this is a stressful job. What sucks tho is every time I go out my Grnadma with dementia always makes scenarios in her head that I’m wasted or passed out on the floor & that she sees me but that’s all false she makes up a lot of things in her head. I’m also gonna have a social worker come to my Home soon so I can finally get approval to be the caregiver , but I’m worried about my grandma making up some lies to the social worker ): any advice

obarillas

We are in the process of me being her caregiver & getting her all the IHSS support too we are at the step where the social worker is gonna set a date to come over our place

obarillas

She’s the type of person who’s been independent her whole life so I know this is gonna be a huge challenge she is very stubborn & controlling

M1

Oberillas, it doesn't sound like you have any legal authority here, that you are just doing this by agreement with your family?  That's for sure not going to be adequate over the long haul.  Someone in your family needs to have guardianship or power of attorney for her in order to be able to make decisions even when she objects--and she will, you can't expect to reason with her, as that part of her brain is broken.  You could potentially talk to the social worker about this--though if it's an IHSS or Medicaid social worker, they are not going to be the right person, but they maybe can give you some advice about local resources.  Your family likely needs an elder law attorney (look at nelf.org) to draw up the appropriate papers.

Who stays with her when you go out?  It doesn't sound safe for her to be by herself, particularly if she tries to use the stove.  

harshedbuzz

Cobbling onto what M1 mentioned, do you have sole legal authority for your grandmother in the form of guardianship or POAs? Does anyone? I personally would not be caregiver to a person without the authority to make decisions about finances and healthcare. 

I'm going to say the quiet thing out loud--

Is this something you should be doing with your life right now? To my ear it sounds as if you are being used by the generation ahead of you. I get that they have jobs, but you should as well. Your grandmother's child(ren) should be taking responsibility for her care. They need to figure this out so that you can work of building your own life and future. Twenty-nine is a time to be focused on your own career and relationships, not helping parents, aunts and uncles avoid caring for their mom or, worse, preserving her assets for an inheritance by exploiting you. 

Medication could help dial back her behaviors, but if she's carelessly leaving gas on-- she should never be left alone.

HB

obarillas

Me & the PWD live together so I don’t mind taking care of her , & her children just didn’t leave me hanging they help me out here & there the thing is she only has 3 kids 1 is homeless, the other works everyday & just to get by because rent is expensive in LA & her 3rd child isn’t even in this state. I mainly made this account just so I can get some tips from you guys on how you guys deal with these mood swings & stuff, I’m new to this so I don’t understand what you guys mean by I need to hire an attorney , I have access to her accounts & she owns no property we live in a apt

obarillas

Hopefully by the end of the month I start getting paid to take care of her, I’m in the process of waiting for the social worker to come do a home visit

obarillas

I’m a homebody so I usually just stay home all day watching her but when I do go out usually at night it’s when she’s ready for bed & I make sure she’s fed & everything so she has no reason to turn on the stove & usually once she’s ready for bed she’ll be in her room till the morning

mommyandme (m&m)

Welcome to this place, sorry you find yourself here.  My first thought about paying the rent is if you used her checking acct info online, the fees may be less for the online rent payment, if that’s an option.  If you can keep from the argument also called reasoning, you may get less pushback.  Id probably get it worked out where she’s not responsible for writing the check going forward.  As far as helping with her accusations and negative treatment to you, validating her feelings, apologizing for things even when they’re not your fault, lots of sappy smiles and hugs goes a long way in my world.  Thank yous and I love you are also a standard here.  

I think the lawyer is important so someone is designated to make financial and medical decisions on her behalf as you move along on this journey.  There will be a time when she is deemed incapable of making decisions about her own care.  It’s very important to do that early when she can still sign the Powers of Attorney (POAs).  You’re wonderful to be taking her care on, and you need to have some legal protections in place for you too. A CELA, Certified Elder Law Attorney, should be able to do a free consultation where you will get important information about what caring for a dementia patient looks like legally and financially.  

Keep coming back.  Thanks for sharing your current life with us.  

[Deleted User]

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obarillas

Thanks for all the information guys! I really appreciate it & it makes me feel good typing what she does on here. Her dr prescribed her medication for her mood so she does take meds for that. Today she woke up still upset at me about yesterday & I made her a tea in the morning so when she wakes up she can just take it & when she came out her room she started using the stove again and making her own tea & I told her I made u one already & I showed her it & she just said leave it there & she was still making her own tea once she filled up her cup she left to her room & closed the door & left the tea I made for her just in the table

Jo C.

Hello obarillas, it is a very difficult job when we begin to care for someone with dementia as there is SO much to learn and we all start on the first rung of the learning ladder. It is important to remember, "we don't know what we don't know."  I wore out Mr. Google looking things up when I first became a caregiver.  This is long, but you asked for information, so here goes:

The person with dementia does best with routine and structure to their days; all days as much as possible. Routine and structure are friends; change and disruption are the enemies so to speak.  It is also best to have a neat environment without clutter as that too is often upsetting to someone with dementia.  Noise can be a problem issue; loud music, too many people in the house making noise even if just talking, loud TV programs especially if the programs have violence in them.  Music if not appreciated can be a big issue.  Be careful of throw rugs and in fact probably best to get rid of them as tripping and lack of balance is an issue as those centers in the brain are also affected.

Most recent memory is the memory to slip away first; when a person has dementia, as the brain is damaged, it loses the most current memory and goes back in time, so she may actually be addressing things that happened in the past or long past and believing them to be true.  Do not argue with her if that happens. That is her reality; she cannot enter our real time, so we must go with them in their reality. This memory fogginess and slipping can be different from day to day at first, but it is there.

The hardest thing for me to learn was not to argue; not to point out when my Loved One (LO) with dementia was wrong, or to point out when she was wrong when fussing.  Your grandmother's brain is now already considerably damaged by the dementia. Some of it is easily seen, some of it is not.   Her ability to have logic or adequate reasoning is badly "broken."  She will not realize this and in fact if pointed out may angrily deny having anything wrong; this is called "anosognosia."  It is not willfully done on purpose, she really believes she is just fine.  She cannot help what is happening and even if she seems fairly "with it," she is not as with it as it appears; that is hard to learn sometimes.

When they get in a snit, it is best to "validate" their feelings. Example: If she blames you for misplacing something, even though you did not, etc., it is best to ignore the words but to validate the feelings behind the words she is saying, such as if she accuses you of stealing or losing something you did not actually do but she is stuck believing it; " I am very sorry I made you feel upset and angry that you could not find your purse; when I was cleaning, I accidentally moved it; here it is . . . I will not do that again and I am sorry I upset you."  THEN:  immediately refocus her onto something else whether an abrupt change to another topic or going to get some tea and a cookie, etc.  This sort of thing can happen again and again. It  does not cost a penny to validate feelings and that and affection can go a long way.

By the way; our LOs are extremely sensitive to our moods; they sense when we are angry even if we control it; they feel our moods and react to facial expressions, body language etc.  They are like feeling barometers, so it is best to try and stay calm and on an even keel.

It does concern me that she is staying alone at night; even if you feel she is sleeping and may not get up. What if there is a fire?  Would she know what to do and how to get out without hurting herself?  What if someone breaks in, or if someone is suddenly at the door, or if she falls or other things happen . . . is she capable of calling 911 if she needs it? At this point, she should not be alone at night.

Since she has developed problem issues with her thinking and recall and she uses the stove, personally, I would remove the knobs from the stove so she cannot light fires . . . AND you have already mentioned that she causes problems with the gas; that is a significant safety issue.  You mention her being alone at night you do not worry about the stove as she has no need to turn it on . . . I am sorry, but that is not how it works with a person with dementia. She will suddenly be awake; perhaps having used the bathroom and go to turn on the stove to make tea or simply because that is the way her brain is thinking even if that is not the usual time of day for doing it; it is a danger issue.

She will sadly continue to have her condition deteriorate.  Will you be able to manage her toileting, bathing, and manage diapering with incontinence?  The day will come when she may well need to be transferred to a care facility if her changes are severe or she has other healthcare concerns abruptly arise . . . do you have a safe plan for what you would do if things abruptly changed and she was no longer at home any more? 

One other thing; you mention caregiving being hard; going out at night, and "having fun."  Your grandmother gets upset. IF drinking alcohol is part of the "fun," then there is a problem issue.  Caregivers, especially if they are paid through whatever source are NOT allowed to use alcohol when caring for a dependent adult. That is absolutely forbidden and if grandmother can sense you may have had a drink or two this may be why she is angry.

If a dependent adult,  (your grandmother is in the category of a dependent adult), is left alone with no one in the house, that can be an issue for the Penal Code Section dealing with adult abuse and adult neglect.  Even though you do not physically abuse her, the code states that even if nothing negative has happened, just that there is the POSSIBILITY of something happening from such behaviors is a violation of said legal code.  You may want to have the adult children of your grandmother take a little more value in that you need time off and they must make arrangements for it. That you have a place to live without paying rent is not adequate managment by your grandmother's adult children.

You have been kind being willing to care for grandmother, but please do a lot of reading about dementia and dementia behaviors; there is alot online.   You can also learn alot by reading here on both the Caregiver's Forum and the Spousal Forum where problems are openly discussed.

I wish you and your grandmother the very best on your caregiving journey.

J.

Jo C.

Forgot about the legal issues. You are a hired care aide; you do not have the legal rights to make healthcare decisions or to make financial decisions for your Grandmother.   One of Grandmother's adult children should have the following and if they do not they absolutely need to get it done yesterday.

First; they need two different Durable Powers of Attorney.  One DPOA will be for Healthcare, the other DPOA will be for Finance.  These are the legal documents  that grants the person mentioned in the document the right to make Healthcare decisions for your Grandmother, and the other DPOA would give the person named the legal right to make financial decisions and conduct financial business. They need to do this while Grandmother can still sign her name to such documents in an attorney's office. 

If the adult children do not do this, then when Grandmother can no longer legally sign her name and healthcare or financial needs arise to be made for her, (especially healthcare issues), they would have to apply for Guardianship of her person and that is very expensive and takes going through the court system with attorneys.

So; it would be good to ask if any of the adult children have the DPOAs so you know who has them if the do, and if not, to suggest they get that settled. Don't forget to ask them to make arrangments for someone to care for Grandmother when you have hours off; you are hired and they need to grant you the same rights as any other care aide would have regarding being on duty and time off and your Grandmother can no longer be left alone considering the dementia's effect on her brain which makes safety issue concerns.

J.

obarillas

Thanks for all the information!! & I forgot to mention I get a relative to come over or someone comes & picks her up when i go out ! Not leaving her by herself