My dad calls me almost every night looking for people who have died.

coloradosue

When my dad calls late at night asking for phone numbers for his mother, wife, older brother, all who have died, he gets upset if I remind him they are dead.  He thinks he has seen them down the hall or talked to them lately.  He also keeps asking about the whereabouts of his car that he hasn't had for several years. I know about compassionate lying and trying to switch topics, but it doesn't work in this situation. He gets upset with me that I won't help him contact these people or blames me that I have taken his car (he lives in memory care).  I don't have a good answer since it seems that whatever I say, it just further frustrates him.  I am wondering if it's better to just not answer the phone after dinner since it's always a crazy request that I can't answer.  Any suggestions?

M1

Hi Sue.  Have you thought about just taking his phone away?  I know that may seem harsh, but I wonder.  My partner is also in MC, and none of the residents there have their own telephones.

coloradosue

I've thought about it...but so far he is pretty cheerful and clearheaded, although forgetful, during the day.  It's after dinner when it gets crazy. I suspect it won't be long before he forgets how to use the phone altogether.

ladyzetta

I am also surprised he has a phone in MC. My DH was in MC and none of the MC residents had their own phones. Maybe just have his disappear. Tell him you took it in to be repaired. Or just let it go to v mail if that's easier.

GothicGremlin

Hi coloradosue - phones are tough.  For many it's part of their identity.

My sister had hers for the first month or so after I placed her in memory care. It was a constant source of frustration for her, and for me.  Eventually I told her the phone was having issues and that I needed to take it to the Apple store for repairs. She handed it over and we've never spoken about it since.  Yes, I felt terrible about it, but it really did take away a lot of stress for her. Now, even when we look at photos on my phone, she never brings up her phone. She's completely forgotten about it.

Does your dad's memory care facility have its own phone? Maybe use that phone while your dad's phone is  being "repaired"?

dwadd333

Since residing in memory care, my dad has always had his cellphone. The first, a regular Smartphone, frustrated him with since he was never into technology to begin with. So I replaced it with a flip. At the beginning of his ordeal, he would call numbers on speed dial all hours of the night because of sun downing. One time, he called around 4am and woke me from a sound sleep. I was scared poopless! So now if (or when) he calls, it goes straight to my voicemail without ringing. But he doesn't call as much as he used to. And as far as deceased relatives, he'll mention seeing his brother, sisters or even my mom being there with him. I just go along with it although they've been gone for years now. Really sad to see our LOs go through this and they have no idea how it takes a toll on us caregivers too. Stay strong and know you're not alone.

prov1kenobi

I live with my 80 year old brother who is into stage 6 alzheimers. for several weeks he asked me if certain members of our family have died. He kept repeating this over and over, thpugh He has not asked these questi0ns furing the last week or tw0

Anon1001

Hello, I am sorry to hear that your dad is going through this, at this stage of his dementia.  It sounds as if he is confused and agitated.  Like others who have replied to this thread, I too am surprised that he is allowed to have a phone in an assisted living or memory care unit; patients with dementia are known to sometimes make random, long distance calls repeatedly, for no reason, and can run up huge phone bills in the process.  Even if though know how to use the phone, they are still prone to dropping it in the toilet bowl, or calling 911 repeatedly for no reason, etc.  Overall, they do not seem to really benefit from having their own phone.

Ci2Ci

Adding to others' suggestion of eliminating his phone:

As an alternative, how about replacing it with a dummy phone -- an inactive flip phone. That way he would not feel deprived of a phone, but perhaps assume that the cellular service was just out-of-service when he tried to place call. Might distract him to forget about trying the call.

(You can buy used cell phones Tracfone for under $10, w/o need to pay for -- or at least continue past a month -- a service plan. Phone actually still works for 911 calls, though. And, can still be used for camera, games, etc.)