New here - many questions

KristenW

Hi all,

My Mom has Alzheimer’s and was living alone in her home and we were having private care givers visit her for four hours a day (it’s very expensive).  My Mom was declining and broke her foot while alone with no recollection of how it happened or that it was even broken.  I live about 5 mins away and have been her primary caregiver for a few years.  She was not bathing, could not cook for herself and her dog was also suffering if we weren’t around to ensure he was fed/watered and had bathroom breaks.  We finally received the call from a nearby long term facility that had a room available and we had to trick my Mom two weeks ago to get there.  She never wanted to move into a nursing home.  She was so agitated by the time we arrived that the nursing staff suggested my brother and I sneak out without explaining to my Mom where we had brought her, the staff explained this isn’t their first time and Mom will be fine so that is what we did.  We didn’t call or visit for about a week.  On our first visits she does not recognize us already.  She does recognize our voices if we call on the telephone.  I feel terrible guilt and worry constantly about her and how unhappy she seems.  I check up on her daily by checking in with the nursing staff and they say she is social and enjoys the food a lot.  They also say that my brother and I are triggers which upset her for hours after we visit or call.  When I speak with my Mom she just cries and pleas to go home.  That part is very hard for me.  I’m afraid to bring my Mom outside of the home for visits in fear that she will not go back when the day is over.  With Christmas quickly approaching I struggle with what to do?  My Mom always comes to my home for Christmas and I would hate it if I could not do this this year in fear that she will not go back to the long term care facility.  Her crying and begging to go home is heartbreaking.  Any advice would be appreciated!

M1

Hi Kristen and welcome. First, it sounds to me that you absolutely did the right thing, it definitely sounds like she was not safe living by herself. Period. 

you will just have to give it time.  My partner has been in memory care for eight months and i am still a trigger. People adapt at different rates and some never do, sadly. I have not been able to take her out of the facility at all, for the very reasons you mention. However, she's been able to go with an escorted group on two outings recently, which is progress.

It's a big adjustment for all involved. I would follow the staff's leads and encourage patience. Good luck.

MN Chickadee

You are still in the early stages of this move at two weeks, please give it time. Adjustment is a process and it takes time for both of you to adjust to the new normal. You did what you had to do; she wasn't safe in the previous setting. You did the loving thing you are charged with which was to make decisions on her behalf to get her the care she needs. 

We moved my mom around the holidays and yes it was painful to not be able to be together on Christmas, but I would let that go. It's ok to be sad about that and grieve; it is indeed another loss. I would most certainly not take her to your home this year. It would likely upend any adjustment and she may refuse to go back. She is unlikely to even enjoy it like previous years and the whole thing may make Christmas even sadder if it is full of incidents related to her visiting. It wouldn't be fair to her to take her out at this point, you need to allow her the time to immerse herself in the routine of memory care before messing with that. Me and my dad were also triggers for mom with Alz, seeing us would reset her back to day one. Hard as it was, we stayed away for many weeks. I was less of a trigger than my dad so I started going around the 4 week mark and he waited 8 weeks. Once he was visiting and she had adjusted they had nice visits and she seemed to know him again. I now have many fond memories of time we spend together at the facility, which is really saying something since the first two months were the darkest and hardest of my life. We had a friend and a relative go and spend some time with her on Christmas as well as the holiday lunch they put on for families the week before. That way we knew she had someone and didn't feel quite so much guilt over not being there. The following Christmas  a year later was a different story. We brought food and gifts and had a lovely time at the facility. So hang in there. This time of year is hard for anyone who is experiencing loss, and dementia is really high up there in loss. We lose them 100 times over, bit by bit. 

caregiving daughter

Your mom may not realize it's Christmas and since the visit could be a trigger, I would seek the most peaceful, routine day. Do keep in mind though that caregivers and nurses often take the holiday off so you will see a lot of subs. Different people could be agitating for your mom. It may make sense for you to hire a companion one afternoon a week and see if that person could stop by on Christmas. Someone familiar, someone calm, could be so helpful. If you and your sibling are a trigger, how about calling in a favor from a good friend and having them check on your mom. Tell them they don't need to quiz her on whether she recognizes them. Just have them see how she is doing.