Heart and head not in agreement

nanax2

I'm at a crossroads. Due to increasing physical aggression toward me, last incident involved calling 911, my head tells me it's time to start considering memory care for my husband of almost 55 years. My heart tells me to wait before taking that step. 

In the past all the difficulties I've been able to handle.....repeating things, struggling to  getting him to take medicine, bathing and as you all know the list goes on. I'm thankful at this point there are no eating issues, wandering, toileting and only minor delusions.

The aggression has progressed over the last 6 weeks. Infections have been ruled out. Bloodwork all normal. PCP prescribed low dose of prozac and ativan. PCP felt like more effective drugs would interfere with husbands seizure medicine. I'm waiting on a response from his neurologist for any suggestions. He has had seizures all his life,. They have been well controlled since Aug 2018.

 My husband is a large man and I'm only an average size woman. I'm just getting my strength back after finishing chemo in May, had surgery in January. Cancer is back for me and I'm now doing tests to see where and what the best treatment for me is. 

PCP advised  that my husbands current aggression is only going to get worse and this is just the warning shot. Part of close family things memory care best option and other family thinks memory care not a good idea.

Some days all is well with no issues, which gives me hope. Other days the fear of more aggression is present and tells me to consider placement for him. I've started the process of looking for seeing what is available in our area. Being in a rural area finding home care is challenging at best. I have family support but they can only do so much.

I would appreciate any suggestions or comments you might have from previous experience.

Jo C.

This is an old Thread written a year ago.  I wonder how nanax2 is and what decisions did she make.  I did a Search to see if there were any other Threads or Posts from her, but did not find any.

If nanax2 brought up her old Thread herself, it would be nice to know how she is and how things are going.

J.

Ed1937

Nana, welcome to the forum. Sorry you have a need for it. Caregiving at the same time as having health problems of your own has to be overwhelming. I'm so sorry.

Absolutely keep checking out memory care facilities. If you have children, maybe they could help you with that. If they can't control his aggressiveness, memory care might be the best option for both of you. One thing is for sure. You can't go by what your heart is telling you. Your head has to be the most important decision maker. If he should attack you, you will be no match for him. Then you will wind up in the hospital or worse. Where would that leave him? I know it's a hard decision, even if you've only been married a year or two. I made that decision earlier this year, after 64 years of being married.

If you are really concerned about the aggression, please ask for tips. You will get a lot of very practical tips here. But please put your heart on the back burner. It does not belong in decision making.

M1

Nana, i add my welcome and echo everything Ed has said. I have been down this road too, it was sudden and unexpected aggression towards me that landed my partner in the hospital and then memory care this spring, after 28 years together.

It has not been an easy road, she has not adapted easily and is triggered to be upset when i visit. But she is safe, i am safe, and she has bonded with some of the staff. We too live in a rural area, and finding home help proved impossible.

you may have to talk to his doctors about hospitalizing him to get the aggression under control before you can place him, my bet would be that no memory care facility will take him without that step.

And for you to have to face this while battling a cancer recurrence yourself: my heart goes out to you.  I imagine getting him settled safely would be a big relief to you, and i agree with Ed completely that you must make rational decisions for his care while you can. Im sure you know that's the right answer.

You have come to a good place for support.  Many wonderful people here.

Jo C.

Hello nanax2; I am very sorry for what is happening and can only imagine the complexity, concern and heartbreak all of this is bringing.  Logic and emotion certainly do live on two different planes of existance.  This is a situation however that has some significant needs that cannot be ignored; so in that light, it appears that from what you have written, logic is the dynamic that warrants the strongest weight in your decision making.  I think deep down you probably already know that.

Not only do you have your husband's high acuity of care to manage, there is now aggessive physical danger to yourself, and looming above everything else of highest priority, is the significant need you are personally facing regarding what your cancer specialists will decide will be the best treatment on your behalf regarding the cancer recurrence.   I am truly sorry you are dealing with that on top of everything else.  To take care of your husband, you need to take care of yourself and all that entails first.  That cannot be short changed.

You have done a great job for your husband to ensure that everything is being done to rule out physical causes for the changes bringing about the aggression; kudos for that.  The meds he is presently taking appear to not be the answer for managing the aggression; hearing from the Neurologist will certainly be the important piece in discussing treatments that may be more helpful without impacting negatively regarding seizures.  However; that still does not relieve you from the myriad caretaking care dynamics  in the midst of your needing time for your own care and time to recover from treatment.  (Having the aggression managed is important also for his being accepted into care.  Care facilities will not accept or keep a resident if they are a danger to other residents or staff, so it is good that medication is being addressed.)

In all of this, there is the very, very important dynamic that is you and your own health needs which are of priority.   The impact upon your health with the high acuity caregiving and negative behaviors can well affect your bodies own needs due to high levels of stress which can hinder medical treatment and recovery. As it is, you may need some downtime of your own while undergoing and recovering from treatment.  That cannot be done with the demands upon you for all that caregiving requires.

Try to remember you would not be abandoning him; you will still be his wife, his carer and his advocate, but you will be safe, have the time for your own full treatment and recovery, and have much less stress re his situation as he will be safe, secure, have socialization, activities when he wishes to join in or watch and have 24 hour access to care and licensed nursing oversight.   You will be able to visit and be with him a much as you wish, want or can be.  Other family and friends can also visit and be a positive dynamic in his and your life.

As you move through this decision making process, I wish you the very best outcome with all that you are facing.  Please keep in contact and let us know how you are and how things are going; we will be thinking of you and we really do care.

J.

loveskitties

Feeling the need to continue caring for your DH comes from the heart.

From what you describe, it is now time to let your mind lead.

You need to consider what will happen to him if your cancer recurrence requires surgery or extensive, some days debilitating, treatment.  

He will not be able to manage on his own, and unfortunately the things he can now still do, can disappear in an instant...there is just no time line for this disease.

M1 made a good point.  You will need to get him treatment for the aggression before a MC facility will take him.  They cannot risk him harming another patient or a staff member.

None of the decisions are easy with this disease.

I hope that your heart will see that you are looking out for his best interests by seriously considering placing him in a facility.

nanax2

Thank you all for the advice and support. Deep down I know what has to be done I guess the question is when. I'm still hopeful that the neurologist can prescribe the best medication for his situation. One problem that is my fault alone is for some time I've been very successful in coping and shielding my husband's condition. However, the past few incidents has made it impossible to ignore. Our son and daughter in law, adult grandchildren are involved and are so much help. Extended family will need to accept our decisions without judgement. This journey is not easy, but in the end it will be what it will be.

toolbeltexpert

Nanax I will echo what others have said. You need to take care of you first,which means giving your husband's care over to a group of people who are trained for his condition, I am not saying your care was in anyway inadequate. But you are at a place where you can still help him, let the young folks do as much as they can, and do not worry about those who are not in the loop.

Stewart 

Gig Harbor

Whatever else you choose to do pick a memory care for him and get his name on the list.. Fill out all paperwork so that if an emergency arises you will have your plan in place. Your health must be the primary concern. He will adjust but you will need all your strength and reserves to fight your cancer battle. Prayers for your successful treatment and healing.

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MaryG123

My heart goes out to you Nanex2, and my head agrees that he needs to be in care.  Others have found that a call to 911 and a request that he be admitted to geripsych will get him appropriate treatment.  Then you will need to refuse to bring him home, citing danger to him and you.  I’m so sorry.