Another crisis

Buggsroo

I am ready, I have looked at homes and have narrowed the choices down to five.

I know it is time, my husband will no longer allow me to give him a shower or wash him at the sink. I am allowed to clean his backside after he has left me a turd in the sink.

His words now are jumbled and he asks for things and I don’t understand what he is saying. He asks me continuously for his dinner or to go to bed. 

He smells to high heaven, reeking of urine. He pees the bed in spite of Depends maximum pants. He refuses to take his pills, I have gotten round that by asking a few minutes later. 

The latest crisis is that the bricking around our house have retained moisture and this was discovered when the masonry company was repairing our neighbour’s chimney and discovered a stray brick from our house on the ground. The owner knocked on our door and well $18,000 later we are having our foundation propped up, repaired etc. It has been hell because the workers have dug out two feet all round the house and there is dirt everywhere; upsetting the husband and prompting exclamations of “holy F@#$” and me explaining that I am aware of it and it is being taken care of, multiple times during the day. 

So yes, I can’t wait for 2022 to be over. 

Elshack

I have followed your journey and hope that you can place your DH as soon as possible in a facility.My DH is in Memory care since mid August due to double incontinency and a broken ankle and worsening AD. He is a peaceful person but it got to the point where I could no longer take care of him due to severe bathroom problems from Crohn's disease.

I am sending you some virtual hugs as you know in your heart that the time is now to place him. I hope you have the funds to take care of the $$$ house repair and also place your husband. 

White Crane

Dear Buggsroo, I hope and pray that you can place your husband soon.  You have been a dedicated caregiver...a warrior...and now it is time for placement.  Sending hugs and prayers for your strength and peace.

Br

Ed1937

Buggs, I'm so sorry you have yet more on your plate. Hopefully you will be able to have him placed soon. It's been a long time coming. 

On another thread you said " I know this for sure, I want to go back to North Africa, Morocco and Tunisia. I also would love to float over Cappadocia in a hot air balloon and see Istanbul. I love Byzantine art and going to Turkey is definitely on my list." I really hope you can do those things. You certainly deserve it.

Buggsroo

Thank you for your support. Crying while I write this. The $18,000 job has quickly escalated to $60,000 and I am panicking. My brother is my financial planner so will phone for advice. My husband has to into care, I can’t do this much longer, I barely eat except a few slices of cheese and digestive cookies. I am really sorry to dump on you all, I know you have your crosses to bear.

Gig Harbor

Buggs I think the crosses you have to bear are worse that what many have to bear. You have been so patient with your husband and his antics. The $60000 repair is something that you truly did not deserve to have happen. Do you have any idea how quickly placement might be able to happen?

Pat6177

First things first - get your DH placed - ASAP.

As for the foundation issue, at that price, you need a second opinion and quote before doing anything and maybe even a third. 

dayn2nite2

Did you ever turn in the list of the facilities to the social worker?

If not, do as I suggested a while ago - pick the closest ones and throw them at the social worker.  There is no more time to visit and deliberate.

Get a 2nd opinion on that repair and if it truly will cost that much, that would be a repair I would even consider not fixing and moving from.  You mentioned an "owner" - are you in a rental?

Ed1937

Buggs, it sounds as if they have started the job, and found that it required more than net the eye at first. If you haven't already signed a contract for the additional work, please don't do that just yet. They probably think you have no choice now, but I would get at least another estimate or two before going further. You can always negotiate a better price, so don't be afraid of negotiating. You might be surprised how much room you have for a better price.

toolbeltexpert

Buggs to be honest I questioned how all this repair business started, finding a brick? Did they then getting the owner to bring it to you? I am not saying it isn't needed, but it just seems suspicious to me.  At 18k I would budge unless you signed a contract with a provision for an increase. No way I would let it go for 60k without an outside assessment. Any way I am so sorry with all you have on your plate.  Praying for you.

Stewart

Buggsroo

Thanks everyone. 

I was really panicking but when I saw green mould on everything and how rotted the bricks were, I knew it was right to get it done. It won’t cost 60,000 after all, the price is going down because they are using leftovers from other jobs. I do have the money, it is difficult but I have a small mortgage and my house is worth about 1.2 million, so I have room to add to the mortgage. I would like to stay here, I am happy here. 

My husband will be placed soon, I am submitting the documents this week. I have learned not to push the hard stuff. He refuses to wash, will not take a shower. I can only clean his backside after he leaves a deposit. I have to admit I feel nauseated when I help him on with his Depends. Unfortunately I inherited my dad’s hound nose and bad smells drive me batty. My husband’s fallback is always “no”. I find if I circle back and ask again, sometimes it will be ok.

Dio

Hugs, Buggs... let us know how placement goes. I think I may be in the minority but I look forward to when I can place DH so that I may start taking care of myself. How silly of me, way back when, to have thought DH would take good care of me in my "old age" since he's so much younger... Well, look at us now! LOL. Life's full of unexpected surprises, isn't it?!

PaulaJM

Bugsroo, I agree, you need a second opinion on the repair that has now escalated to $60K.  Have you contacted your home owners insurance?  If this is foundational, I would think it should be covered by your policy.  Worth a try, it may not cost you anything out of pocket.

Joydean

Buggsroo I hope everything goes smoothly with placement of your dh. I can understand a little of the pain of the repairs you’re going through. We have a major plumbing issue and trying to keep dh clean using bottled water, is challenging. 

Sending prayers your way! 

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Buggsroo

Thank you everyone for caring about both my husband and Reno.

I told the foreman that the money he has already received is it. I am not paying anymore. We had quite the army bargy but I was firm. I told him I have no more money and just take what I already paid and make the best of it. He then told me he couldn’t give me a sixty year warranty. I told him I didn’t care as I don’t plan on living for sixty more years. He then started in on me saying he could lose his job, told him it wasn’t my problem. I had a heart to heart with my brother, who manages my RRSPs but my brother said something smells in the whole thing. I agree. I mean I have lived in this house for 22 years and it hasn’t fallen down yet. He is coming to see me tomorrow and my answer will remain the same. Something in me snapped. Like Cathy Bates in Fried Green Tomatoes became Towanda so did I. I will keep you all posted, thank you for caring.

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JJ401

Would the local municipal inspector come out to look at the work? We hired a contractor when we first bought this older home. We knew what needed to be done and it was detailed in our contract, but that wasn’t what the contractor was doing. The city inspector came out and it turned out the contractor, despite having told me he did, had not pulled permits. Plus most of the work was incorrectly done. We fired him.

Does your state have a contractor’s board? Our state does. We filed a complaint and got most of our money back. We only had to pay for the correctly done work, of which there was little.  

Stop them from doing any further work. Check with a lawyer about the options in your state.

Buggsroo

Strangely enough they are finishing the work today. I guess my refusing any more money did the trick. I expect them to be long gone soon. Towanda worked. I was fed up, if the house falls down so be it. I seriously doubt it will.

Ed1937

Buggs, it sounds like it could be a scam. You need to find out if this company is legitimate or not. Call the local code official, and ask if they do inspections for what was done. Any time contractors do just about anything here, permits and (maybe) inspections are required. This could be a company that needs their license pulled, if they have one.

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David J

Buggsroo, I don’t want to add to your stress, so I won’t!  Priority #1 is getting your husband placed. Forget about the house and contractor for now. After placement, when things calm down (they will!) then proceed with the house and contractor issues per good advice from the others, above. Pick your battles. I know that during my wife’s long journey, I made decisions which cost me money, but at the time were the best I could do. Stress, time, keeping the wife happy; all these things interfered with my decision making logic. If you do decide to proceed with the house issues at some future date, hire a civil engineer to examine your foundation and provide a report. This will be helpful in pursuing the contractor if you decide to do that, but primarily will be the basis for any remedial work needed. And yes, I’m a retired Licensed Professional Engineer.

Buggsroo

Thank you all for giving me great advice. The upshot is I paid $31,000 Canadian to get the foundation fixed. When I refused to pay 42,000 the job was wrapped up. I saw the waterproofing, the parging and the job. I have felt the walls etc, all dry. It is over. One day I may have to sell this place and well there will no doubt be a house inspection. We shall see. I checked online, no lawsuits, a few testimonials that were positive. I learned my lesson, painful as it was. 

I have filled out the forms to have my husband placed and will submit them to the social worker. I feel sad, drained etc. but know this will be best for both of us. I am learning to be a lot tougher, standing up to the foreman was a treat, I am liking the new me. 

I wanted you all to know what was going on because I read Hoot’s post about people who get advice but don’t let the forum know what’s up. Hoot has a valid point. I really value your input and I have found a lot of nice people here. Thank you all so much. I promise to keep you all updated as things progress.