Choosing “my battles”

JC5

I’m realizing more and more that I need to accept the things I cannot change. With that being said I am waving the white flag to a few things that only seem to be an issue to me. So now I am working on not getting upset when DH sleeps till 9:30/10:00. Then sits around in his pjs until 1:00. He tells me it’s too cold to go for a walk or he doesn’t want to walk around the grocery store with me, or go visit his buddies for coffee,  so there goes any physical exercise he did. I suggest he read the newspaper, work on the jigsaw puzzle, again I don’t feel like it .Reruns on tv is his friend - and so there goes any mental exercise he did.   My entire body tenses up, shoulders and arms ache. I don’t want to give up on encouraging him to do the things he should be doing but it is very stressful. And I know it will get worse! Any suggestions?

dayn2nite2

You are correct - this is a "you" problem.  In order to cope, you need to make sure you are attending to the things you need to outside the house and asking people or hiring people to stay with him at the house.  This is part of the disease and if you don't find a way to cope with it you will be forever upset.

toolbeltexpert

Jc5 your right about picking what is most important. What are you doing for you. I know that my body needed to move and do and stress caused me more grief. But taking care of you is most important. Watching things go down isn't easy, on you but he doesn't mind, he maybe happy as a clam, figuring out how you can be happy as a clam is really hard. I know this.

Stewart 

Just Bill

This is has been a huge lesson in frustration management for me. Once you separate your spouse from the disease it is no longer your spouse that perpetually frustrates you it is the disease. Watching someone you used to know intimately become someone different as they slowly lose there mind is a lot to process on it's own. I am happy when she isn't psychotic, but not being psychotic still isn't who she was. I forgot what she was like before her diagnosis, I have adapted to who she is becoming.  Not being able to reason with her is the thing that frustrates me most. She is living more and more in her own world and less in mine. What makes sense to her makes no sense to me. I don't see any of the hallucinations she sees. Where I have to pick my battles is what version of her reality do I need to correct. If she isn't hurting herself or putting herself in danger I let it go. If she is putting herself in harms way it is worth the argument that follows every time I correct her. She doesn't like to be corrected, she gets defensive and crazily argumentative. She will have a moment of clarity and listen to me and agree but that is forgotten in less than 5 minutes. So yes every day is a new lesson in frustration management.

Ed1937

JC, just my opinion, but I think you should just do what you can to make him as happy as possible, and as safe as possible. PERIOD! Why fight a losing battle that will only make it harder for you? Make it as easy as possible. Unfortunately it won't get better for any sustainable period of time.

JC5

Great advice everyone. Thank you so much. And with that I will heed your advice, put on my sneakers and go out for a nice, long walk before it rains! Does my mind and body good!

Gig Harbor

My husband walked 3-5 miles a day up until he went into care in July. Right now he does not even want to go outside and he does not want to walk at all. He doesn’t want to participate in the activities they have. He is happy sitting in a circle with others and occasionally watching TV. I am OK with this. I know he would not want to live any longer in care than is absolutely necessary. If he were normal I would encourage exercise and mental stimulation but he has a terminal illness and he would not want to extend his life and prolong living in memory care. I am concentrating on keeping myself healthy so I can watch over him.

Beachfan

Your husband is suffering from  “apathy”, just one more discouraging aspect of Alzheimer’s.  It is not that the patient won’t take part in activities; he can no longer generate an interest or initiate activity on his own.  All the prompting in the world will get you nowhere; just frustration for you.  As long as he is clean, fed, comfortable, safe, and experiences some physical movement throughout the day, he is probably content to sit quietly and it won’t hurt him.  This is the time when my DH was still at home  that I could get things done around the house and even step out for a short time to run an errand, shop, etc.  He is in a MCF for the past year and his apathy continues and has grown by leaps and bounds so that he no longer knows anyone nor does he react to much of anything.  It’s all very sad.

Dio

Everyone has pretty much covered everything. I had to learn to give up control. I only care if it's a matter of safety.

Oh how I wish my DH would sleep in and not bother me, even if just for a day.

JC5

Oh wow what eye opening responses! Thank you all! Appreciate your input!

Jarmac

In addition to “choosing battles” and giving up control, I feel like I am losing myself. While there is no point in being right, going along to get along…it is disheartening to realize one’s true opinion or thought no longer matters.

Paris20

JC5, you’re definitely getting there. Choosing your battles is a wise survival strategy. Going into my ninth year after DH’s diagnosis of AD, followed by a stroke 7 months ago, I look back on all my attempts to try to get my husband moving, eating better, getting up early, etc. It was of no real benefit to either of us. My husband stopped reading ages ago even though he can still read words, for example in a headline. Someone with AD, however, cannot follow an article, a plot, or a story because by the time they read a paragraph the content is forgotten. The same happens with TV shows. Forget about movies. One thing we know for sure is this condition is fatal. As our PCP told me, «He’s dying. Let him enjoy whatever he wants.»

JC5

So true and so sad!

Dio

Paris20 wrote:

... I look back on all my attempts to try to get my husband moving, eating better, getting up early, etc. It was of no real benefit to either of us. My husband stopped reading ages ago even though he can still read words, for example in a headline. Someone with AD, however, cannot follow an article, a plot, or a story because by the time they read a paragraph the content is forgotten. The same happens with TV shows. Forget about movies. One thing we know for sure is this condition is fatal. As our PCP told me, «He’s dying. Let him enjoy whatever he wants.»

Amen

Davegrant

Thanks for this topic. I am struggling with this and am at the point of wondering what are my rights to live my life outside of caregiving. I get away by hiring a DIL 4 hours a week but that is a crises for my DW.  Its activates her suspicion and she repetitively questions where I was and who did I see etc., I go on my computer one hour a week and since it is a zoom call she wants to look over my shoulder to make sure there are no women on the line. I will stop here as I made my point. She is demanding full control of my life and it drives me crazy. In the one response the doctor said he is dying give him what he wants but there must be some limits because we are all dying it just a matter of time. 

Dave

prov1kenobi

I feel your pain. my wife and I are my brother’s primary caregivers. recently, he has been lucid at times, but goes back into his own world after a dhort time. My wife used to be a live-in caregiver. so, she has had a lot of experience. She has revommended that I choose my battles carefully. I did that for a while, but recently realized that having any sort of a battle was detrimental to my own well-being. So, i just give in to his needs. 

Here is one little example. He has a hard-headed lab who loves to sneak outside when the front door when he can. He did just that a few minutes ago. i had to open the front door to see somebody. When I did the dog snuck outside into a non fenced area before I could stop him. So my brother saw that and yelled at me to get his dog in. The point is that he will let his dog out there anytime he wants. and sometimes, he tells me it is ok to let his dog out there. 

i did go out to bring his dog in. It was not a big deal, but I just did whatever I had to do to keep my brother happy. 

I chose well. That is what my wife taught me to do. 

We all need to make those good choices

Encouraged

My DH has moderate AD. He does not accept his diagnoses, I’m not even sure he remembers the neurologist talking with him after testing. When he has an issue related to AD, urinary problems should I even try to explain it is not the Doctors fault (he had a TURP surgery)? Should I ever mention the diagnosis,  for example when we talk about where to move to?

Ed1937

Encouraged, welcome to the forum. Sorry you have a need for it, but it's a good one when you do need it.

Your husband likely has anosognosia. Please take a few minutes to learn about it. Here is a link to explain about it. It is very common with dementia. https://www.agingcare.com/articles/anosognosia-dementia-patients-cant-recognize-impairment-210090.htm  

I wouldn't mention the diagnosis or the treatment. That will probably get him upset, and there is no real upside to it. Just try to keep him as happy as you can, and that will make it easier on you.

If you read all the threads you can, you will find a lot of information pertaining to caregiving. If you have specific questions, just start a new topic to get suggestions from people who actually care.