Involuntary commitment?(1)

NanaPam

Not sure what else to call it? My 86 YO dad is fine as long as I'm the only one caring for him. He will not allow respite care, my sister can help once in awhile but not enough to make a difference.  Frankly,  I'm done. He's in my home and I want him gone. I don't even care where... he's angry, his pathetic attempts to "control" his environment are driving me nuts. I've got no idea what to do at this point, no one is going to take him unless we medicate him into a vegetative state. He's convinced there's nothing wrong with him, the rest of us are delusional and irrational (hes a social worker and he can usually hold it together when being interviewed).

SusanB-dil

Ugh, NanaPam - certainly understand... sounds like enough.  Do you have POA? What would happen if you got some respite care anyway?   I'm sure others will have a more solid solution. A caregiver can only do so much, and you definitely need a break.  ((hugs))

You could call the 1-800-272-3900 alz helpline and they would probably have more options.

NanaPam

He's intimidating,  and because he's big, people are afraid of him.  He's not capable of hurting anyone, people are just intimidated.  And if I try to bring a respite caregiver in, he lies about being molested or strangled. He's just a nasty, angry nutcase. We tried to get him into a facility,  but they refused him. I think my husband and I are just screwed. He's used up the last of my patience, and my tolerance for his crap is gone..

Iris L.

NanaPam wrote:

 

 

 

 He's convinced there's nothing wrong with him, the rest of us are delusional and irrational 

He has anosognosia.  You have been trying to reason with him to get him to behave normally.  This will never work.  You should read about anosognosia.  Also read about delusions and paranoia in PWDs, what you are describing is common.  Medications can help.  Since you are at a breaking point, hospitalization in a geriatric psychiatric unit can be indicated.  You will have to plan a strategy to get him admitted.  Then, from there, to a long term care facility.  There are a lot of threads on the strategies that others have used.  But you have to work with geriatric professionals who understand dementia and delusions.

Iris L.

Ed1937

Do you have medical and financial POA? That is a big question. Is your sister the only sibling? It sounds like you are at the end of your rope, and your sibling(s) need to know that. Maybe it's time for them to take dad for a while. If he is aggressive, you will have a hard time finding a place that will accept him. If he gets aggressive with you, call 911. Ask for them to take him to a hospital, then tell the hospital that you cannot take him back home because it is not safe for you to do so. They will probably try to tell you that you have no choice because he is being released. If that happens, stick to your story. You will not take him back until treatment has him to the point where he is no longer a threat. With POA, you could probably have him put in a MC if they will take him. Other than that, I'm not sure what other options you have, or what your responsibilities are.

M1

NP, there is probably a middle ground in which medication could help control his behaviors without reducing him to a "vegetative state."  It may take hospitalization to achieve that:  my own route --and many others here--to memory care went through a geriatric psych hospitalization first.  You sound like you're at the end of your rope, so that may be the route you need to take.  As the others have said, hope you have power of attorney because you will need it to have that happen.

NanaPam

Yes, we have a POA. but if he refuses to go, no force on this earth will make him go, and he absolutely refuses to leave the house. So what if we get him into a facility,  they'll kick him out in a month unless he's a veg. He does not want too be anywhere except his home and nothing is going to change that.. I know this because he's a stubborn fool, and weve been trying for years.. My  sister would take him but he refuses to go.

 I'm long past the end of my rope,if I escaped for a weekend I'm pretty sure nothing could make me come back. 

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NanaPam

Dad was a manipulative social worker,  and he's still quite manipulative.  He's attempting to tell me who I may or may not speak to. Who I may invite to the house.  He listens in on conversations and demands complete attention anytime its momentarily diverted from him. He brags about lying to get what he wants and in the next breath accuses anyone he's pissed at of attempting to strangle him or sexually molesting him. This is him attempting to control his environment. No one believes a word he says anymore. Yes,  his brain is rotting, but I find I just don't care anymore. Not sure how calling the alzheimers people will make a difference,  there's nothing anyone can do except blow smoke.

No one will take him,  I've already tried. I don't challenge him, I barely speak to him. No point in arguing with crazy. My dad was a loving, caring, intellectual, gentle man. Now he's this angry old man who sits around in his underwear, glued to a TV at the highest volume possible,  not because he cant hear it, but becausr he doesn't understand it.

ElCy

My DH became aggressive. Drugs have not turned him into a vegetable. They have helped him become a wonderful, loving man. He would not have been admitted to MC before. Now, the caregivers tell me he is the sweetest, most helpful resident.

If he won’t leave the house. Talk to his doctors and get him new meds asap! Hide them in his food if you have to! 

You are asking for help but seem to think everything anyone offers does not apply to you. 

Drugs will help. Both you and your dad.

MN Chickadee

His brain is sick and he cannot change. This is a fact of dementia. The only thing that can change is your approach/attitude and his medicine. Whether any of this behavior has some degree of being intentional or he was like this before dementia or he used to be manipulative - that is all irrelevant now. His illness will not allow him to learn, absorb new information, process logic, or change. Many people find personality traits become more intense as the disease progresses and that is normal for the disease. Many families can find a medicine that dials back the delusions and aggression without making the person sedated. This is best assessed by a geriatric psychiatrist or other dementia specialist. However it sounds like you are done being his caregiver and not interested in changing approaches or investing time in parsing out this aspect of medical care. You might consult his physician on getting him admitted to a geriatric psych unit (sometimes called a senior behavioral health unit.) There a person stays a few weeks (usually on an involuntary hold) until they find the right meds to make care possible, and from there you would have him transferred to a memory care facility for the long haul once he is stable on new medication. You might also contact an attorney about removing yourself from care duties and from POA. That could mean a different family member becoming POA or he becomes a ward of the state or something else, but you do not sound like you want to fulfill your duties as POA and need to extract yourself. But do get legal advice so you don't open yourself up to legal problems. He is currently your legal responsibility as a vulnerable adult and you need to follow processes for this.

toolbeltexpert

Nanapam it sounds like it's gonna come to a crisis point of some sort then it's all gonna be on what you do. You have the choices of medication, or not, placement or not. My dw came to the crisis point and like your dd, she could present very well, but only for so long. She went to the er to a geripsych 6 weeks,the to a snf then to a mcf, where she is now. Medicines have definitely change her behaviors, is she a vegetable no! period. Does she have some side effects yes as of now they are not life threatening but a nuisance is she still declining yes, there is no stopping that.

I get it, he is big and intimidating, if that's the case when it comes time, use that in your favor, he is not safe at home and neither are you. Trust me it will come to a crisis point or some other medical emergency will take him.  You need to take care of you as well, you sure to sound like your at wits end as many of us have been, you will be no good to your dad if stress takes you out first, many caregivers will die before the one they care for! I know it took a tremendous toll on me, I have lost 20 lbs and many a sleepless night, but now that I have my dw safe and getting the help she needed. Now I am a lot better I sleep well and though I haven't gained the weight back I really didn't need too.

None of this is going to be easy and I will repeat myself. 

You need to be the one who makes the call if you have the poa, none of this is going to be easy, so many emotions try to keep us from really doing what really needs to be done. It was an intense experience for me placing my wife of 44yrs. I can not say what it's like for you he is your dad and now he is going away, no if ands or but about it.

I hope you recieve my words in a spirit of caring and not hurtful. I am not the most articulate person on here, but I know where all this is going cause I have been this far in the big d journey. Sorry if I am hard to follow. Others will be more articulate.

Stewart