Dealing With Adult Day Care Refusal

mommafour

I am working on a solution to help DH have a better quality of daily life while its still possible.  He sleeps at least 10-12 hours per night, gets up to take his medication and assist with caring for the dogs, then goes back to bed.  Some days he does not get up until mid to late afternoon, then he's still able to sleep all night.  He's not necessarily asleep while in bed during the day but drifts in and out.  He tells me he's not depressed but just very bored. It is not due to medication. He also refuses to eat anything other than peanut butter and crackers and a quart of ice cream daily.  I prepare meals but he will not eat them (I swear my cooking is not that bad, lol).  I cannot force him to sleep less or eat healthier meals. I thought about leaving him alone and let him do whatever makes him happy but this behavior may affect his health. Also, he is declining lately and soon it may not be safe to leave him alone. I consulted his doctors and Adult Day Care has been suggested as a solution. He would have others to talk with, activities to do, and healthy meals (if he will eat).  He would only need to attend 3 days per week while I am at work because I work from home 2 days per week to be with him. I'll be receiving a call from a social worker at the VA soon with possible facilities.  The huge problem is that he has already strongly indicated his refusal to go. I don't call it "Adult Day Care" in discussions and instead a "Senior Activity Center" and asked his dr. to please do the same.  I explained he'll have men his age also attending who may listen to his (wild crazy) life stories. It's difficult to explain here his strong personality, but I am certain that I won't be able to force him to even visit a place. Anyone experience these issues with their LO?

Ed1937

If you could get him to try it, he might like it. I see you're from Indy. I'm about 165 miles north of you. There must be several places nearby that offer this kind of environment. Here's a link to a video that might be helpful. I hope it is. When Someone with Dementia Refuses to do Something   

60 falcon

Being bored was a big problem for my wife too.  I was convinced she wouldn't tolerate or willing go to to an adult daycare either.  But I found one and told her it was a place to just hang out and talk with people for a little while.  I somehow convinced her that it might be fun and nice to just have someone else to talk with besides me.  It worked and was one of the things I should have started months before I did.  I think I started with something like four hours and went to full eight hour days.  The first day or two was kind of rough and then there were definitely bad days as she progressed, but it worked. She enjoyed "hanging out with the Ladies" and she actually looked forward to it. We never called it adult day care either, just a place to hangout with her lady friends.

Mommafour, don't give up hope.  Give it a try and you both might be pleasantly surprised.  I think the people working at the daycare have a whole lot to do with wether it'll work for your husband.

M1

Tough call Momma.  I think 60falcon's input is important because he's been there.  But a fine line--apathy and loss of executive function are part of the disease, and you may or may not be able to work around that.  

As for the food, I absolutely wouldn't fight that battle.  If that's what he wants to eat, so be it.  Hard to know how much of this behavior is negatively affecting his health OR is caused by it.  

toolbeltexpert

I think ts is the place to get such great advice. Mommafour no matter what, your attitude will play a big part,if it's great ham it up. I think your doing a great job. I have not done day care but I did find some very nice places while I was touring facilities and wondered if my dw would have done it? I'll never know now, she is in memory care and that has been a hard row to hoe so far. I hope it goes well.

Stewart

nancyj194

Mommafour, I agree with M1 about eating problems. 

My DH eats a Costco blueberry muffin for breakfast. The muffins are huge but he eats every bite. Lunch, he makes his own ham and cheese sandwich and has chips with it and an Izzy drink. Dinner he eats very little. He eats no snacks throughout the day because if he does, he won't eat dinner.

He has a glass of red wine with dinner and a gin and tonic in the evening.  I wish he would stop drinking alcohol, but he refuses to.  I do not drink anything except water. lol He used to drink two glasses of wine and two gin and tonics, but his appetite has declined so over the last few years, he no longer does that.

I have chosen not to fight the food/drinking battle or the shower battle. It is just too stressful for both of us.  

mommafour

Ed1937 - thank you for the video.  Very helpful.  I recalled that you are also from Indiana.  Indy does have some great facilities.  I'm hoping I can get him to agree to at least try it out for a couple of hours.  This may take awhile to convince him.

mommafour

60 Falcon - Thanks for your suggestion.  That's similar to what my daughter told me...she said I may be overthinking and expecting the worst, while he ends up surprising me and enjoying the experience.  I can only hope that is how this ends up.

M1 and Nancyj194 - I agree.  We were at his dr.'s office yesterday and she started to lecture him about his food intake.  I thought to myself that he won't remember what she's telling him and I won't be able to force him to eat something better anyway. 

Toolbeltexpert - I agree with you that my attitude makes a difference in his attitude.  I try to be annoyingly cheerful when he first wakes up, even when I'm stressed, because that seems to set the tone for his day.  

Jo C.

Nothing ventured, nothing gained as my mother used to say . . . however; we sure do burn our daylight hours "venturing."  I do recall several different people here who began the entry into Daycare by of course calling it a different name, and also the well spouse attending the first couple of days with their LO.  After a few days spent together at Daycare, then the well spouse was able to exit stage left.

Also, some LOs are told that they are working at the Daycare as a volunteer and the Daycare staff usually accommodates that and gives some small bits of work to do during the day.

Do screen the Daycares; they are different from one another from quality and breadth of programs, to hours open as well as costs and staffing.  Some accept incontinent clients; others do not.  Some are underwritten and staffed to even provide showers.  Some have active programs but also provide a number of recliner chairs for those who seem to need to rest a bit.  Some are non-profit and never turn anyone away, and some accept Medicaid. 

I hope you find a good fit and that he really enjoys going. If you attend a few days or so with him at first, he may accept going out of the house more readily.

Let us know, 

J.

Ernie123

My DW is now in a MC facility. Before that for a few years I managed to get her to a day program every week but it was a struggle every time. I avoided talking about it and would just get her coat and say we were going for a drive or some other excuse. Come up with any fib or reason. Any attempt to discuss would only get her upset and angry.  Once there, she always enjoyed it, smiling, trying to chat etc. She was quite happy to be with a small group of friendly people playing bingo or making crafts. I would discreetly exit and have a few hours to myself. When I picked her up she was always in a good mood, said how nice the people were. Then the next week repeat the scenario. She couldn’t remember the previous visits and her enjoyment. Her first response to anything was usually NO, probably because her world was confusing and she wanted the security of staying home. So just get him there with minimal discussion and or fibs and once there he will forget he didn’t want to go hopefully.

Vitruvius

My experience was very similar to Ernie123's. At first it was often a bit difficult to get my DW to go to her day care program. Yet when I talked to the staff they assured me she enjoyed herself and fully participated. I came to realize that the difficulty was she didn't like leaving me. I too didn't say where we were going until we were there, at least for the first few months. Eventually she seemed to accept it as normal and mostly went without issue. Occasionally she still was difficult about it as her moods waxed and waned. The staff was great on those days and coaxed her out of the car and into the facility expertly. 

In fact after a few months, on days there was no day care she became restless feeling she was supposed to be going somewhere so on those days we often took a drive to satisfy that urge.

JJAz

I called it the "Men's Club."  One day he said, "Did you know that there are women too?"  I told him, "What can you do.  Equal rights and all that stuff."  LOL

ghphotog

I've taken my DW to daycare a few times. They specialize in alz. My wife never wants to go but is all smiles when I pick her up. The staff are wonderful, they greet her with smiles and hugs. They cover for me when my DW starts looking for me and asking where I am. I only wish I could afford to take her more often.

They also handle incontinence. I just have to provide a clean set of clothes.

I just call it the activity center for lack of a better word. 

Jeff86

I’m afraid my efforts to get DW to adult day care were unsuccessful, due to her resistance.

I met with the director of the facility, who was great, and had a tour.   Staff was great, activities were varied, it was co-located with a nursery school with some well supervised interactions.

Took DW for a short day intro (2 hours plus lunch).  She did not want to participate in the activities and refused to stay for lunch.  Abject failure, and DW was adamant about not trying it again.

Inadvertently, I’d left out on a counter a brochure from the adult day care service, which was called ‘Your Second Home.’  On the brochure, DW wrote in anger, “I have a home.  I don’t want a second home.”

Never could get her to try it again.  DW might be more amenable now (more progressed, less resistant) but the facility closed when Covid hit, and never re-opened.

YMMV, and I hope it does.