Not sure how to cope

????

Recently my wife gets up from bed and starts the morning complaining about what I am doing, or how I am doing it or what I did not do.  Every morning she is taking shots at me.  She can no longer drive, her short term memory is very bad etc.  I am doing my best to keep everything going, but it is hard to start off the day with her being critical of very small things.  I have tried talking to her about it, but it is the same thing everyday.  Last week I attended a therapy appointment with her at the request of the therapist.  The therapist told her that these kind of things add to my stress, which will make me unhealthy.  When we found out my wife of almost 45 years had Alzheimer's I promised her that I was here for the whole journey and would keep her at home as long as I can.  Not looking forward to this journey.

Ed1937

Hello ????. Welcome to the forum. Sorry you're dealing with this too. If you're in for trying something, let's try this. When she gets up in the morning, before she can criticize you, "There's my beautiful wife!" Then give her a kiss on the cheek. We have to stay one step ahead of them, and this has the potential of being a game changer for you (and her). If this doesn't work, we have to try something else, but there are a lot of upsides to trying it.

M1

Adding my welcome too.  So sorry you need to be here.  Rookie thing (we have all done it) is trying to reason with her--her reasoner is broken.  It is very hard, especially with a lifelong spouse, to change your patterns of behavior; whereas in the past talking with her about conflicts would have been the obvious right approach, it isn't any more.    There's no more trying to get her to see your side of things (any more than there would be with a toddler).   Ditto with having her go to a therapist--probably a waste of money (for her to go, not necessary for you to go).   If the therapist doesn't get that--then you need a different therapist.

You just have to do the right thing.  But there's tremendous loss of the partnership in that.  

There are many wise caregivers on this forum, you will learn a lot if you read a lot of threads.  

ghphotog

Sorry your on this journey, it's long and hard. My wife gets up crying every morning not knowing where she is or how she got here. Pleads with me to take her home, etc. This is every single morning for the last 8 months. Give or take a month. Hang in there, you'll make it but it will stretch you farther than you thought possible but everyone here is there right now or has completed the trip. We understand what you are going through.

 I still have a long way to go and many days I don't think this long goodbye will ever be over for me but it will.

Then I'll probably have a battle with guilt and remorse thinking about how I could've done things better or that I should've been a stronger person and appreciated her love for me more than I did before it started.

David J

????-

To add to the excellent advice from Ed and M1, your wife needs the right kind of doctor manage her meds. A geriatric psychiatrist or psychopharmacologist (psychiatrist who uses meds, not talk therapy). Early on, my wife was seeing both a psychiatrist and a therapist, but after a while the therapist was dropped. My wife was no longer able to think and react to what the therapist was saying. We stuck with the psychiatrist, and he stuck with us, right to the end. He and I had a good relationship and worked together to adjust her meds as necessary. 

David

Jo C.

This journey is one of constantly learning; up and up the rungs of the learning ladder we consistently need to go and boy; I sure did learn flying by the seat of my pants and as said, the learning never stops.

I did valiantly try to reason with and explain, and sadly sometimes even rather argue with my Loved One (LO) regarding the behaviors and erroneous beliefts that began to exhibit themselves. That of course garnered me more upset behavior and lashing out and complaining.

The nice people here taught me that validating feelings behind the words and NOT reacting to the words themselves is likely to make a difference and actually really did make a difference.  Validation, even if it is not true; even if you are being blamed for something not fact, is the best way to respond.  "You are right; I am sorry I did (even if you did not do) that.  I have made you upset and angry (or sad or frightened or whatever) because of my mistake (or action or whatever).  I will do better next time. Short explanation and validation of feelings.  THEN:  Immediately refocus her onto something else whether going to get tea or coffee and a snack, or to show her a bird or other thing outside the window in an excited voice, or to say something new in an excited voice; "Oh gosh, forgot to tell you did you hear that . . . (whatever.)"

Ed's idea to give a kiss on her cheek and compliment is also a very good one.  We learn to use such validation and also to use, "therapeutic fibs" to be able to keep our LOs on an even keel and defuse potentially negative situations or to get things done.  First time I told a lie to get something accomplished that truly needed doing, I felt like the earth would open and swallow me up; I value honesty - but I learned very quickly that such fiblets are a kindness to our LOs and defused much angst.

As for therapy; our LOs do not benefit from therapy.  Their logic and ability to process and integrate, retain and benefit from such dynamics is no longer there.   She will not retain any of her therapy nor process such input for the day to day interactions.  Our LOs no longer live within our time frame or our real world reality, so we must enter theirs.   When she has false beliefs and blames things not within reality, it is the beginning of delusional thinking. Delusions being rigid false beliefs.  They are as real to her as the chair you are sitting on.  So . . validate the feelings, refocus and distract and see try to get yourself some respite from time to time.  Perhaps as things move forward, to hire a nice companion to distract and engage her and be with her a few hours a day a couple times a week, or to hire someone to come in and assist whether with housekeeping or with helping your wife with care or bathing, etc. if that becomes necessary depending on her condition.

Our LOs do best with routine and structure, change is the enemy as is clutter to the home setting or too much noisy input.  This is all part of the process.  You are a good husband trying to do his best under very trying circumstances, do try to get that bit of respite for yourself to help de-stress a bit.

Let us know how you are and how things are going, we will be thinking of you and we care.

J.

Lucifer

Newbie...I managed a Father, two Mothers and two Aunts from the beginning to end of Alzheimer's or dementia or whatever you want to label it but now at 76 my wife is slipping down the slippery slide. I know how  to manage her and am financially able to do whatever will be necessary. I am tired. I get depressed. I do about everything around the house including all meals, gardening, house cleaning, shopping, everything but the laundry which she does endlessly. Unless the grandchildren are here she is either on the telephone or watches TV. By afternoon I have to have a stiff drink to get a buzz on to continue working around the  house. Summertime I golf twice a week with a bunch of seniors but now we are house bound. How does everyone else cope without meds or alcohol?

Dio

Hi ????, my DH does the same but throughout the day. It's very hard to swallow when being criticized left and right while already stressed to the max being the sole caregiver 24/7.

Ed has a great suggestion which I will definitely try. Thanks, Ed. Although it'll be short lived cuz he won't remember any of it within 2 minutes so I'll have to play ground hog day.

PookieBlue

Lucifer,

This is such a difficult life for spousal caregivers. We no longer have the support and comfort we formally counted on from our life partners when we found ourselves in a funk. Therefore, it takes us a lot longer to get past the lows that we feel so often. I’ve noticed the past couple of months that I only have enough motivation to do the caregiving and little else to keep up with the house. It’s like I have brain block and have just let the other things slide. I get to them, when I get to them. Unfortunately, a couple of bills became a bit late as I was spacing everything off. I know I will get by this slump, and so I’m not going to beat myself up too badly. I just needed to mentally remove myself from something, anything.

Instead of keeping up with household chores, I spent time researching The Battle of The Bulge where my Dad was captured. It was fascinating and distracted me from the sadness that surrounds me. I also started to write down my own memories and discovered that my mind is pretty packed. It would seem that I shouldn’t have to worry much about my cognitive decline, but who knows?

I hope you can step away from some of your self imposed obligations or delegate them to someone else. Find something that can give you an inkling of pleasure and distract you from as much negative as you can. I’ve been surviving this ordeal without medication or alcohol, but  anything in moderation may be beneficial for some folks. Wishing you the best. Know that you are not alone.

Davegrant

????

Welcome to the forum.  My coping strategy is that I get up every morning and go on line to read the comments and suggestions from others who are having similar experiences with their LO. This reminds me that I am not alone and others have greater challenges than I , which reminds me to be grateful. This week my dw had a tough time due to her suspicion and jealousy and one result was that i was taken on an emotional roller coaster. Today , as I write this I have a hard time finding the words to tell what it was all about. I know I sought out a senior center adviser to give me council on my dw's suspicion, delusions and jealousy.  I needed to talk to a live person and she has made it known that she is available. Just talking to another person helped. 

I do give dw a hug in the morning and it does help but I am thinking that I have a lot more to learn about strategies to stay out in front of her dementia because dw is willing to let me do all the household chores including cooking , shopping and finances, she is less able to let me  handle the relationship with the children. Since the holidays are approaching and the opportunties for interaction are frequent , I will have to remind the children not to give their attention to me but to focus their attention on grandma. They understand. 

Dave

Jarmac

3 am this morning  SO was up. Diarrhea, and nausea. He still doesn’t feel well. Happens frequently. He is debating whether to go to the VA to be checked. He asked me what was on my mind. I listed 20 things I had to do today. I asked him what was on his list…”nothing, I don’t worry about it”. Sums up the differences between us. I get a lot of criticism about my actions. He usually does the driving, but I drove yesterday. Complaints, criticism and endless questions.

TGetch

Lucifer....oh my goodness!! That's a lot of Alzheimers in your lifetime. I can't imagine. I've been caring for my spouse for 10 years. Some days I think I'm going to lose it. I drink alcohol but don't use it to destress as I have alcoholism in my family. I use CBD oil. I actually give it to my spouse as well to help with his anxiety. And was hoping it would help with the disease. I take it daily, in the am and at night. I'm glad your are able to get some respite (golfing). That is probably the best thing. Do you have an organization that is helping you with that?

ghphotog

Coping is ongoing and really depends on the day. Alcohol and cannabis helps me. I usually need a couple of beers and hits of THC. The cannabis actually helps me cut down on my drinking but I still drink too much on occasion but if I over do it just by one beer then I can barely cope at all the next day. Three beers is my limit but in particularly stressful days I'll push it.

Cannabis at night mostly to help me sleep. I haven't smoked weed in 40 years but I have to say I don't lose any inhibitions and way less likely to do something dumb. Yesterday was stressful and after 3 beers I was heading for more but after a couple hits I poured the fourth down the sink and I am very glad I did or today would be pure hell, no pun intended.