I'm going to challenge you

Ed1937

This thread might not get any replies at all, but here goes --

Just about everyone here will be forced to deal with a not so friendly situation, daily. Here's my challenge to you. When you have to deal with that situation, stop to think how you can respond to it in a way that might make it easier. This can even be done as you are reacting. Then consider what your auto response would have been if you simply reacted without thinking about it. It doesn't matter if that situation is considered by you to be major or minor. This is about trying something that might actually work to make things easier for one or both of you. PLEASE TRY IT!

Then tell us what happened, what your auto reaction would have been, and how you decided to handle it. Then tell us if it worked or not. This is your moment - show us what you've got!

Crushed

Mine are minor and more than 5 years old When I was the 24/7/365 caretaker

DW constantly wanted to think of herself in control , the trick was to let her think that  but make decisions for her. 

She could spend and hour trying to decide what to wear  so i developed a routine 

We always took showers together in the morning for over 40 years.  After a shower I wous lhad her the hair dryer  she loved the hair dryer and could spend 10=15  minutes drying herself with the nice warm air.  I would pull out her clothes jewelry underwear everything  and fold it on the chair the way she always did.  she even had little bags for jewelry and so forth

 When she came out she saw it on the chair and assumed she had already done it

Similarly our local restaurants knew exactly what she wanted and would  put the order in when we came through the door. I would always tell her that it was very smart that she had ordered ahead .from   "we did ?  I said "of course.:  variations of this worked in many places   

 

Ed1937

OK, somebody has to accept my challenge. When something happens today, you won't forget about this thread.

ghphotog

Hi Ed, I think I'm trying to do that already every day if I understand the challenge correctly. My "auto" responses are always evolving if you will. It just depends on the day. Some days it's easier than others to keep my emotions in check. Some days it takes everything I have not to punch holes in the wall but it's those days that I have to bring it back into perspective and guard against a negative auto response..

 I get a lot of migraines and one precipitating symptom that happens a day or two before is I become extremely agitated and very impatient. It's one thing I hate about myself and I'm always trying to guard against.

 Did I understand the challenge correctly?

Arrowhead

My wife is usually easy to work with, but once in a while she becomes defiant. Most of the time I have no problem changing her diaper. However, sometimes she just doesn’t want to let me change it. She is a physically strong woman, and I can’t force her. I have learned that, in that situation, to back off and wait 5 or 10 minutes before making another attempt. She usually lets me change her the second time.

Ed1937

ghphotog wrote:

 Did I understand the challenge correctly?

I think so. As an example, my wife used to need help cleaning up after an accident. It was always an argument when I had to help her. One day instead of getting upset, I just told her I knew it was really hard for her. I told her I loved her, and we would work together on the problem. I kept repeating that it was OK. I knew it was hard for her, but working together we would get it done. I never mentioned that it was hard for me, but because I showed a little empathy, her demeanor took on a new life, and she was more agreeable to letting me clean her up. She still wasn't happy about it, but it was so much easier on both of us. My auto reaction would have been "OK here we go again. Now get in the shower because I'm going to get you cleaned up." Then the yelling would start. So I had to think "outside the box". It really does work. At least some of the time. If it doesn't, we try a different way. Just not the auto response.

JC5

While I was decorating the living room for Christmas  DH went downstairs to get the lights out for the bushes. Come to find out he took every string of lights we have and spread them all over the basement ! My initial reaction would have been to get upset, but I help my temper and asked him which ones he wanted to use outside. He said he didn’t know so I suggested the bush lights. He agreed, and thus a not so friendly situation was avoided, however lights still all over the basement! However an hour later as DH continued to follow me from room to room, and just sit and stare at what I was doing I created that not so friendly situation by asking him to stop following me around the house. He was not happy and I feel guilty

Ed1937

JC, excellent! That probably made it better for both of you.

Twin Mom

So I blew the challenge.  Hubby stated he thought he needed hearing aids.  He had taken an online test which indicated he had profound hearing loss and thus the need for hearing aids.  Oh there are so many responses that I could have offered...but no ...out of my mouth came the one where I reminded him how sensitive to noise he is and that he is constantly asking us to be quiet, and shutting the kid's bedroom doors because music or laughter may drift into the hallway....and the last thing we needed was for him to hear better.....wow...did I ever blow it...he has not spoken to me since and went off to bed still mad. 

I do think he has a "hearing " problem as he has great difficulty following conversations or tv etc....but the real issue is a processing problem not a "hearing" problem.  He does have a disability rating for hearing with the VA but it is at 0%...I will get him in to have it checked and if they deem there is a correctable loss they can take care of it and also up his percentage.\

I feel so badly because I didn't "hear" him and I think he just really needed to be heard and validated.  Ugh...this is so hard.

ghphotog

My DW has so many "accidents". Many times in the car. I would get home as fast as I could while holding her hand all the way home. Then o would get her clothes off, clean her up all the while holding her, consoling her, getting her cleaned up, getting her clothes washed and put aside for the next time. All in love.

Joydean

Ed I have been trying the thinking outside the box. Sometimes it works for me but honestly I still screw up. Dh has been progressing a lot lately and that’s why I haven’t been writing. My stress levels are really up not just because of him. I can explain that later. But to your challenge. This morning dh asked “ if I get up before you do can I wake you up “  I’m always up before him. So of course I said sure you can. If he asked me once he asked a dozen times. Finally before he went to bed just a few minutes ago he asked me again. My first thought was No! But I took a few minutes to answer. I asked him why would you want to wake me. His answer was “because something might be wrong with you “  My heart hurt so much for him. All I could do was hold him in my arms, assure him how much I love him and yes you can always wake me up .

Ed1937

So we didn't have thousands of people taking the challenge, but I think there were enough replies to show that it's worth trying. We really do have a little control of how stressful a situation can be. Thanks for the replies.

ghphotog

Ed, yep. We are all growing in to it and learning as we go. I've blown it many times and said or did the wrong thing that just made the situation worse. Hard as hell sometimes not to but I try harder the next time.

Twin Mom

My positive is hopefully I will remember from my mistake and most importantly hubby woke up and seems to have forgotten....and I'm sure not going to ask...but we have returned to our "norm"

Just Bill

For me, when the poo hits the fan blades I have trained myself to take deep breaths instead of letting my temper try to handle the situation. Frustration is a constant. The big events are easier to deal with than the accumulation of small events. Take a big deep breath or 10 or 20 or 30 or whatever it takes for however long it takes 1 set 5 sets or 20 sets and just let it go.

David J

During one of our ER visits, I was helping the nurses keep my wife calm as they catheterized her. There was physical restraint, which she didn’t like at all. She looked up at me with the most vile expression and screamed “I HATE YOU”!  I smiled, patted her on the shoulder, and said “I know, dear.”  She went silent and the nurses laughed.

JC5

Sent a reply yesterday but had to respond today. Each day brings a new challenge to deal with and our emotions are different each day. Yesterday wasn’t so bad but today was a challenge. Thank you Ed for bringing this to light! Started my day on confronting that negative space and fell through the hole but decided to turn it around and hopefully tonight will be much better! Your words resonated in my mind! Tks for making me think and rethink!

Bob in LW

My challenge is to avoid reminding my SO of her severe short term memory loss.  A couple of days ago, we were out shopping, and she purchased a large box of Christmas cards.  A couple of hours later she said that she needed to go out and buy some more cards and I told her that she had just purchased some that day.  That caused her to fret about "not having a brain anymore".  The next time she mentioned needing more cards, I simply told her that there are some sitting on her desk in our home office.  That worked much better since it didn't remind her of her memory problem.