I hate the question Are you married?

JoseyWales

It seems like such a simple question. I've been asked this several times in the past month or so. First, when shopping for new car insurance. Yes, I'm technically married. He's in a nursing home. So no, I probably don't want to include him as a driver.

Second, when having to fill out yearly paperwork at my job with the rep who comes in and is required to meet with all employees. Yes, I'm married. No, I'm not including him in anything. Why? I answered "It's complicated." I didn't feel like explaining to this stranger about early onset dementia. He probably thought I was going through a divorce.

And then well-meaning people I meet ask me this. It seems like a normal question to ask people you just meet. But.... I just hate the question. I can answer yes, and it's commonly followed up with "What does he do?" 

There's no good answer to this. I don't feel married. You can't be married to someone who doesn't know you. I'm not a widow. I'm in this in-between land that hardly anyone but us gets to experience. And I hate it.

Jeff86

Totally right, JW.   Ambiguous loss also means ambiguous status.

It’s an uncomfortable place to be.

Ed1937

I absolutely understand where you're coming from. It's like you're in limbo. Oddly enough, I still feel married. I guess that's because she was not to the point where I couldn't still be in her world, at least part of the time before she passed. Christmas Eve will mark 6 months for her.

Crushed

I always say I am married De jure (legally) but not De facto  (in reality)
 
My spouse is not competent to do anything  and I hold her durable power of attorney
That suffices for almost all purposes 
Socially everyone  knows about DW's  situation.

Legally in Maryland I would be entitled to a divorce just by asking for it. (a court would of course protect her financially) 

Do I feel married?  no  
Do I take the best care of DW that I possibly can?  yes 

I will say one female friend  says I am more devoted to DW than most husbands who have a wife at home !!   I asked DW to marry me 50 years ago this month.  We had a wonderful life together .
My oven is fixed Brownies for DW were my first baking 

Marie58

I think it was on this forum that I heard the term 'married widow'. Brought tears to my eyes as it's so true. 

Josey, sometimes if there's questions I'll say he's disabled. That usually stops further questions.

Stuck in the middle

A woman who was long separated from her husband told me "I'm married, but I have no husband."  I thought that summed it up pretty well.

dayn2nite2

I would choose to answer that question as "no."  Because in most ways you aren't and it usually will shut down further questions.  Or, in the case of a creep you can say an enthusiastic YES and hope that ends further questioning.

Gig Harbor

I joined a single womens group once I placed my husband because I wanted to meet others who were not part of a couple. I am the only one whose husband is in memory care but they have totally understood my reason for joining. Having planned outings that I can choose to join has made a big difference this Christmas. So far I have seen a play and three jazz concerts that I would never have gone to either with my husband or alone.

ImMaggieMae

Yes. For better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health. He will always be my husband, no ifs ands or buts.

Crushed

dayn2nite2 wrote:

  Or, in the case of a creep you can say an enthusiastic YES and hope that ends further questioning.

Got to tell a story 

Twenty years ago I was at a conference and I met a very attractive woman engineer in a connected area .  I bought her a drink at the hotel bar and we were chatting about work . .  She looks straight at me and says   let me make it clear, I don't sleep with married men
I looked right back at her and said "what an amazing coincidence, neither do I "

She fell off her chair laughing , we later wrote 6 papers together and she has been a pillar of strength for me with DW.     
 

Ed1937

Gig Harbor wrote:

I joined a single womens group once I placed my husband because I wanted to meet others who were not part of a couple.

Gig, that was a great move. I'm glad it's working out for you.

Crushed

ImMaggieMae wrote:

Yes. For better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health. He will always be my husband, no ifs ands or buts.

he abandons you for a bimbo
Same reply ?  

DW is my wife dejure not defacto  

David J

Josey,

It’s worse when your spouse asks you that question. I would answer that yes, I am married to you, which of course she denied. 

David

JoseyWales

David - DH used to ask me that all the time. If I said "Yes, to you", he'd get upset because he thought I might be married to someone else, or he'd be upset because he couldn't remember that we were married. I learned to tell him no, and then ask him if he wanted to marry me. That always worked.

JoseyWales

We need some kind of term for those of us who don't feel married, but don't feel NOT married.

JoseyWales

Gig - I like the idea of joining a singles group. That's something I may look into in the future. For some reason I still feel exhausted all the time, and the thought of going out makes me just want to go to sleep.

Gig Harbor

It is called Essentially Single which is sort of true. I joined a Bunco group as a way of getting out at night and meeting new people. I found it on FB when they were looking to add some new members. Most are a lot younger than I am but they are  so friendly and welcoming and fun it takes me back to my younger years. When the time comes to leave the house in the dark on a rainy night I don’t want to go but I do, and I am always glad that I did it. My husband is in memory care and I visit him but I also wanted and needed to have my own life. He is happy and in order for me to feel normal I need to get out. I am feeling much happier these days.

Crushed

JoseyWales wrote:

We need some kind of term for those of us who don't feel married, but don't feel NOT married.

That is why I use

 dejure   (As a matter of law) 

and
 
defacto  (as a matter of feeling and reality)


DW was a physician de jure
long after she had had to stop practicing in any way  "de facto"

Paris20

I understand the complicated, even ambivalent feelings most of us face once our LO is in a nursing home. My husband still knows me but he is no longer himself in any other way. Having a stroke 7 months ago made him completely dependent on others yet he does not understand that he is disabled. The anasognosia he had when it was «just Alzheimer’s» is equally present when it comes to his paralysis. He doesn’t even recognize that he is in a wheelchair. He fights the aides when they try to explain why he needs assistance for everything. I sit there watching his confusion, his explosions, and his inability to understand or remember. Am I married? Yes. Is this my husband of 58 years? No.

CStrope

I agree with Crushed.  My husband was someone that laughed with me, talked politics with me, and conversed with me on so many things.  The 6'2" person that I now  live with is not that man.  About a month ago, I was doing some painting and took off all my rings including my wedding ring, I have not put it back on.  For some reason it feels okay to not have it on.  

At the stage DH is currently in, we don't go out much, so nobody is questioning my marital status, with or without the ring, but for me it's been a sort of emotional acceptance of where my life is currently at.   Having a husband has always meant having a partner.  I no longer have a partner.

Anna2022

My DH is in early stages, or so I thought. Last night he asked me if we ever got married. We've been together for 20 years but got officially married a few years ago (small courthouse ceremony). His question shocked me but didn't shock me - both at the same time. The hits just keep coming.

riajean

Perfect Maggie Mae, though I do like the term "married widow".  Yes, I, too hate with all my being that question because I don't want to explain, so that pushes me to STAY home, alone which doesn't really help, but keeps me in the cocoon in which I take solace and find comfort.

After all, people are more satisfied when they meet you if you just stick to "all's well" or "I'm fine".  If you start to explain and your facial expression changes, they back away.  Only best friends really want to know (BUT, I'm finding they're also backing away....just can't handle it, but it's OK for ME TO HANDLE.)

sucks

French

This post let me feeling strangely. Indeed, I never married. We signed what we call here a solidarity pact. So it always had sense, I was in solidarity even when he couldn’t anymore return it.

But I was shocked to discover after his death that the tax services were considering me as a « widow ». In my imagination, a widow is old, wears black clothes… 

But yes, Josey, I can imagine what you feel. Marriage is a reciprocity.