Best way to handle....?

Anna2022

Today, DH was at an event downtown, by himself. I had dropped him off and was waiting to hear from him that it was time to come pick him up. At around 4pm, he showed up at home, dropped off in front of the house from an unknown car (later found out it was a friend of his who drove him home). He walked in and after a bit, realized he didn't have his phone. He had lost it. I went to the "FindMy app" on my iPhone and found that his phone was located at the event location. However, DH was adamant that the phone must be in the car that dropped him off but he couldn't remember the friend's name or how to contact him. He refused to believe that the app might be correct. Then thru much confabulation and other nonsense, I found out that he had walked 6 blocks from the event location to a liquor store, borrowed someone;s phone to call me (the phone message came in on an unknown number so I had ignored it) and told me he was going to hang out at his old office to wait for me to come pick him up. After some time (it's hard to tell how long based on his reporting of all day, all afternoon, or a few hours), but my best guess was about an hour, his friend offered to drive him home (at least I hope it was a friend).

I did not handle any of this well - I was loud, argumentative, cross-examining him to find out information, and insistent that we immediately drive to the event location to find his phone. And in honesty - I did say some strong things about a variety of issues. In truth, I put finding his phone as more important that his feelings.  In return, he argued/yelled all the way downtown that I was wrong, that he should be driving (please, no!), that he had not lost his phone, that the phone was in his friend's car, that he would just buy a new phone, and more - all utter nonsense.

Next time, how should I handle confabulation, poor reporting, and odd facts when time is of the essence or his safety is involved? I'm thinking if I calm down, he might also?

BTW, some good soul had turned the phone into LOST and FOUND and we got it back! Amazing.

toolbeltexpert

Anna first I am glad you got the phone back, there are still some decent folks out there. Second you answered your your question. Let me say been there done that, our attitude drives the direction it will go. Even an eye roll is gonna cause troubles, I found that out the hard way. But sometimes you just lose it speaking of myself.  

I am like you if I get an unknown caller, not gonna answer it.

Your a great caregiver Anna. 

Stewart

Nowhere

Anna,

It’s time to put a trackable on your husband. It doesn’t sound like he is safe “out there” unaccompanied at this stage of his disease. I was unaware when my husband began having problems on his much needed and highly desired his walks. He’d walk 3 miles! I found out later in a roundabout manner that he had started hitchhiking and trespassing. None of it was my husband’s fault as he’d regressed to a time in his life that hitchhiking was common and he simply couldn’t remember he’d been warned previously not to cut through a private camp ground to cut through to the beach. The second? time he did it the property manager was irate with him and threatened to call the police, not knowing he had AD. With AD our loved ones aren’t responsible for their actions, and getting observably upset about behaviors usually makes everything worse. I hope you can find a way for him to still go for walks, but maybe with a buddy. The exercise is really good for him! I don’t mean to sound preachy, as I know you’re a wonderful wife and caregiver. It so hard to balance safety needs with our loved ones power/freedom needs. I never knew rage until Alzheimer’s came into our house. You have to let it out. I’d scream in the car when driving alone with windows rolled up.  Best wishes to you both! 

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Joe C.

Anna, It was really difficult on me when DW began to lose her independence and I wanted so badly for her to maintain it. I can understand your frustration & cross examining as I did the same. Sadly the comes a time when we must admit the our LOs can not be left alone and this was a difficult transition for me. That day came for me when I dropped DW off for a normal weekly visit with friends but I did not get the message that the location had change that week. When I returned to pick her up there were police & ambulance there with DW in the back of the ambulance. At neighbor of her friend found her wandering around the neighborhood, took her in and called 911. DW could not tell them where she lived or my phone number.

One lesson learned should be if you are not with your husband & and get a call from a strange number, answer it.

Anna2022

Thank you all for the replies and good advice! I am finding it hard to believe that DH can't be out and about on his own. I thought that the iPhone tracker was enough to track him - he is usually glued to that phone -Naively, I didn't think he was at the stage where he would loose the phone. Another skill lost, another step on this horrible journey. My problem, I know, but I guess this is a wake-up call and I'm grateful nothing worse happened. I will heed your advice, try to stay calm, not let him alone/out and about, answer unknown callers when DH is away with friends, and get a better tracker.

Anna2022

And I love "Nowhere"'s comment about rage. I've been angry about things before but dementia has me seething at a new depth at times. I'm afraid that I need to find an outlet for these emotions I'm feeling - I have a tendency to "stuff" the feelings. Exercise and screaming in the car (when alone) is not proving to be totally effective.

MaryG123

Oh dear, I’ve done that too, said things in anger that I regret.  Please forgive yourself Anna, as you were scared and angry.   Maybe you could apologize to your DH as well.  My goal now is to say “It will be okay,” and “I’ll help you,” when something goes wrong, even though I don’t necessarily believe it myself.  When I can remember to say it, it seems to calm both of us down.