Self care during the holidays (and beyond)

Anonymousjpl123

My mom is finally in a safe environment (fantastic Assisted living/memory care place). I can finally breathe. My life is starting to go back to normal but here are just a few of the worries that consume me:

1) finances - mom always had issues in this area, dad managed it the best he could, now it’s my job, and on top of that she’s starting to get paranoid. How in the world does one sit and talk finances with someone in this situation?

 2) needs - she calls 10 times a day. Yes it’s easier to not take the calls now but it’s still a huge change and consuming

3) being the caregiver - I’m the designated caregiver because no one else is, and somehow this means schlepping my mom to any family events etc. our family is not functional. I don’t want to merge with this person and become her husband stand in. I don’t have kids so it makes it easy to feel like I’m just her handmaiden.

4) neglecting my own self care - that went out the window last year, and now I’m finally thinking it’s time to pick it up. I can’t imagine self care right now I barely have time to think between work and her. 

Thank god I’m not caring for her at home. I couldn’t do it. I read about people on here who have to or want to and my heart aches with the effort that must require. So I apologize if my complaints seem selfish. I want to be a good caregiver but cannot give up myself in the process. All ideas / suggestions / thoughts are welcome. Thank you for being an amazing resource.

12 Step Hope

Dear Anonymous, I heard on the phone last night that caregivers frequently die before the LO.  Wow.  That’s why I’m participating here, and looking for role models.  I’d like to define my worries as clearly as you have here.  You have a big change, moving your Mom.  There’s got to be a lot of letting go with that.  After feeling vigilant and solely responsible like we do, are you finding this is a whole new stress?  thanks for sharing.

Anonymousjpl123

12 step hope thanks for responding and yes for sure! I do find it a whole new stress having her here, but also she’s in a safe place which is a huge relief. Now it’s all about coping with family and grief and life. I realize reading through posts how lucky I am. I was able to get a ton done quickly; I charged ahead when the momentum was there which was good. 

Also got through discussion with her about her finances. Better than expected. She’s well enough to know I do them, ask about them, but not to understand any details. My approach was to create a super calm low pressure atmosphere (relaxed after nice dinner, her place) and just explain things in super basic but honest, ways. We both felt better.

Next step is getting her to the neurologist for a follow up, and POA.

But truly the biggest stress is watching her change and having so little sense of where this goes. I am so so so sad now. Truthfully we weren’t that close it’s hard to watch though. And sad. But I’m here for all of it.

SusanB-dil

Hi Anonymousjp - Glad that discussion about the financials went well.

I was also relieved when my mom was placed. She is safe, comfortable, and actually rather content. It helped me that brother has POA for her, though, so I didn't have to deal with some of the details. and no, I don't think I could manage it if she had been living with me.

Mother calls me as well, a few times a week. More often than not, she thinks I am her younger sister. Sometimes I can correct her, but I try to sense 'where she's at' over the phone, or it would just confuse her. Sometimes I just can't take her calls if it is just too much for me at the time, as we are also dealing with working and caring for MIL.

And yes - do pick back up on taking care of you.  Since your mom is placed, please do take some time for yourself, now! Important!  I know you will still be watching out for her, but at least in a better capacity.

GothicGremlin

Hi there Anonymousjpl123 --

I'm with you - when I placed my sister in memory care I got a bit of my old life back. I wouldn't say it's normal, but it probably is 'normal-ish'.

Here are my thoughts ...

1) finances - at a certain point discussing finances has diminishing returns. I stopped discussing finances with my sister around mid-stage 5. She couldn't remember a lot of what was going on with her finances, so it was frustrating for her.

You might consider seeing a certified elder law attorney. If there are money issues, they may be able to help. And yes, get that POA as soon as possible.

2) needs - the phone will eventually go away. Peggy used to call me 10-20 times a day. Her max was 31 times - in one day. She used to be glued to her phone, now it's all but forgotten.

3) being the caregiver - this will not go away.  I've even had friends tell me it's like I'm living two people's lives - mine and hers. And it's kind of true. The way I made peace with it was to keep reminding myself that it's not Peggy's fault, she didn't ask for Alzheimer's. She'd be horrified if she realized how much stuff she can't do and how much stuff I have to do for her.

What I've found is that with her in memory care, most of the hands-on stuff is taken care of. What's still out there is her health care, taxes, and other financial stuff.  I view myself as kind of in "maintenance mode" at this point with the bureaucracy, but there are always things to do, and things to keep an eye on.

4) self-care - this is huge. We have to take care of ourselves.  What I've done for myself are a few things - I have a therapist who I see once a month, I make sure to see friends (and not talk about dementia), and I even go out occasionally.

Nothing you've said sounds selfish at all.  We as caregivers give up a lot, but we have to look out for ourselves too.