Looking for a support network

KimGun

I'm new to this forum and my DH is moving from short term memory loss to dementia.  He has no short term memory and needs supervision for most tasks.  Not hygiene, feeding, etc, but other daily life - farm chores, running equipment, building, fixing things, trimming horses, et.  He gets angry when I tell him what to do, so I write notes, but he won't read them.  There is so much conflict, sadness and depression in my life and I'm terrified of where we are heading.  I'm mourning the loss of my current and planned life.  We are only in our late 60's, so definitely did not expect this.  Kids are in dad's corner and just tell me to take anti-depressants and things will be better. I think I just need a support network.  We live in a rural area and there are no support networks locally.

Jarmac

I can relate to your situation. My SO also has short term memory loss. When he asks me a question with an absolutely blank look on his face, my heart sinks. Lots of depression and tears here. You will find this forum to be comforting, enlightening and understanding.

Pat6177

Welcome KimGun. You have found a very supportive, very informative forum. Keep reading posts, you will learn a lot. One of the things that we have all had to learn is how to talk to someone with dementia. Often they do not realize that they have a problem (called anosognosia) and get upset when you tell them what to do. I’m not sure just how far along your DH is but he may already be at the point where logic no longer works because the disease is affecting his ability to reason. If he is beyond the ability to reason and you try to reason with him, you’ll both end up angry and frustrated. You will need to develop workarounds. Some of the things you mention involve a safety risk and you need to determine if he should be doing them even with supervision. Check YouTube for videos by Tam Cummings or Dr Natali of Dementia Careblazers. These will give you suggestions for different ways to interact with your PWD. As for support groups, there are some available online. Check on this Alzheimer’s Assoc website for some.

Crushed

Kids are in dad's corner and just tell me to take anti-depressants and things will be better.

 Thank them for their offer to stay with him for a few weeks and prove it. Ask tehm when do they arrive

I was lucky my incredibly smart daughters noticed DWs problems before I did

  

Joe C.

Kim, Welcome but sorry you needed to seek out our community. There are great people here with lots of experience they a willing to share. You can ask anything and most likely someone has been through something similar. I wish you well on this journey.

toolbeltexpert

Kim welcome to the forum and sorry for the reason you had to find us. 

Hang around read watch videos about this thing called Dementia and it's many forms. It doesn't sound like your dh has been evaluated but is healthy which makes it hard to get the help he and you need. I do think if the kids live close enough they need to spend more time with dad really. They need to know if they are wrong that now is the time to get it together, denial is a common thing even for the spouse, but if it is dementia, it is not gonna get better, caregivers need to get better, yes I had to get better at being patient, I needed to hold my tongue, not roll my eyes, not say I told you! don't you remember? And a list so long it just goes on.

There are some things that mimic dementia, things that are very fixable, but ya gotta him to test for the simple stuff first with out a lot of fuss, maybe just a yearly wellness check with the doctor being filled in on what's going on before the appt and you need to be there because like most pwd they can put on a great front for a short while. Your life is gonna change, and so is his, the activities he is currently involved in will be Changing and supervision may not be the answer, things can go south real quick.

Sorry if I sound negative I do not mean to, but this is a reality I am in as are millions others. Keep posting we are here for ya.

Stewart

Ed1937

Hi Kim. Welcome to our group. Sorry you need it. You have found a great support network here. People here laugh and cry with each other because they really care. Anytime you want to start a new topic, do it. We discuss just about anything here.

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KimGun

Thanks for all the responses and support!  I know that I need to accept where we are and figure out how to better deal with the situation.  My LO can still do the majority of the things he's always done (the exception is things like finances and taxes), but  I work with him or check most things behind him, the majority of the time it's fine, but not always.  Of course he doesn't think he needs me checking on him and telling him how to do things,  so it makes him frustrated. Then we argue, a short time later he is fine and happy, and I am still recovering from the confrontation. I need to learn how to not get frustrated and react as I know it doesn't help.  I also know this will progress and that I need to figure out how to enjoy the time that he can still do things - it's really about managing how I am dealing with the disease.  I'm doing every thing I can to try and find a way to stall the process, traditional and functional medicine etc.  As I'm sure all of you have or are doing.   Family cares, but are also mourning the loss of their dad and trying to enjoy time with him.  They also know what's coming and know they will need to step in more as it progresses.  I want to protect them as long as I can because they are so busy with young kids, work, etc.  My two closest friends are struggling with life events and I don't want to add to their stress by using them as a sounding board.   So that's why I'm here, and from you comments, I think this is where I need to be!

jfkoc

Ths is the best place for support and information!

As has been said, your husband "knows" that he does not need anyone to check on him, leave notes for him or direction of any kind. All of this must be invisable.

Be very careful when you pick your battle. When you do pick one be very certain that your approach ends close to a win/win.

You can do this!