How to admit and explain my need for support

12 Step Hope

I need to learn how to open up so that my few friends and distant family members understand more about my caregiving role and feelings.  Possibly the support I need could come from them.  What usually happens is they ask, How is Husband??  We never get around to talking about me.  I’m usually the helper, I prefer to talk about others rather than myself, I feel the need to protect the privacy of afflicted husband and myself since we live in a farming neighborhood.  Honestly, I like to think I’m the heroic one and really don’t need any help.    This time I do, and would appreciate your suggestions.  We are isolated geographically so most communication is by phone.

loveskitties

If you share a bit more about you and your DH you will likely get better replies.

For instance has he been diagnosed?  Are the family and friends aware that he has issues?

You write that you are concerned about privacy since you are in a farming community...do you find they are not accepting of his limitations?  There may come a time when you will need help from those close by...

Give us some more particulars and I know other will chime in.

Pat6177

Use this forum for support. It will give you a fallback as you open up to friends and family about how you’re feeling. Keep in mind that people who have not been a caregiver for someone with dementia may just not get it. It’s not that they don’t want to, it’s just tough. Also consider online support groups.

12 Step Hope

DH was diagnosed 3.5 years ago, so people generally know he has age and memory problems.  I know my neighbors and talk on the phone with one woman, but we don’t go to others’ homes or socialize.  Nearest towns are 14 miles away.  We’ve lived here 45 years.  The oldest of our 4 sons lives nearby, he and his wife are very caring…but they are self employed and very busy.     Other sons are great in emergencies - we had one with DH in May- but they live 45-150 miles away.  We talk on the phone once a week.  I realize what I’m sensing is that the people I have in my life are not able to support more than they are…and I will need new relationships, and/or a move to town?

SusanB-dil

Hi 12 Step Hope - with towns being 14 miles - so maybe 20-25 min drive?  do look up if there are any support groups in that area, or through a local hospital, maybe?  also maybe any adult care-centers for him, and that could lead to more support, as well as socialization, depending on the stage.

Please do be aware that not everyone is open to being helpful or of assistance. Sometimes you find who your true friends are through 'this'. I just figure they don't understand and can't deal with the problems.  Glad you have supportive family. Even knowing that, is helpful.  MIL has a sister who has been a great help.  Then we have a family member on another front who took advantage.

And you have this forum. I've learned a lot, and don't feel 'as alone' as I know I would otherwise.

12 Step Hope

thank you!

Iris L.

You can visit the Spouse/Partner board.  There are several rural members.

Iris L.

caregiving daughter

One of the events that helped me most was a several day training seminar on caring for someone with dementia. Honestly, in the first ten minutes, when we went around the circle introducing ourselves, I just burst out crying. I had to have it together with siblings, doctors, nurses, memory care sales people, neighbors, and friends. I needed time to lose it with people who understood. Can you get away for something like this? If not, use this board as readers do understand and can show empathy.

Arrowhead

This disease is hard enough to understand for those of us who live with it. For those who haven’t, it’s even harder to understand. Yes, you are the heroic one, but you still need help on occasion. I’m blessed that there are those who really know what I’m going through. When people ask you about your husband and you tell them, it might be a good idea for you to also tell them about the trials it gives you, too. Contact the Alzheimer’s Association. I haven’t needed them, yet, but I understand that they can be very helpful.

Ed1937

Iris L. wrote:

You can visit the Spouse/Partner board.  There are several rural members.

Iris is right. There are several members who are rural. This is a great board here, but the Spouse/Partner board is also excellent. As a member, you can post on any or all boards you want. We have several here who also post on the Spouse/Partner board too. You should at least check it out to see which one you think meets your needs better.

sunnydove

Sadly it is very hard to get that kind of support from outside the home. At least it has been in my experience. I gave up work to care for Mom (late stage 6, early stage 7) spring of last year. I have begged others to please keep in touch... send me a text, a pic of your cat, ANYTHING. This is such a lonely job and while I don't regret it, I miss talking to other people and having conversations that make sense. I miss laughing with colleagues and being hugged. People say they will call/text/keep in touch but they don't. I don't know if it's out of sight, out of mind or just that they can't cope with/don't want to hear about how hard it is to be a caregiver or my latest bad day cleaning up poo. It is nice to be able to come here and find answers and support but sadly nothing can fill in that huge void, at least for me. Being able to put a smile on Mom's face or make her feel loved is what keeps me going.