Feeling the whiplash

RobertsBrown

I am not sure why I am posting this today.  I am very sleep deprived, and not firing on all cylinders, and I am emotional and stuck and lonely.

Ok then.

The last week has been super-great.  Everything has been easy.  For some mysterious reason my gal has been sneaking off to use the bathroom without assistance, and she is getting it more or less right.  No real messes to deal with, no soiled laundry, it's magic.  she was eating what I was cooking, being friendly and affectionate and telling me we are supposed to be together, sometimes even with a passable hug.

I let my guard down.  I relaxed.  Things felt good, and I suppose even safe.

The shock when it all went back to 'normal' is just hard to explain, except that I know some of you will totally get it.  I just was not ready for it, and the refusal of food, the hot looks, the angry tones, and the clear fact that she is badly, seriously, permanently damaged just had a way bigger emotional punch then I was ready for.  You know the deal where you have a good day, and the last thing your mate says to you as you approach sleep...."I want to go home", and then gets up for a few hours of wandering.....well, it's like that times 10.

Nothing really to add.  I am just beat, and heart sick, and discouraged.

Just Bill

Hey RobertsBrown. Yes I know the pain you speak of intimately. Usually an unusual high period is followed by a lower period than before the high period you hoped would last longer. I am going through it now. We had a good 2 month run. This time the anger is gone but she is the most disconnected from reality she has ever been. She is interacting with her hallucinations more than ever. We used to communicate on some level before but she is in a different universe most of the time. It seems another connection is lost and it hit me on the head like a brick today.  I have never been so used to depression. I experience it knowing that tomorrow everything will be ok. She is goofier but still alive, I am thankful for that.

White Crane

RobertsBrown, I understand.  After a few good days, I begin to hope that it will last and to breath a little easier.  It doesn't last, of course, and it's hard and sometimes I feel angry as well as lonely.

Anna2022

Same here. DH rallied when my sister came to visit (to mostly normal behavior such that she doesn't believe he is having issues) but yesterday and today he is struggling with renewing prescriptions and yelling at me to back off when I offer to help. Whiplash indeed- last week he was doing this task easily. I can go online and fix the problem for good, I'm just waiting for him to take a nap and forget about the issue. Just hoping that in the meantime, he doesn't screw things up irrevocably. Yesterday evening I was emotionally exhausted and although I was trying to stay in the moment, the idea of a future of this (and more) made me want to run away.

Ed1937

Yeah, I think most of us have experienced something like that. I always felt like the rollercoaster made everything harder than it would be without the good times showing up. My wife never had the extended period of time like that, but she had shorter ones. Never knowing what to expect is hard.

ImMaggieMae

RobertsBrown, I understand. We’ve gone through bad times and good. Right now we’re in a long period of good, interrupted only by a couple UTI’s and hospitalizations due to gallbladder problems. It almost makes the good times worse because you know what the bad times are like and want so desperately to hold on to the good. The isolation this time of year feels even worse with everyone else out and about. The day to day uncertainty can be crushing. I pray that these bad days you’re having will turn back to the good. It indeed feels like a roller coaster.

Onceadoc

Totally get it. My LO always had a dark side and was quick to anger and inflict emotional cruelty on us - her family. Our typical response was to withdraw until it passed. Everyone, but me her spouse eventually withdrew from her life. She had many traumas in her childhood and adolescence and so I developed a protective and tolerant love for her. Also the good was great and I always basked in that and “forgot” about the bad times. She’s been ill for about 8 years with FTD. About 3 or 4 years before her condition became manifest I had a terrible dream that all the good in her died and all that was left was the mean and cruel. I actually woke up from the dream sobbing. Now I am near to living that nightmare except I can’t allow myself to withdraw because under it all all I ever wanted to do was protect HER. Especially now at her most vulnerable. I am - I think - in the wolf-sheep-sheepdog metaphor a sheepdog who protects a wolf. Although I only recently joined I have seen many of us sheepdogs in this sharing space. 

ghphotog

Yep, I get it. I have to supervise my DW's bathroom visits. She doesn't know how to clean herself anymore, especially numero dos or even find the bathroom on her own. I don't always go with her to the bathroom as she's in there a lot so I can't be sure that she cleans well and just too tired to deal with it at times..

 But the numero dos can happen suddenly and out of the blue, many times in the car. We're all in similar boats. The going home thing is every day for me for close to a year now I think. 

When she has a UTI then I'm up every 20 minutes all night long with very little sleep until it's cleared up. She still wakes me up around 4am every morning for help going potty. Sometimes I just mumble, point her in the right direction and hope for the best.

Some days are somewhat decent so those I consider good days but it never ends.