Hello, new here, need help please

TXLulu

I am a retired physical therapist, so I have dealt with ppl with dementia as a clinician.  Now it is more personal.  I am helping a dear friend who was dx with  EO Alzheimers a few days ago. She has no relatives or other friends to help her.

I have been helping her with finances for a few months, she sees pop-ups and has signed up for many subscriptions she doesn't remember. She is still living alone and driving. Neurologist told her she needs a "dumb phone" and shouldn't be driving.  She hit the roof, saying everyone else uses the internet to shop, why am I getting scammed all the time, and Im not dead, Im not going to quit driving.

Haven't gotten POA yet, working on it. The neurologist said at this time she can still give informed consent. I have taken  her debit card and given her a reloadable visa for small purchases and checks for larger ones.  Her banker and I divided her funds into two accounts, a large one for bills which I pay, and the smaller one for daily purchases by check.

I can forsee her becoming very resistant to giving up the car keys.  Her congitive level has declined in the past 6 months.  From reading about the stages, I would say she is at Stage 4.

Any suggestions anyone could provide would be greatly appreciated.

Thank you and God bless.

LaurenB

Hello from a geriatric SLP who is now a full time caregiver to my mom with Alz.  Good luck getting her to willingly hand over the keys.  It's really tough, but you have to just do it.  I gave my mom all of her other keys, but not the car key.  Good for you for getting the POA in place.  She'll need you to do this to make sure that her wishes are followed as best as possible.  I sent you a connections request.  We can talk more privately if you wish.

-Laurenb

SusanB-dil

Hi TXLulu - Welcome to 'here', but sorry for the reason.

You can always check the solutions tab above and search Archive for various subjects.

It is usually not easy to remove the car-keys. Most of us resort to fiblets. Disable the car. Remove a wire, disconnect a battery cable, or something similar. Hopefully you would have a place to remove it to after that. Then use whatever works: "Something is wrong with the car and the part is on backorder" "There has been a recall and it may be a while before they can get that part". repeat as necessary.

Not so sure she should be living alone at this point.  Check to be sure the food in the fridge or pantry is not expired.

If she will allow, you could get some things on auto-pay, such as electric.

Good that she has you to watch out for her.

loveskitties

This situation is concerning...she had no one else...and you are not a relative.

While she is able you and she need to visit and Elder Care attorney to discuss how to handle the future.  You mentioned a POA, but what you will really need is a Durable Power of Attorney so that it remains in effect when she is not longer mentally capable.

You also need to protect yourself in any legal matters.  You don't want to become responsible for her actions or debts.

Does she have the financial means to go to an assisted living facility?

She is fortunate to have you as an advocate.

TXLulu

Thanks for the info about the car.  My husband could do that and then move it to our place.

I will be over there tomorrow and will check the stuff in her fridge.  

I already have set up her routine bills on autopay and I monitor her account regularly.

Thanks for the advise about protecting myself from her debt, I hadn't thought about that.

She will have the means to go to AL when she sells her home. Right now she is very resistant to that.

M1

Welcome to the forum TXLulu.  Agree with all the others that you will need DPOA to go much further and you may well need it for healthcare too if you don't already have it.  

It's unrealistic to think that she will willingly agree to stop driving or sell her house or any of those things.  Get yourself educated about anosognosia--many folks with dementia truly can't recognize their deficits and think they are fine, so why are you suggesting such ridiculous things?  So at some point you just have to step in and do it anyway, a common saying here is that safety drives the decision-making.   

Some families have success with a formal driving assessment; this is something her doctor (whoever diagnosed her with EOAD) can order.  Has the advantage of making an outside person the heavy.  If she passes once, you have to go back and keep doing it periodically, but if she doesn't pass the first time, they will notify the state and have her license revoked (don't tell her that on the front end). 

Are there truly no family members anywhere?  If not, you may want to think carefully about how deeply you get involved.  There are professional care managers you can hire, also, and that may be something to think about in this situation if there are limits to what you can reasonably take on.

She is indeed lucky to have you to help.  

TXLulu

Thanks to all of you for all the great responses and support. She is either unaware or in denial of her deficits. The only relatives she has mentioned are distant cousins in VA (we are in TX).  I have never met any of them. I will certainly ask the attorney if I would be responsible for any of her debts. Funds would be a limiting factor for a professional manager or even a live in caregiver. Right now she is managing her ADLs ok, including caring for pets and shopping. She won’t quit driving but has agreed to limit the amount. Another Dr had a more lenient attitude so she is going with his plan

Ed1937

Hi Lulu. I agree with everything M1 had to say. Here is a link to a video about dementia and driving. It may be helpful. Dementia and Driving - with Teepa Snow of Positive Approach to Care And another link about anosognosia. https://www.agingcare.com/articles/anosognosia-dementia-patients-cant-recognize-impairment-210090.htm  Hope this helps.

CanyonGal

I don't know how old your friend is but check to see when her drivers license expires. Texas requires drivers aged 79 or over must undergo a vision test and medical evaluation. Tag team the doctor and Department of Public Safety about the situation.

My out was that my mother needed eye surgery and I told her it was dangerous to drive until after that surgery. Then her driver's license expired, and her doctor told her she could not pass the eye exam to get a new one.

We sold the car during 2020 because it wasn't being driven and it was mechanically bad for a car to sit with no one driving it.

She is in memory care now and she occasionally brings up the subject of getting a car and driving. I just say you don't have a valid DL.

I have just about all my mother's bills go to her credit card and then autopay through bank the credit card bill. I can deny charges on the credit card quicker than getting a stop pay at the bank for an automatic withdraw my mother allowed. I gradually closed credit accounts as well.

For postal mail that is spam, use PaperKarma. PaperKarma® - The Stop Junk Mail App

It literally took several years to get all of it stoppped, but PaperKarma stopped a large majority of the junk mail.

HollyBerry

We are going through the driving thing right now with my partner.  The OT consult pronounced her able to drive, and the driving part actually goes pretty well...  it's the thinking part about all the associated rules, laws, and conventions.  She "bumped into someone" at a traffic light and kept on driving, getting police involved, and now I'm hoping the insurance company will total her car and the DMV will revoke her license and we'll be done with all of this.  And, we had 3 days of utter, abject, "oh woe is me" misery and anger directed at me because somehow I was the one who makes all the rules and takes away all her freedom and control.

One idea re the driving that might be useful:  instead of offering a ride to go grocery shopping, ask if she wants to go along and keep you company when you go.  Go out to lunch and swing through the grocery store and pick up a few things for both of you.  Grab an extra book of stamps for her when you go to the post office.  Quietly remove the actual need for her to drive places, as much as you can, without making it obvious.  I found this cut out 99% of my partner's need/want to drive, as much as she hates a chauffeur, because she also has the apathy (in spades) and it's just too much work to leave the house.  She will probably complain forever about losing her freedom and having no control over her life, etc etc and it's true.  But it's also true that she doesn't NEED to drive and the WANT isn't actually that great.

Stage 4 is such a tough one because the impairment is real but there are so many people on the planet who live independent lives with similar impairment and somehow muddle through it.  I worked with adults with disabilities for a long time and we were so excited when they were able to do things as well as my partner can now.