Need help with the car issue

Lhuerta

Hello,  my DH is in denial about his illness and thinks he can drive.  Although he hasn't, in months.  Honestly, I don't think he really wants to, but hangs on to his dignity by insisting he can.

I'll get into my car first.  Or, he'll say, "I don't know how to get there" and I tell him I do and will drive.  We've disabled his car and I keep the keys to my car hidden.  

We have a third vehicle (pick up truck), but I've moved it to our daughter's and told him that she's borrowing it for a project.  I tell him that everytime he asks where his truck is and he's satisfied with the answer.

So, we've been pretty successful in keeping him from driving.

Here's where I need help.  I want to sell his car.  I brought it up and told him all the reasons why it's a good decision for us (I know, reasoning doesn't work).  He got very adamant, angry and just said "NO" over and over.

Even though he doesn't drive it, he takes some pleasure/pride in seeing it in the garage everyday.

Any ideas what I can do?  Sell the car and tell him some kind of fiblet?

Thanks for any advice.

Iris L.

Lhuerta wrote:

Hello,  my DH is in denial about his illness and thinks he can drive.  

This is anosognosia.   He truly believes he can still drive.  Don't try to confront him with reality.  Work on work-arounds.  Best wishes!

Iris

Ed1937

Disable his vehicle, and leave it in the garage for now. You can sell it later.

Pat6177

I went through a similar process and ended up selling my car and we drive his car. He has a key fob with a dead battery. And now he thinks the house key is the car key. He still occasionally says he thinks I need to get my own car but doesn’t harp on that. I keep making the comment that we’ll soon have to get a car that’s easier to get in and out of - his sedan is just too low. But like your DH, he still likes his car. Is getting rid of your car and using his car all the time an option?

Camoruso

I keep the car in the garage, although she hasn't driven in years. We used to use her car more but now that it's harder for her to get in ( it's a 4runner and higher), we  mostly use the corolla.  I don't want to sell her car even tho others have told me I should.  While the car is there it makes her happy so it stays.

12 Step Hope

My concerns are similar so everyone’s posts are helpful.  DH has several vehicles, plus 3 mules.  He hasn’t used any in 2 years, but still talks about “someday” driving, or even getting into a parade.  Truthfully, they all depreciate in value and in the case of the animals, cost daily to feed.   This doesn’t bother me anymore, since he feels better knowing these treasures are right where he can see them, that they are his, and a very meaningful part of his life is not over…in his mind.

Stuck in the middle

I sold my car and drive DW's car.  So, she still has her car, just with a chauffer.  Works for us.

David J

We had two cars and a work truck. I kept both cars until she no longer recognized that she had a car. Then I sold mine and drove hers. Every time I drove her somewhere, in her car or my work truck, she always asked if it was my car and complimented me on how nice it was.

Joydean

My dh has driven in over 4 years but we still have his truck. It was his pride and joy and still is. He will sometimes (in warmer weather) wash it and wipe it down. ( can’t really clean it but tries), if that makes him happy then we will keep it as long as he cares. 

I will say taking his keys away back then was the hardest thing I had ever done! Just driving was such a big pleasure for him. He drove a lot for his job but that was definitely different. Driving his truck was for pleasure . After a few years he was okay with me doing all the driving. 

Wishing you the best luck! 

tigersmom

I did the same thing as Pat and Stuck. We had two pickup trucks. Mine was smaller and easier to drive in our crowded city, since it had an automatic transmission. When I brought up the issue of not driving anymore, DH was initially very angry. I think he knew it was time, but he had been a safe and excellent driver for many years and he was having a hard time accepting it. What changed everything was selling my truck. As long as he could be a passenger in the vehicle he loved (his), he gave up driving without a fight. He gets in the passenger seat automatically and never asks to drive. It has become a non-issue.  I keep the keys and the registration. So, while a larger, manual-shift pickup is not my dream vehicle for where we live, I am driving it more or less cheerfully (helps that I already knew how, though the size was an adjustment). It's a good vehicle, he is happy, and that problem disappeared much more easily than I thought it would. Worth a try if your DH might react the same way.

MaryG123

We recently sold our second vehicle, and I focused on the cost savings and let DH choose which one to keep.  We both ended up happy.  That doesn’t happen very often!

Ed1937

I guess I was lucky because my wife had not driven in 30 years, due to Meniere's disease. But every so often she would mention driving. If someone asked how long it had been since she drove, her stock answer was "a couple of weeks". But she never insisted on driving.

mommafour

MY DH loved his car and having it in the garage and knowing it was available was very important to his sense of independence and freedom. He insisted on driving it around the neighborhood while I was at work during the day but would call because he was lost.  He doesn't drive my car because I've been able to get into the driver's seat first.  I was unable to deal with the constant anger whenever I had the driving talk with him or hid the keys.  Last summer my son was visiting and volunteered to be the "bad guy" and facilitated getting rid of the car.  Lucky for us, the "check engine" light had come on.  My son drove DH to a local auto parts store and asked them to run an engine diagnostic.  Son went inside the store first and explained the situation, asking them to just state the issue but please don't say anything about it being a simple, cheap repair (it actually was).  The result was something technical enough that DH didn't understand.  Son told DH that it was a serious and expensive repair (this was a Camry with 300,000+ miles), so DH agreed it would be best to sell the car.  He was happy with the sale. We have a new problem now because he is fixated on buying a new car for himself and pressures me about it several times a day since last July, but I come up with deflections and excuses each time.  Its exhausting but hopefully he will eventually stop talking about it.  He has declined significantly in the past few months so driving is way in the past at this point.