Am I just feeling sorry for mysel?

PookieBlue

12/16/2022 

         I have always been too sensitive and as such I get my feelings hurt really easily. I think I get past them, but my memory is like a steal trap and unlike my DH, my memories are imbedded and continue to stack up. I can access them at a moment’s notice and every time a new one happens, I get a flash back of all others. Even those close to me don’t know my hurt. Don’t get me wrong. I am blessed with six sisters and four brothers and they are all terrific and we share good memories. However, the closest one lives six hours away. All others 1000 to 1800 miles away. Everyone has their lives and families and a future.

          I have a daughter and son in law nearby. They help me out the most, but do have busy lives. My DH has a son and DIL and three young grand daughters who live 1800 miles away. He also has a daughter and SIL who moved a year or two ago and are 90 minutes away. They have two very young children. I’m pretty sure that none of our relatives or friends have an inkling as to how mentally difficult it has been for me caring for my DH. I’m about ten years into this and I have never been one to ask anyone for help. To be honest, I wouldn’t even know what I’d ask for. I consider myself to be very strong, both mentally and physically. Maybe others see me that way and just think I can handle everything that comes my way. Mostly, I would appreciate for my LOs to put in a little more effort into showing that they really do care. 

       For the past three or four years, I have driven my DH 1800 miles in our RV to visit many of my siblings, his sister and family, as well as his son, DIL, and granddaughters. No one comes to visit us. Some can’t, I understand. The son and family haven’t come out since before they married 12 years ago, although they have taken many family trips elsewhere, even took one during one of the weeks we had driven for our yearly visit. Son face times his dad only on his birthday, Father’s Day, and Christmas. Daughter 90 minutes away has been mostly supportive of her dad, but less so in the past three or four years since having a family, and very busy professional lives with lots of responsibility. We get pics from both, but little to no contact in between. I always send the grandkids Christmas and birthday gifts.  Daughter and family drive up to our area about every 6 months to get vehicle maintenance. They don’t ever stay with us even though we have plenty of room. There is little advance notice when they will be here. Usually, they will bring the children and visit a few hours while waiting for their vehicle. The kids are high energy, and conversation is challenging, but I always appreciate their visit. 

Yesterday, I received Email saying daughter, SIL, and grandkids were staying about 40 minutes away for the next couple of days, and wanted to know if we wanted to go to the Zoo and have dinner with them at their hotel. My first thoughts were of my chronic brain numbness and reluctance to do anything, all my energy going in to making my DH safe, happy, and oblivious to dementia outcomes. Then I think I would like to see them, but wish I had been given more time to mentally motivate myself. DH couldn’t handle a day at the zoo. I probably could, but I never leave DH alone. I thought maybe I should make an effort at the dinner invite, but it’s Friday, it will be dark and although I can, I don’t really want to do that drive. Also, DH usually goes to bed around 8 pm. Then I thought maybe my daughter and SIL might drive us. In that case,  I wouldn’t mind going. It was their day off and they were already going to come over to pick up Omaha Steaks that I had gotten them for Christmas. Well, they have other plans so a no go. I don’t know if I will do the drive or not. It would just be nice if I thought anyone in my family cared enough to go out of their way to help distract me, even a little bit. Only the caregivers on this forum would understand. 

        I don’t know why DHs children don’t at least call him once a week. He already thinks I am his sister on some days. I think of when I used to call his mother during my lunch break for years every week after her husband passed away. My DH used to fly 1800 miles twice a year to see her.

Now I add just one more memory of hurt feelings to go on top of the already deep stack of sadness and disappointment.  I have to say to myself, swallow the tears and sadness.  It’s time to move on, just like always. This too will pass. DH needs something from me now and the day goes on

Ed1937

There's nothing wrong with letting it all out. You can do that here, and sometimes it makes us feel better. And people here understand. That's what the site is for.

mrahope

What Ed said, plus, TBH, I think until they "walk a mile in your shoes", they don't realize how very difficult it is to break routine with someone like your DH.  So sad for all of you.

KathyF1

Pookie, I can relate. It’s hurtful when people who should reach out to help in any way do not. And invitations to dinner, etc don’t  help much when the right thing would be for them to go out of their way to come to you. My DH has 2 children that haven’t called in years (yes years). Some of his family go out of their way, others do not. And I know how you feel when the weight of the world is on your shoulders. When this is over I hope I’ll learn from my hurts and go out of my way to help others who need support. Hang in there! We understand!

Iris L.

PookieBlue wrote:

        I don’t know why DHs children don’t at least call him once a week. He already thinks I am his sister on some days. 

Younger people just don't have this awareness of the passage of time and older age.  I was unaware of changes in my own mother, ill with cancer, until I actually saw her condition with my own eyes.  You may have to paint a picture of your and his lives today, without dredging up guilt.  "Your dad is not doing do well, doctor says he cannot travel, and he can't be left alone."  Perhaps you could say something like that.

In the meantime, think about making your own,new holiday traditions.  What would YOU like to see or do or hear musically?  I like my favorite Christmas music and my favorite Christmas foods and drinks.  I also like peace and quiet.

Iris L.

Pat6177

I agree with Iris, I didn’t understand when I was younger. Which has left me with regrets. And even though my first career was in nursing, I never understood dementia until I started reading this forum. I have a good friend who took care of her mother with dementia. Her mother lived with her and passed several years ago. I never offered to help because I didn’t know what I didn’t know. I didn’t know to even offer. And she never asked. And that is what I am trying to pass on here - we need to let others know what it is we would like. Like letting people know you and your DH can’t travel like you used to but you would really like to see them. They may not respond but you can give them the chance. And as you said, if they see you as having it all together, it may never occur to them to make the effort.

jfkoc

So forthe first time I am going to share what I did.

My husband had 4 grown children. One lived 2 hours away and we did have some visits with. We had a good relationship with the oldest daughter who lived in TX until she took something her mother said the wrong way and stopped speaking to us all together. There was a "decent" relationship with the oldest who lives in Chicago. Third child used us as a motel both here and in Santa Fe.

Somehow the children got wind that their father was with Hospice and wanted desparately to come and say goodby. "Can't we just come and say goodby to our father?" I told them no, it was too late. Fact being he would have not known them and if he possibly did for a moment he would realize he was near death. I told them it would be wonderful if they wrote him a chatty catch up letter. None came.

The Tulsa child came the day he died and stayed. The oldest came after he died. The middle daughters? Nothing!

I sent the daughter that wrote us off some things her father had saved relating to he with a really nice note. Nothing!

Not a word when I paid for second daughters child to be medivaced across the country. 

I find that some things are  just sad and by the way I do not think Norman Rockwell's intentions were all good...lol

I keep up with Tulsa and Chicaho but the two middle daughters have no interest. It is sad. They were my husband's daughter's

I wish I had taken the time to write a bunch of letters from his children that lawst year.

Judith