Unsure how to proceed(1)

lizzyt

Hi all. I posted back in September that after cataract surgery my moms mental status has changed drastically.  I had hoped it would improve, but that does not seem to be the case. Her primary care Dr did the standard cognitive test in Sept. and gave her the dementia diagnosis. Since Sept. she has called 911 for an ambulance several times. The first time for me, ( I had Covid and wasn't eating properly she said) , fortunately I heard her and stopped them. The second time I went to her home to check on her after work and could not find her.  I called the ER and she was there. She had called the ambulance. A month ago I came after work and other commitments and found her with a gash on her arm. Off to ER again. Sunday last week the neighbor called me at 9 am and said mom was at their house and she had fallen. Off to ER again. She was up all night agitated, hearing and seeing things. I was getting ready for work and heard her calling 911 again. I stopped them. But after I left for work she must have called them again. I work at the hospital and was getting calls from them while I was there working. They admitted her for 2 days and transferred her to a short term rehab facility since she has fallen so much.  Now they are realizing that she is very confused, some days worse than others and I am going to have make decisions as to where to go from here.My first thought is she cant come back to her house alone. I am an only child. I am not married and have no kids so it is just me and her and I have my own house 35 minutes away.  Even if I got outside help. I work full time, take call and work one day a month at another job. I am getting close to retirement and don't want to jeopardize my senior years by stopping work now. I cant afford to do that. So, I guess I am just looking for opinions from all of you who are dealing with similar situations as to if placement in some type of care facility is appropriate.  The guilt is there also, but I just dont think I can take care of her, work and stay sane. Thanks for all the great information and support on this site.  Sorry for the long post.

jfkoc

While there is so much uncertainty surrounding "dementia" there are two things you posted about that I think are certain

1. You need to get a diagnosis and what you have from the PCP is barely the first step. Please look at https://www.alz.org/alzheimers-dementia/diagnosis to better understand what needs to take place.

2. You do need to protect your future.

Since you do not live with your mother you really do not understand what she is and is not able to do but probably living alone is not an option. Being in the hospital seems to always make things worse so that is not helping much. 

Moving in with your mother short term and bringing in day help would allow you to better evaluate and give you some time to get organized. I commuted 1 hour each way.  35 minutes wold have been great.

Please, no guilt. You are doing the best you can while treading is rough, unknown waters!

Quilting brings calm

Do not feel guilty,  Being unmarried and with no children, you a) have no support system and b) cannot jeopardize your financial future,   You do need to work and she cannot live alone. Due to her repeated falls and calling 911, she can’t be alone while you are at work even if you move her in with you.  Even if your home was suitable.  

  While she is at rehab, you need to determine things.  Could she live with you if you hired caregivers?   Is that something you could even deal with?  It’s hard to find and keep help.   There is also no shame in admitting that you can’t be a live in caregiver.  I couldn’t. 

What level of care does she need- assisted living or memory care?   What choices of facilities are there?  How can she pay for it?   

Do you have a durable POA for her and a medical one also.  If not, get those now.  The social worker at the rehab can help you with that.  An elder care attorney can help you with figuring out how to structure her money and what she needs to qualify for Medicaid later.  

When my mom had her own medical crisis, she and my step-dad lived out of state.  Once we got them moved back, she was in the hospital for a week, and rehab for a month.  We got them a spot in an assisted living facility and she moved from rehab directly into it. It was the only option for us as  they couldn’t live with me for many reasons. I would also suggest that you do not get her a phone there since she’s a frequent 911 caller.  The AL will be  staffed 24/7 and they will check on her multiple times a day on top of at meals and activities.