Tapping into our survival mode

Just Bill

I think we survive as caregivers because as humans we are hard wired for harsh conditions. Think about survival during the ice age. Your partner asking you 1000 times a day where do you want this rock was the least of your worries. I think it's why people endure catastrophes like plane crashes and ships sinking. Evolution has installed a survival mode into our DNA most of us don't even know exists. Not until we are faced with a catastrophe. Then we either lay down and accept our fate and wait for death, or we tap into that survival mode and try to figure things out. I think that is where all of us are right now is survival mode. The catastrophe we are dealing with puts us all into that mind set. Survive the day, make it until tomorrow, lather, rinse, repeat. You stop overthinking the past and the future and you focus on the right now. During the ice age we had to deal with harsh weather and we were not top of the food chain and there was no law and order. You had to make it to the end of the day without getting frozen to death, eaten or killed by a rival clan. You were too busy doing what you had to do to survive to think of the million things that would end you. This isn't the ice age but our lives are every bit a sinking ship or a crashed plane. The survival mode really kicks in when you realize no is looking for you. You are going to either walk home or swim home. That's what we are doing walking or swimming without getting frozen, cooked, killed or eaten. A good day is boiled down to moving forward and making it until tomorrow. Once I realized this is my fate and I have no one to complain to and I'll have to navigate this journey on my own, a certain peace came over me. I think that is the survival mode keeping me moving forward without losing my mind.

MaryG123

We humans formed communities to help each other survive.  I’m fortunate to have family, friends, and now you, my fellow caregivers.  It helps keep the fear at bay.

jfkoc

"Complaining" always welcome here where we understand and prety much view it as sharing...

Judith

toolbeltexpert

Jfkoc I always like your posts and I second this is the place to complain. I have done my share.

Bill stone age comes to mind,lol but we sure do have to kick in the survival mode every day. I am glad we can be strong for our lo. My wife told a cna she was looking for her protector. I am andcwill be her protector. And so is everyone here. I like Crushed superman pic the other day. I Don't wear my underware over my pants or have a big s on my shirt but to my dw I do.

mrahope

I so get what you are talking about, Bill.  It reminds me of how I learned to swim in the ocean as a kid.  My mom would always say "Swim out to meet the wave".  And we did and had great fun coasting over the many breakers.  I believe it's a case of either meeting the wave or allowing it to pummel you to the sand.  Meeting the wave is what we instinctively need to do...or at least I feel that way.  One day, one hour, find something good to remember at the end of the day if you can.  It's a form of "living in the moment", just not how most of us pictured it.

Ed1937

Bill, very well said. That's something we don't think about much.

ghphotog

Well said. We are wired for stress but as any living creature we can get soft very quickly without it. We endure, we carry on when other's if put in our situation would mentally and physically collapse after only a few days or weeks being caregivers such as ourselves.
There is always someone in life dealing with a sinking ship whether a collapsing career, collapsing health of their own, impending doom, tragedies of one kind or another, etc.
I've mentally and physically collapsed many times it seems but as someone said, there is no one coming to say "Hey, you've done this long enough, I'll take it from here!", no one. So we keep going one day at a time because the alternative to our LOs would be absolutely catastrophic if not for us trying to keep this bruised and battered ship afloat day in and day out.

We are the only thing resembling a lighthouse to them but we ourselves are still looking for our lighthouse but it's still nowhere in sight. We always worry that our ship may go down before we see it.

Just Bill

I don't think we complain here. I think we type our feelings and experiences so we can air out our thoughts with people that are struggling with our same problems.  By complaining I meant looking for someone to blame and an expectation for someone to come fix it. I don't feel anyone here does that. The lighthouse is a good analogy. Another one I like is I saw a video of 2 beat up old horses in a corral. One is blind and the other one wears a bell. The blind one follows the one with the bell to food, water, shelter and comfort. I have been telling my wife lately just follow the bell everything will be ok.

Bill_2001

Once I realized this is my fate and I have no one to complain to and I'll have to navigate this journey on my own, a certain peace came over me.

Hi Just Bill! Another Bill here! I agree completely. It seems totally incredible and counter-intuitive, but there really is a peaceful feeling that arrives when you finally realize that you are on your own.

The earlier caregiving years were times of much weeping and gnashing of teeth. Howling at the Moon, kicking and screaming, hoping "someone" would hear me and swoop in with a solution.

They never came.

What did arrive was the realization that no one is going to help me, at least not in any real, meaningful way. Thoughts and prayers were easy to come by, but someone to bring us dinner, and look after my wife for a while so I can do something for myself? Not gonna happen.

Most of us caregivers are on our own, at least the vast majority of the time. Grown kids have jobs and families of their own. Other family members and friends mean well, but I soon realized that no one was going to step up to help, and I completely understand. They do not know what to do or where to begin. 

Survival Mode, as you very elegantly described, is exactly where I have been for a while now, right along with you. Maybe that is the peace we finally feel - our instincts kick in and we begin tapping that vast reserve of will and energy. Days, weeks, months, seasons, holidays - the normal rhythm of life - does not apply to us. Our rhythm of life is measured in minutes and hours, each day new and each day it's own victory. For us, there is no yesterday, and there is no tomorrow.

Very, very well said Just Bill.

Dio

This past year I've definitely been surviving on borrowed adrenaline and felt so alone in this arduous journey. There were so many moments when I wanted to crawl into a hole and have the pain end. I suppose God and/or the Universal Force finally answered my screams because help did arrive for me. So I'm especially thankful this holiday season. Guardian Angels started appearing to lift me up and pull me out from the quick sand. It may not be the cavalry but enough to get me through some tough times.

Thank you, to everyone here!

storycrafter

Oh, yes. This is good. I appreciate this thread. So much wisdom and many aspects of survival skills reviewed. Reading and thinking about the topic makes me feel stronger.

Right now I'm going to try to hold on to the image of "meeting the wave."  I may not swim out to it, but I can work on meeting it. Maybe I'll eventually get better at it and be able to do more "swimming." For now, meeting the waves as they come in is what I'm learning to do. Thank you for the imagery.

I can remember swimming in the Great Lakes as a kid on summertime vacation. We had these styrofoam boards we took to the beach. Going out from shore I learned to enjoy the little lift the water gave, jumping on my toes with the swell, letting it carry me as I gradually worked myself out with little leaps.

It'd finally get to a point I'd duck under, or dive through a wave. I'd hold tight to the board so I could turn around when I got past the breakers and ride them in to shallow water again. I learned how it felt as a wave began to swell, the tingling of anticipation, and at a certain time I'd make a sort of belly-jump to lie on the board. It was a fun little thrill to feel the wave's power as I rode it into shore as far as I could until it turned to bubbles.  (These were just relatively little waves, but it gave me a taste of what real surfers must feel.)

Thank you for the memory and the metaphor. Now I want to work with and ride the waves.