Update on Stage 8.

abc123

I have sat at my lap top several times in the past 2 months to reach out to you all and had to stop before I actually started a post because my dad demanded my attention/help right then and there. It happened yesterday AGAIN. I turned off my phone today, hopefully I can complete a post that makes some kind of sense. 

I am starting to realize just how much my mother's death from Alzheimer's disease has changed me as a person. I don't think I will ever be the same. I am bitter and mad, mad as hell. I think the disease changes all of us. It starts by taking over our loved ones and then it starts in on us. My relationship with my brother and especially my sister, will never be the same. They are the last two people I want to talk to. They abandoned our mother when she needed them most. My mother did not deserve that. They just couldn't do it, their words. Now they have abandoned our father, which I can understand. But I am hurt and mad because their actions have left me alone. They have abandoned me in the process. They do tell me they really appreciate everything I did for mom and everything I do for dad. I feel ill when they say that to me. 

Our family dynamics were screwed up. Dad was a workaholic, his career came first, always. Especially when it came to his three children. I believe he loved us but I know full well he did not like us. There was no sense of belonging, we did not feel valued to him in anyway. He did nothing to help us have self esteem. We all knew he did not like us. He went out of his way to point out our short comings, he also did this with his grandkids. How can anyone possibly be a prick to their grandkids? Because of the way we were treated, I can understand why my brother and sister and some of the grandkids want absolutely nothing to do with him. I wish I had the courage to walk away sometimes. But I feel like he's now just an elderly man trying to find his way. He is lost in grief over the death of his wife of 63 years. Speaking honestly, I do NOT want to spend the rest of my life dealing with him because he's so difficult. He is 86 and in great health physically. He's much healthier than I am. My mother was much easier to care for than he will be. I am depressed. I feel like my life is over. I used to be a good person. Not so much these days. It's as if I've lost the joy I used to have. I wish my mother was alive and well. I miss her warmth and humor. She was so much fun, it was so nice to spend time with her. Not only did she love her kids and grandkids, she liked us! She liked being with us, all together or one on one. We were all special to her. Our friends loved her too. 

I find my self questioning life itself, like what's the point? I am confused or maybe lost is a better word, I am lost in my faith. That is NOT me at all. I think about what momma went through and it rips my heart out. I think about what dad went through because of the disease. I can relate to his pain on that level because I lost my spouse to cancer. I know how it feels to lose your friend, partner, lover, your other half.

I'm sorry this is so long and full of self pity. Geese! I've turned into the person I don't like! I think of you all and miss you. You all mean so much to me and have helped me time after time. Thank you for that! I hope you can find some joy and peace this Christmas season, only if it's for a moment. Take good care of yourself! 

Sincerely,

abc123

Joydean

ABC first I just want you to know how very much you are appreciated and we have missed you! You are one of the ones that helped me so much when I first joined this forum. You are one of the kindest, and most thoughtful person I’ve met. Please don’t be so hard on yourself! Any mom would love to have a daughter like you .  You know your mom is still with you, not in person, but her spirit is. You are a big part of her, and she certainly is a part of you. She would want you to be kind to yourself.   Some people just can’t take care of others, even their own mother. The bond you have with your mom, your brother and sister will never have the chance now to have what you have. I’m not saying just look the other way, I’m saying cherish the memories you have of your mom!    Please take care of yourself and don’t let others take/ steal your happiness.  Think only of the good memories of your mom and what she would want for you.  Prayers for you ABC!

Quilting brings calm

Abc123… I’m so glad to hear from you. I’d been wondering about you. 

I’m also glad you felt comfortable enough with us to be honest. You are entitled to all those feelings, and I think you are extremely justified in them. You are not alone either. 

My childhood was dysfunctional with an alcoholic step father and a mom who didn’t protect us. A lot of emotional, mental and  physical anguish.    I also deeply resent the fact that my entire 60s will be spent taking care of my parents, it’s been over 3 years since we moved them back up here, and the last 18 months before that were no picnic either.  There’s no end in sight since they are both only at stage 4.  They are extremely needy though.  He is also extremely paranoid and accuses me constantly.   Mom could easily live another 10 years or more.  Her mom and grandfather both lived until they were 97.  I don’t feel that I will live anywhere near that long, and my spouse isn’t in good health now. I would be surprised if  my spouse is even here in 7-10 years. I know the last several years of his life he will require a lot of care. He is already losing his eyesight. 

Out of my two sisters, and three step-siblings, I’m the only one having contact with them.  A sibling and a step sibling both acknowledge I’m doing it all, but won’t help. The other three don’t even do that.  I resent them all immensely even though I understand them.  

Right now, I think you are also dealing with grief and post traumatic stress about your mom.  Maybe reliving the grief of losing your spouse.   Is there counseling available to you where you are?   

SusanB-dil

Hi abc123 - My heart goes out to you.  I agree with the other posts, that you are kind and caring.  That isn't going to change. I have no doubt you are missing your mom.  However, your circumstances have changed. Do check other alternatives this time around. If you are in a position where you really do not want to be, please look at alternatives to caring for your dad.   You would not be abandoning. And nothing would have to be permanent.  But maybe now, some time for you - to just step back a bit and take care of yourself for a while.

Ed1937

You have truly been missed here. I do think you are the same person, but you are and have been going through a lot of changes, none for the better. All of your emotions are normal, but you are the same loving person you have always been. I agree that it might be best if you could get dad into long term care. You have given, and given, and given. You went through the move with some serious hardships. And you did it under adverse conditions. You need someone else to take over the things that need done on a daily basis. I hope you can get your thoughts turned around, and start thinking of yourself as the person you are. You will be in my prayers.

M1

Dear abc, i too am glad to hear from you. I am so sorry you are in so much pain.

I think all deaths bring about changes in family dynamics. Sounds like your mother was the glue and the more functional parent; no wonder you miss her. I like QBC wonder whether some counselling could help you process your grief and anger and figure out your next steps.  I spent years in therapy to get over my dysfunctional family of origin, best money i ever spent. I also wrote lots of letters to family members that i never sent, but that helped me clarify my feelings and reactions to various family events.

please stay in touch when you can; you have been missed. Little Christmas present to hear from you. And may you have a little peace on earth as well.

abc123

Wow! It's wonderful to connect with you all! Joydean, QBC, Susan B, Ed & M1, Thank you! I hope you are all doing  as well as possible! I think of you all and wish you the best. Sometimes I tell myself to just suck it up and do the best I can with the situation. I also try to be mindful of the good days, even the good moments. 

A beautiful Cardinal was just at the feeder! Yes, I still feed Momma's birds.

I agree that counselling would help me. I have looked into one local clinic, they offer one appointment/session a per month. How does that usually work these days? Years ago, I saw the therapist once a week then every other week. A friend  see's her therapist on line. She said it's very expensive but worth it. Any suggestions on finding the right therapist? 

We are expecting freezing temps this weekend. I'm in the process of squeezing plants into my little storage room. I brought the orchid plants inside, put them in the guest room.

M1, I also write letters. It helps a lot. I started keeping a journal of time and activities with dad because he was telling my daughter and sister that he hadn't seen me or heard from me for days. I started thinking I was crazy, was he right? So now I can pull out my journal and see just how much time I am spending taking care of his needs. Doing the Medicare thing was a blast! Thought I was going to snap. He was so confused. He needs help with all appointment scheduling and banking. The mail is a big thing too. I'll stop belly aching now and get back to moving plants. Sending peace to everyone here. 

Battlebuddy

   I’m so sorry that you haven’t really had much of a break after your moms passing. I do think dealing with dad too would be very difficult for someone who has just been through the caregiver trenches. I too would recommend a therapist . I was able to talk to someone through a grant from my local Alz association. It was done on line and wasn’t too weird to do it that way. 

   I know Hospice has grief consulting for some months after a death. Maybe that would be helpful? 

    I felt for everything you said about loosing your faith somewhat. I feel like my faith has taken some hits. The best way I can describe it is it’s been dropped a few times and broken( like a phone screen) But it’s still able to dial out , so to speak. For some reason this gives me comfort. To acknowledge that I’ve dropped the faith phone and some damage has been done, but I can still get it to work- can still make the connection when I need to call out . 

   Give yourself time to heal and take time for yourself. 

We are rooting for you ! In our prayers too.

MN Chickadee

So nice to hear from you abc. You do sound lost, and understandably so. You first lost your beloved spouse and now your mother, someone you loved dearly who not only gave you the gift of life but also meaning in your life. And now you are stuck caring for a parent who was not there for you like he should have been and will not appreciate your sacrifice. And yet you are doing it anyway. I would think your mother would be very proud and happy about this, if it is of any comfort. Life does not normalize quickly after loss so be ok with these feelings. This Alz journey also changed me forever. I have yet to see how many ways it changed me and what I will do with that. Anyway, hang in there. Thanks for checking in and I hope you find some time for peace and finding ways to feel close to your good memories of her this holiday season.

LadyTexan

Greetings my dear friend abc123.

I have missed you so very much. I wish I could help you on your journey. I am barely holding it together myself.

You are not belly aching. You are speaking the truth to others who understand the trials. What caregivers do is VERY VERY hard. What you are going through and what you have been through is more than one person can be expected to endure.

The past 2 months of my life have been very busy assisting friends and family. I have been actively involved in the care of my mom who has Alzheimers. I still feel very scarred and grief stricken from losing my husband to this horrid disease in April. 

It became too much for me. I was in a deep depression. I was angry and I was anxious. I was wrecked physically and emotionally. At the suggestion of my trusted professional counselor, I packed up Hap (my dog) and got out of town for 5 days. I am not exaggerating when I say the 5 day break likely saved my life. 

My parents, my two living siblings and my mom's caregiver all live in the same town. I concluded that my dad, with the help of the caregiver could manage without me. Things didn't go as smoothly as I had hoped while I was away. But it was good enough. 

Please do what ever you can, Anything you can, to get a break. You matter dear one. You are special and important to so many of us. PLEASE take care of you.

I am holding you in prayer and in my heart. 

toolbeltexpert

Wow everyone else has said it and more eloquently than I could. It is good to hear from you abc123  and my faith has taken a hit. I love the way BB put it. I call every day. I remember all the times God has been so faithful and I have not, but it's His faithfulness that I stand on and that helps me thru another day.

Lady T it is so good to hear from you as well. 

Stewart

GothicGremlin

Hi abc123 - it's good to see you, I'm sorry things have been so rough.

I don't have a lot to add, like toolbeltexpert said, everyone has said everything already, and said it well.

About therapy - The therapist I found worked with people who have Alzheimer's and their caregivers in her previous role as a social worker.  I began my search with the Psychology Today website.  Once I had a few names, I was then able to research them online. She's been worth her weight in gold. I see her once a month, sometimes twice a month, depending how difficult things are. I really don't know what I'd do without her.

I'll add my voice to the others - you were an amazing caregiver to your mom.

Banking. The bane of my existence.

abc123

Hearing from you all is good medicine. I value your opinions and feelings. We have all been through the wringer.  

Lady Texan, I have been very worried about you. I'm sorry that you are having such a rough time. I'm glad that you and Hap were able to get away for 5 days! I had a Thanksgiving trip planned but due to security issues at the airport I missed my flight. It was a nightmare. It seems like planning a trip to the grocery store is a big deal. I do remember that your mom has Alz. Is she difficult to care for? What stage is she? My mom was in stage 5 for a long time. I think of you and Jessie often. And Hap too! 

Today is my 63rd birthday. Dad called but didn't mention it until the end of the conversation. He has a list of things I need to do for him. Geese. If I could afford it, I'd run away. I would. 

A friend is coming to pick me up and we are going "junking". We'll hit every thrift store/antique store around. That will be fun.

Sending peace to you all. 

M1

Happy Birthday Susan!!  Hope the "junking" trip was fun.

GothicGremlin

Happy Birthday! I hope you've been having a great day.