Jolly Christmas?

Nowhere

Sitting in an airport bar awaiting my flight to spend Christmas with “our” daughter and her family. I’ve always loved being with our kids and young grandchildren during the holidays, but leaving him behind feels so sad and wrong. Not to go feels like our kids have lost us both. I wonder if next year I stayed back with him if they’d pack up and come here. How Hallmark would that be? His memory care home is 1.5 hours away from my condo. He knows he’s locked up, and can’t understand why.  I think after this glass of wine a bitter drink may be in order. I’m not looking for any advice, just wish to share my grief with those who understand.

Pat6177

Nowhere, I hear you. You’re between a rock and a hard place. I do hope when you get to your daughter’s, that you will be glad you made the trip. (((hugs)))

M1

TTotally get it. My partner is in the same range. There was a Christmas dinner at her MC today, like at Thanksgiving i went with our good friends and we actually had a nice time at lunch. There was an overflow crowd, so rather than being in the main dining area they actually gave us a private table for four on the sunporch, which was absolutely lovely (and better for our friends too, as they both are somewhat hard of hearing.  My partner even consented to a photograph with Santa and mrs. Claus as long as all of her favorite staff were in it too. It's a great shot. I brought a small gift of cashews, caramels, and an amaryllis. 

But the minute our friends left, she was all over me, miserable and sad and furious. So of course i made a quick exit. My son arrives tonight and I will spend the rest of the week with the kids on and off, weather permitting. Fun but not without guilt and loneliness for her. Hoping that she'll forget quickly, ironically.

toolbeltexpert

M1 I really can emphasize with "Fun but not without guilt and loneliness for her. Hoping that she'll forget quickly, ironically." Boy do I get that. My dw doesn't get angry but cries and wants to go with me. And a quick exit is all I can do as well. 

Nowhere I hope you still have a hallmark Christmas.

ghphotog

We really can empathize. My DW is not in memory care yet but I'm tired and look forward to a time when I can have some solitude and be free again. I love my wife but it's been a long struggle and I just need to regroup. I sometimes envy those whose LOs are already in MC. I'm taking care of both my wife and mother and it's very difficult for me. I'm not cut out for this never ending role.

I know I also would have so many mixed emotions when and if I ever place her.

Ed1937

Just another one of those decisions you hate to make. I hope you can enjoy your time with them, but even better, I hope you can have your Hallmark miracle next year. Wouldn't that be nice!

Marie58

Nowhere, unfortunately we all understand. Sorry it's so hard.  Hope your time with your family is great!

PastorB

I think Marie58 said it best: enjoy the time with your family. You need it. The absolute worst thing any of us can do is bathe in guilt. You did not cause the disease. I will see my DW for an hour on Christmas morning. She probably won't remember it is Christmas, but I will want to see her. Our visit will last no more than an hour because it is about all she can handle. Then I will leave to see my daughter and son-in-law out of state.

When guilt starts to set in I remind myself of the myriad reasons I placed her, with her safety paramount. Then I remind myself that I get good reports from staff and residents about how happy she is when I am not there. My job is to pray continually, take care of the parts of life she cannot participate in, to be with her as often as I can for as long as it makes sense, and to make sure she gets the best care possible for as long as she remains in this life. I love her too much to do anything else.

Take good care, Nowhere. We all understand.

clndaniels

I can definitely relate. DHWA has been in MC for 2 1/2 months. There was Christmas dinner yesterday for residents and family.  We sat at a table with another couple, but he gets agitated and starts wanting to know what is going on, what he is doing wrong, etc.  He became so agitated we finally went back to his room and ate alone there. Makes me wonder if it is worth the effort when he doesn’t seem to enjoy it. In the time before Alz he was a really social person, but now does not like being in any place with more than a few people.  Really feeling the emptiness this year. I did enjoy a good weekend with the children and grandchildren this past weekend!  I know they miss their dad also.