Recently moved mom to AL closer to me & new husband

Amanda Grant

Mom is 74 with mild/moderate dimentia having been single/living alone for close to 25 years. I am 38 year's old, recently married and an only child who luckily has a village of family friends who have jumped in to help because immediate relatives seem to be scared of it all and standoffish. they're "praying for me" and are "so sorry for everything" "You gotta just let it go, she'll be fine"

I'm grateful for my extended village but EXHAUSTED. Mom and I have a relatively close relationship and I would do anything for her, including now jeopardizing my new marriage for her care, comfort and piece of mind. We recently made the tough decision to move her closer to us into an AL/MC facility that is moderatly priced and the staff is fantastic! She's in a 1 bedroom AL apt and was even able to bring her cat with her. For the past year, I've been scrambling day in and day out from a a bit of a distance to care for her and/or find coverage so she wasn't lonely or unsafe but also to avoid this interferring with my job and relationship. (New husband has been extremely supportive of everything but it takes its toll)

Mom not only has dimentia but a history of anixety/depression while also being a VERY strong willed woman. She has agreed to and been involved in all the decisions which was nice but as you can imagine, now that she's moved in....is "hating it here with all the old people" Granted we're only 5 days in but I have major caretaker guilt (which I never expected). Guilt more so because I don't like seeing her sad and unmotivated to make new friends or get involved in activities that are there to help her. She was so excited to move down into a one floor apartment and now is miserable.

I know she's safe, eating 3 meals a day and being watched over so I can technically let go, but man is that easier said than done. How do you seperate yourself to allow your freedom to regroup your life that was put on hold for the past couple of years and refocus on your new husband (Legit a month married) while not feeling guilty that mom is sad and unhappy....I'm at the breaking point where I'm starting to snap at her because her brain is still working enough that she knows she needs to get involved (or so she says) but then doesn't and I'm resentful that I've done so much for her.

Other than the 3 meals a day, she sits in her apartment in quiet without the tv on most days. #CaregiverGuiltIsReal. I feel bad completly uprooting her from everything she's known her whole life to move to a new part of the state to be near me and my husbands family for support which she did agree to but is now regretting. It jsut breaks my heart but I'm exhausted, physically mentally and emotionally and she'd be miserable, unsafe and lonely back home too. 

No winning...I would love some support, suggestions and guidance on how to let go and regroup myself emotionally and mentally while not leaving mom feeling stranded. Anyone go through this?

loveskitties

Caregivers guilt is something everyone seems to have at some stage or another with this disease.  Why?  Because we think we could have done better, more, etc.  The truth of the matter is, we are not in control, nor is our LO.  It is the disease.

You have made the right choice in getting your Mom closer to you, even if she is currently complaining.  Perhaps her doctor could prescribe medication to make her less anxious and depressed.  With the right dosage, she might even feel up to trying to enjoy herself in her new surroundings.

It takes time for the patient to adjust to new surroundings...some much longer than others.  

Remember, it was for her safety that the move was done...even if it is also more convenient for you.

Lastly, do not put your marriage at risk over this.  Long after you mom forgets most everything, you still will have a life to live.  There is no shame in putting yourself first, because you can't be a good caregiver or daughter if it brings on resentment for what you might loose.

terei

I had a very similar situation with my mother.   You are right, she is not going to be happy anywhere she is.

My mom complained bitterly about everything in the AL + then the MC.  I would just say, ‘Yeah, mom, I know, but there aren’t any alternatives’.  or ‘Ok, mom, you come up with a written plan about what you want to do that you’d like better + I will implement it’ (that never happened, believe me)

If there are daily activities at the AL, you should arrange for her to be escorted to EVERY ONE.  “Time for bingo Edith!” If she does not want to stay, fine, but she has to go initially.  I found that from reports from the staff, mom was doing just fine + participating in things (when she was escorted) but she would unload all her complaints to me.

You just have to take all the complaints with a grain of salt + try to be upbeat with her. I did hire a companion for her that visited her a couple times a week that took her for walks, garage sales, Dairy Queen, whatever, so everything wasn’t on my head.  Mom became very attached to her. I also encouraged everyone I talked to to try to send her greeting cards which she loved.   Try to detach a little + try to accept that her situation is not your fault.  It is what it is. I spent many a sleepless night + you will too, but try not to let your life revolve around all mom’s issues….your life is as important as hers. You cannot ‘fix’ her problems…it’s a matter of coping with the facts of the situation.

Quilting brings calm

Please take a few days off of visiting her - because a). She needs to get settled in, make acquaintances, etc and b) you need to rest and give your new spouse some attention.  This is a marathon of a decade or more, not a sprint.  You’ve been sprinting for a year and you are exhausted.  Do not ruin your chance at happiness with your spouse because your mom isn’t happy about her new place.  She wouldn’t be happy wherever she was, but at least she is safe and you can manage her care   

She isn’t going to settle in there as long as she can guilt you into visiting every  day and making  your life revolve around hers.  It will actually take her a few months to settle in.  

My parent’s PCP gave me the following two pieces of advice after I vented to him about things.  1) your parents will not be happy wherever  they are, but they are safe in assisted living and 2)since they are safe,  It’s time to back off for your own health.  With those two statements, and an intervening health crisis of my own,  I started to allow myself to take a few days here and there for get aways  with my spouse- and I limited my visits to once weekly with running errands or attending  their doctor’s appointments counting  as visits.  I call every day or so and continue to handle their finances, medical appointments, errands as needed etc.  I’m over 3 years into this marathon, and there are years to go.  My mental and emotional health took a beating until I backed  off.  My spouse of over 30 years also needed me to back off. 

Debdg

It sounds like you are doing a great job! As I read your post I started thinking you and your hubby deserve a vacation. Your mom is safe and cared for, so you should get a break now.